How do you move on after Missed Miscarriage? 😔🙏💞

[Mrs14]

Morning All, I’m just looking for some advice on how others have helped themselves move on after a MMC... it’s been 2 weeks since the scan and told ❤️ had stopped at 11 weeks. I thought these past couple of days I had started to turn a corner. But then I face-timed rather than called my sisters for the first time since everything and we spoke about things and then conversations moved and they were talking about my nieces and nephews and started to chat away about them together and I just couldn’t handle it. I came off the phone and just sobbed feeling like I’m never going to be able to join in in those “kid” conversations and felt like I had no purpose since losing them... This is not like me at all and usually I’m so positive. I just feel this happening has completely knocked me & my confidence that we will get there 😔 If anyone can share any positive stories or thoughts I would be most grateful! 💞💞💞

[Hidden]

Hi Mrs14, firstly so sorry for your loss, the pain of losing a child whatever the trimester is so difficult and its even harder when everyone around you is moving on with their lives, for me that was the toughest part. I had a missed miscarriage June of last year and it took seeing a therapist for me to go back to my usual self but if I am honest, I dont think I can ever truly be the person I was before. I still have my moments nearly one year on and I still find it hard to be around friends with kids. Are you able to try therapy even if its via telephone for the time being?

[Mrs14 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Mumbi, thank you for replying! I’m glad I’m not alone in having these feelings... every time I hear from someone my heart just breaks thinking they have gone through the same!

As you say, I think it’s the realisation that I’m not ever going to be able to run away or forget these feelings... It’s just time I suppose. I spoke with a counsellor through my private practice on Tuesday and she was helpful in offloading to and gave some helpful advice but then two days on and there I was last night having a complete meltdown. I feel like as awful as it sounds, maybe I do have to limit chats with those with children. Just while I take some time to get passed the worst of these raw feelings 😔 ... Have you tried again since or have you just taken time out? Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Mrs14]

You definitely are not alone, even virtual friends can be there for you. Maybe try having therapy as often as you can, where possible and those meltdowns you're having will come and go. I'm not really good at taking time out, I started treatment in October, ovulated before collection (imagine) then again in December which was a freeze all cycle. I had frozen transfer in Feb of this year but it wasnt meant to be. My Ob has now given me Letrozole (Femara) for the next few cycles until the clinics reopen. Where are you based and will you do another cycle?

[Hidden]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have had multiple miscarriages and I would say what you are going through is a 'normal' grieving process for such a loss - 3 of mine have been MMC and I think the 'everything is fine' to the crashing down at the scan is so brutal and your body needs time to process it. I have had surgery 3 of the 4 times and I always thought when the physical was over then mentally I would feel better - and then that would last a day and then I would be in pieces, normally about something often unrelated.

I think your brain needs time to process and your body needs time to recover. I used to think I would always have 4 due dates hanging over me but actually I only really remember the two most recent these days - but this has been going on for years.

Have you told anyone about what happened apart from your sister? One of my issues was no one knew I was pregnant and a counsellor told me I was struggling because it wasn't being acknowledged enough. I did try counselling but I just kept being told I had a lot of anger I needed to get rid of.. which made me even angrier 😂

I know what you mean about nieces and nephews too.. my sister has an 18 month old and gave birth whilst I was recovering from one MC. I do love my nephew dearly... but sometimes I can't cope with even seeing a photo of him.

All I can do is send you a huge hug, and promise you it does get easier over time, and whilst you can still expect these awful days they become less and less I promise. After my most recent MC I went through a phase of crying and grieving, then a phase of going absolutely mental and drinking too much etc., and then we went on holiday (not helpful now with Covid I appreciate) and it made me remember who I was before all of this TTC had taken hold. We rediscovered our relationship and why we got together in the first place. We had some time off TTC and spoke about it occasionally but it stopped being THE thing in our lives. But then gradually I found I wanted to do more and planning to try again then really helped me as I felt I was doing something proactive towards my goal.. its just a matter of going through the cycles.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need help/support

Masses of love xx

[Hidden]

Hi Mrs14 so sorry for your loss it is horrible suffering a MMC. The way I have coped is just honestly going by my doctor's advice when they say it's rare to have recurrent MC's you do go on to have a healthy pregnancy in the end... Im holding on to that and just keeping healthy getting my body as healthy as possible for fet. all so will have bloods done before fet..I just focus on next steps keeps me going. Do you have frozen embryo's left? Xx

[lmno]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC last August and found it utterly devastating. I thought I had turned a corner after a few weeks but about a month later I ended up being signed off work for 5 weeks as I couldn't stop crying and wasn't able to concentrate or function. I think my only advice would be to try and be kind to yourself and don't rush through the process of feeling and grieving and give your body and mind time to rest and heal. I kept worrying I was overreacting and that people would think I was making too big a deal of it, but looking back I am proud that I gave myself permission to fall apart a bit and take time to heal. It's such a devastating thing to happen but I promise it won't always feel as awful as it does now. Sending love xxx

[Picalilli99]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. We have had multiple losses, 2 of which were MMC. I really don’t think you can underestimate the impact of finding out that crushing news (and then all the physical stuff that follows). I don’t think 2 weeks is very long at all really and so it must all still be very raw. One of the things I found most difficult was that I felt I’d be moving in the right direction, gradually starting to feel a little better then suddenly out of nowhere something (it often didn’t take much) would trigger me and I would be floored with emotion again. I felt so bad and frustrated because I felt like I’d go backwards again. My main learning was that this was grief and that it just takes time. Unfortunately there’s no set timeline and everyone is different. I saw a therapist (which definitely helped) and also ended up taking time off work because I ended up burning out and just couldn’t function in my job at one point. One thing I found helpful that my therapist said was that if anything the more pressure we put on ourselves to be “ok” again, actually the longer it can then take because it prevents us from truly grieving and processing the loss. So I’d just say (like others have said already) try to be kind to yourself, give yourself the time and space to heal and know that you will get there. Whilst you may never fully get over it you will feel a lot better I promise. Big hugs xxx

[Mary80]

So sorry 🙏 for your loss. Yes I had a miscariage when I was 34 and ttc. I was so angry but what I did I put all my heart, body and soul in my job. I worked as a healthcare assistant in a care home, I normally speak to the patients there and they encourage me I will be a mum 😂. I cut off so many people, just didn't need the drama. It helped me honestly. God will see you through and you will be a mum soon. Don't give up. Hugs