Adoption or ivf

[Lavendartea]

Did anyone else contemplate adoption as opposed to ivf?

[ttcemmie]

Hi Lavendartea. For us, this would be a route to go down if IVF doesn't work or for a second child. For me it feels like an even bigger decision and bigger process than IVF. I also would like to do fostering, but my husband thinks that is for way down the line. It's hard because I just want children in my house and in my life! Is adoption something your husband is more on board with? xxx

[Emmaxxx]

I would try IVF. You could get lucky on your first go xx

[K84k]

Hi Lavendartea,

My husband and I have always planned to adopt but we have also said we want one of our own as well. Unfortunately, we have just gone through a failed cycle. Would you consider both? Of course not at the same time as you need to wait 12 months after fertility treatment to start the adoption process (I've read a few places).

The positive with adoption (alongside providing a loving home for a child of course) is there is no pressure on age like their is with IVF or having our own children. That's something I am thinking of starting when I'm 40 (I'm 35 now with very low AMH).

All the best with whatever you decide xx

[Izzy84]

Hi Lavendartea,

Is there anything in particular you'd like to know about adoption? After 2 years of TTC, I started the adoption process with my husband. I had always wanted to adopt and he had wanted to adopt later, after trying for our own baby. For us, IVF never came into question.

We were very lucky and went through the adoption process in 8 months,and were matched to two incredible brothers, aged 3 and 4. They came to live with us exactly one year after we first registered our interest with our adoption agency. That was 2 years ago, and it's been a steep learning curve. It takes some adjustilment, going from being a childfree couple to having two traumatised children sharing your life overnight! We love our boys dearly and wouldn't change a thing, but adoption is a hard, hard road. You have to be willing to be open with social workers, sharing all the details of your life with them. You have to be prepared either to adopt an older child or to face a long wait for a baby - it's a very sad fact that our older son, at 4, was considered "harder to place" simply because an large number of potential adopters want a baby. I think they imagine that a younger child will have experienced less trauma and will be easier to parent, but the reality of the UK adoption process is that all children in care come from a background of abuse or neglect, and their behaviours will reflect that. The adoption process is rightly focused on the needs of the child, not the prospective adopters.

Personally, I am so happy I chose adoption. It's an extreme version of parenting. It's exhausting dealing with meltdowns on a scale most parents can't imagine, and having to reparent traumatised children who need to learn to trust again. But it is also hugely rewarding and we're now seeing the fruits of our labour as our boys grow and blossom and gain in trust and confidence.

Sorry for the long reply, but I hope it might be of use somehow. I would recommend going to an adoption info event. There's no pressure to apply to adopt after attending one, but you'll certainly have a chance to ask questions and find out more x

[Kitty230515 in reply to Izzy84]

Sorry to jump on this. But what an amazing person you are. You’re boys are lucky to have you xxx

[Izzy84 in reply to Kitty230515]

That is a very kind thing to say, but honestly, hubby and I are the lucky ones! The boys have taught us so much and their resilience is amazing xx

[Hidden]

They are such different routes ... If you are even contemplating adoption at this stage then that amazing and definitely consider as not everyone feels that is an option for them. For us , I think I always knew I wanted to adopt before I even knew we would struggle to conceive. When we realised things weren't happening I very early on did a huge amount of reading of blogs of adoptive mum's etc. We wrestled for a long time with which path to take, understanding of course that they are enormously different paths as Izzy84 has gone into great detail about. We were considering going down an adoption route first and then IVF in later years (I'm early 30s) but found out I had 0.8 amh and I know there is early menopause in my family so it was do this now , don't wait if you want to do it advice. My OH and I made the decision adoption would be part of future regardless of how IVF turned out as we saw them as very different things. I was incredibly fortunate and IVF worked first time, so I'm expecting very soon. But I'm certain that there is a little kid out there one day we may be able to give a home , all being well with our health and relationship. I would also say I was incredibly fearful of IVF which was something that put me off intially, but once it was underway I was okay, this is quite common I think... Good luck !!! And all the best X