A big fat negative 💔

[Lavander29]

My periods have always been bang on time- every 26- 28 days and for 4 days for as long as I can remember.

Then in February I got diagnosed with PCOS and got put on the supplement infolic by the consultant to 'improve the symptoms'.

Since then I have had last months period that was 6 days long and the heaviest and most paintful I've ever had, and now this month- no period at all.

I am 4 days late today, and for the last 3 days I have been fully convinced I was pregnant.

So convinced that I woke up this morning at 4.30 🤦🏼‍♀️ and took a test, which was a big fat negative. Crawled back into bed and didn't say anything to the OH. He went off to work at 7am and I thought I'd do a second one just in case- another big fat negative.

I had been so sure, that yesterday I ordered a little onesie saying 'Hello daddy' on, and I was going to surpirse him when ge got home today 😔💔 so bloody stupid I know!

I spent all day yesterday wrapping presents for my brothers new baby- to send to Paris, and we have a tiny newborn baby next door that cries all day, and I feel like my heart is going to shrivel up and die.

My hair has been falling out for the last year, I'm over weight by a stone for IVF and can't shift it so we haven't even been put on the waiting list yet!, and all I want in the world is to be a mum. I feel like my body is playing bloody tricks on me.

Every month for the last 2 years I have been telling myself DO NOT get your hopes up- it's so unlikely it's going to happen naturally, and then just before I'm due on I always have a tiny little ray of hope that this month may be the month.

And it never is.

I feel so fed up with it all 😔 I have sat and cried hysterically for about 2 hours, and am just starting to calm down.

So sorry for the really long pitty party post, I am just desperate to talk to people that understand.

Stay safe everyone xx

[Luna_79]

Oh Lavender, I’m sending you a huge hug. Not silly at all to get your hopes up. It’s so hard when we wish it with all our hearts and it all we want but out of our grasp and yes I’ve never been more aware of babies literally seemingly everywhere and bumps!! Think half my street has one - so next comes the baby showers! I know nothing any one can say can help much right now but hope you can find comfort in knowing you’re not alone, sending you a huge hug , have a cry, have a shout at the ceiling, have some wine / chocolate - once you’ve given yourself time you will pick yourself back up again 💕💕💕 xx

[Nat246 in reply to Luna_79]

Like Luna said, you are not alone and we all feel your pain.

It sounds like you have only just been diagnosed with PCOS which means there are still other treatments you are yet to try, which means there is hope.

Don’t give up, I know how hard it is but you can do this!

Whilst appts are all on hold, focus on staying an healthy as you can. Have you read it starts with the egg? After I read it I felt so much more hopeful as there’s lots of advice in the book about realistic changes you can make to aid your fertility journey xx

[Lavander29 in reply to Nat246]

Hi Nat,

Yes it is a really recent diagnosis, and a massive shock as I've always had really regular periods and wasn't expecting anything to be wrong. So it was a bit of a hit on top of my OHs fertility issues.

The supplement i am taking- infolic, isn't as strong as proper medication I don't think, and I think thats because when I had a blood test it apparently did show that I had ovulated. However I have tried a few different ovulation sticks and never really had any luck properly detecting if I do or don't.

I have just subscribed to the natural cycles app- and am going to try tracking my temperature to see if I can get a clearer answer that way.

Yes! I bought that a few months ago actually, and we started taking CQ10 as recommended and we avoid all plastic in the kitchen (swapped to wooden spoons & wooden chopping boards etc) and we avoid using any chemicals. So all natural cleaning products.

Luckily there's not much need for wearing make up at the moment 😂 because I didn't get as far as swapping that all over, but I do use natural eco friendly deoderant. So we are doing lots to be kind to our bodies.

I also changed my diet completely to no white bread, potatoes, rice or flour, no alcohol & no caffine. Lots of fresh fruit and veg.

However I have treated myself to a small glass of gin and tonic a few times since we have been in lockdown!

I've needed it 😂

Thank you again for your kind words.

Enjoy the weekend!

[Lavander29 in reply to Luna_79]

Thank you so much for your reply Luna, I read it yesterday and it really did cheer me up.

It's so silly because I tell myself every month please don't get yout hopes up, you know it's not happened- but I just can't seem to stop myself 😕

And I honestly thought there was a tiny little life inside me yesterday 💔

I was even researching early pregnancy symptoms because I had a really bad headache. I have never been lucky enough to look down at a pregnancy test and see two lines, and it feels so out of reach.

My OH is amazing but he is so positive all the time and just says -we will get there or it will happen, but I just don't think men really get it as it's not their body going through it. So at times I just want to scream what if it doesn't happen?!

I had a really long chatt with my mum on the phone in the end and sobbed my heart out. Must be so hard for her, with one child bringing a brand new baby into the world any day now, and me heart broken because it hasn't happened for us.

But it did make me feel better, and I then spent some time in the garden enjoying the lovely weather.

Thank you again for your lovely message- if you ever need the favour returned I am always here ❤ xxx

[ttcemmie]

Oh Lavender. So sorry to hear this. 💕💕💕 This happens to me every month. My period is due this Sunday and I am probably going to be in a similar place. 4 days late - I would have been convinced too. Sending lots of love. This is really hard and obviously even harder with other people's babies to deal with. Do whatever you need to help you feel better and we're here for you. xxx

[Lavander29 in reply to ttcemmie]

Thank you so much for your lovely reply!

I really needed these kind words yesterday- I was a real mess 😪

Please know that I am here for you on Sunday (or wherever) if you are also in need of some kind words too!

It's so hard isn't it, because the months go by and you think- I can't do this anymore, and just want to give up. But the overpowering desire to be a mum just takes over and you start all over again, because giving up just doesnt seem like an option.

My emotions are all over the place!

I'm also filled with guilt because I should be soooo over the moon with excitement that my first niece or nephew is on the way, but I am actually so horrendously jelaous and so stupidly mad at my brother for taking away what I wanted so badly.

They did the pregnancy announcement as a surprise sonogram hidden in a box of chocolates for us all- at my mums house. My OH couldn't be there so I was all on my own, and I was so in shock I just stood there next to everyone and didn't say a word (I am the loudest of the family 😂) and none of them knew about our struggles at the time.

And I remember being so heart broken that we now weren't going to be the ones to give my parents their first grandchild. And had no idea when our turn would even come. It's a really crap way to feel when all you should feel is excitement.

Wishing you so much luck on your journey to becoming a mummy! Lots of love xx

[ttcemmie in reply to Lavander29]

The "I can't do this anymore" is strong and comes all the time, but is not as strong as the drive to become a mum. I agree. Don't worry about being jealous and not being perfectly excited for your brother. That's normal. You're happy below the surface; it's bad timing and it's difficult to juggle all emotions at once. I'm always thinking of the announcement and the special times we can share with family e.g. christening. It's hard month after month to see it not happening. Wishing you so much luck too. xxx

[Lavander29 in reply to ttcemmie]

I honestly feel like that every month- I am so desperate to have a break from it all, but then I think what if next month is the month? And we just soldier on.

Everything just feels a crap at the moment. My emotions are all over the place, sex has become a chore & I find myself having to hide how I feel all the time otherwise I just sound Like a broken record 🙈

I guess being at home all the time doesn't help. It would be lovely to go out and see friends, or even go and get a big cuddle from my mum lol.

Can't wait for things to go back to normal.

Wishing you so much luck and sending you so much love. Thank you for your kind words xxx

[MissSaoPaulo]

oh it's awful, it feels like your body is playing tricks on you. I can only echo what has been said above - there is hope, so let yourself have a shitty day, wallow in it, chocolate wine sofa, pjs crappy tv whatever. Then take a nice bath, get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is a new day when you can start focusing on taking good care of yourself.

(PS, I have a baby from IVF and my cousin's baby - born this week - was conceived naturally while she was on the waiting list for IVF, she has PCOS. Whichever way it happens, there's definitely hope that you'll get your dream come true of being a mum one day. Hope the wait isn't too long for you) xxx

[Lavander29 in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thank you so much!!

I think I just get caught up in the thought that I have never been pregnant, and never felt the joy of having a positive test result, that in that moment it truly feels like it will never ever happen!

But fingers crossed one day it will be my turn ♡

I don't think the virus situation is helping at all, as there are no fertility appointments and no-one to ask your questions to- which is why I am SO grateful for this group & for all the amazing people on here offering support.

My OH has his own fertility issues too so we have two set backs, which is also what makes me question will it ever happen. I do have hope that we may conceive with IVF but I don't know that it will ever happen naturally.

Saying that miracles happen everyday!

Thank you so much again for your Lovely words of encouragement. Sending lots of love xx

[Cinderella5]

Awww I'm really sorry Lavender! Its crap when our bodys play these nasty tricks on us. Dont beat yourself up, we all need a bit of hope. I really hope you're feeling a little bit better today. Hugs.xx

[Lavander29 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you 😘

Just hurts so much to hope. The heartache is so bad the second you realise you were wrong. And all those dreams seem so far away again.

And the fertility clinic being NHS has meant that they didn't even tell us they were closing. We were waiting for the call back from the consultant, but that never came and when I called they had a recording to say they are now closed.

It feels like we are so insignificant & things just feel so uncertian for us. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Lavander29]

Hi Lavender i feel you. I had that as well no follow up call no email they are closing nothing. I check their website and it says their email isnt working due to technical issues and you know it makes me very angry because i get it that we are not a priority but this is also the other end of the spectrum.

This place is great to keep in touch with other ladies in the same situation and you will find alot of us are in the same boat. I realy had a bad weekend and you know what i might take the monday as it comes but soon i will be back to being hopeful because I literally dont think i have a nother option. Hope we feel better soon xx hang in there x

[Lavander29 in reply to Hidden]

I don't think we have ever felt like a priority at our NHS clinic 🙈 I know now is NOT the time to say anything negative about the NHS- I do think they are amazing!

But we have always felt like an after thought.

An email or a general letter would have made us at least feel thought about. But perhaps they didn't have time? Who knows 🤷‍♀️

So sorry to hear you've been feeling rubbish too. It definitely helps knowing people feel the same- and that I'm not alone.

So I am so grateful for your reply.

Sending you a big hug and lots of love. Look after yourself xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Lavander29]

I know hun, those negative tests are awful. I try to stay away from any testing unless I have to test at the end of the IVF cycle, its crap! I think a lot of you poor NHS ladies didnt get the heads up along with some private ones, its really poor. However it does sound like clinics are turning a corner now and planning to re-open. Hang on in there.xxx

[Lavander29 in reply to Cinderella5]

To be honest I'm the same, I very rarely test. It was just because I was 4 days late which is so unusual.

The negative result is really tough isn't it.

It's a shame that they couldn't just send a general letter out to the people on their books. Then we wouldn't feel so forgotten about.

Our consultant only works one morning a week at the NHS clinic on a normal week, so it's always a nightmare getting any help or advice.

And the wait between appointments is 4-5 months!

I feel incredibly grateful to have any help at all- but it does get frustrating when all we want to do is start treatment. It feels so far away still.

I hope you're keeping safe and looking after yourself in these strange times ♡

Lots of love xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Lavander29]

All fine with me, itching to get going again like everyone else I guess....so yes feeling a lot of the same things as you especially frustration and my age creeping up all the time! Love right back at ya!xx

[Rain415]

I feel as though I could have wrote this! Every month I tell myself I’m not going to get my hopes up I know what will happen then if I’m a day late or can’t feel AF coming I think of ways I could surprise my husband with the news. Then period shows up. I really understand what your saying about how much it would help to get a letter saying “we will be in touch when we can your still on the system” or something, anything. Feel as though everything is up in the air. It’s hard having a cancellation later and nothing else. Two in our case one for ivf meeting and one for my partners surgery. Think I’m going mad half the time! Hopefully we all will have some sort confirmation of a way forward soon!