Can it still happen for me?

[Rainbowhope]

I've had 5 transfers altogether. 3 using my own and two using donor. The best result I had was chemical pregnancy. I'm trying to understand if this is normal? Has anyone ever had a I've birth after so many repeated failures even with DE? Every night I'm panicking and wondering if I should just give up and move away from everyone I know. Surely this many failures is not normal. Ive had all the blood tests and everything checked. I am at a loss. Maybe I should just accept it. I'm 37 and feel like my Iife is over. Everything has felt awful since I started this journey in 2017. Giant find any joy or peace of mind. I'm so sorry that I should so awfully gloomy but I just dunno if I am capable of implantation and a live birth. I think its the negativity which infects my body like a curse but I just dunno how to be positive in the face of do much failure.

[Sayusayme]

Hey dear

Am so sorry for the bad journey in ivf

Even I am in same position...I have used donor eggs waiting to do transfer but got cancelled two times as my lining was 7.9 mm trilaminal pattern ,my clinic wanted it to be 9mm.

Tomorrow is my final scan to do my lining check but I have a bad feeling that it will not grow more than 7.9mm and this time also it will be cancelled.

It's funny though how life has taken a wrong/ right turn ...💆

I have no choice then to

move on ..........because I don't have guts to commit suicide so in the end if nothing works I will try surrogacy if my DH agrees or else he can marry someone else to have a kid

My life is turning worst day by worst

Only I can do now is to stay strong and be practical 💪.....

Our pregnancy or failure can change a women's life so do our husbands life,

And he is free to leave me if this time if things don't work....I guess being a women it's lot to take in ........

I don't know what advice to give you dear but I pray for all women who is going through this ivf journey to be successful and may universe shower all happiness to all the women❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Jessy1280 in reply to Sayusayme]

I'm glad you raised suicide. So taboo but exactly how I feel if my second transfer fails. Like what's the point in everything. Not saying I would do it but I don't see how my relationship with the OH Can continue x 😔

[Rainbowhope in reply to Jessy1280]

Suicide is a word I'm scared to use but I think about it all the time. I tell myself if I exhaust every avenue and it doesn't work I'll comitt suicide and the thought actually comforts me. It's too painful to watch all my friends reach milestones with their children and I just watch. It's not only never being a motherits never being a grandmother too. I have told my husband to leave me but he won't. I know that's amazing but it leaves me with guilt knowing I'm the reason we can't have a family. Since I find out I wake up every night between 2 and 4 I'm wide awake and the most awful things run through my mind.

[Greyeverything in reply to Rainbowhope]

So glad all three of you have said this. Coming of the back of 2 failed transfers and now one chemical, my first thought when the tests started fading and I realised my dream was being taken away from me yet again was that I can’t go on. Not just with the IVF but with life. I didn’t want to keep hurting this badly, just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Feels like it would be easier than this pain. Everywhere I turn there are people with children, you just can’t get away from it.

I’m scared to use the word suicidal because people react so badly to it but it’s nice to know it’s not just me that’s thinks it. That’s sounds awful because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone of course but to know it’s not just me who feels so down about all this make me feel less on my own I guess. I don’t have anyone who understands x

[Hidden in reply to Jessy1280]

I second this - I can’t even use the word, but it’s how I have felt many times.

What’s the point? Will I die alone without a family? How can I cope watching all my friends have children? Why should I be here if I can’t do the most natural thing on Earth?

So many questions, all born from intense pain.

When I feel like that, I read this story of this incredible woman battling cancer. She is only 27 and can’t have children because of chemotherapy. It broke my heart - not only can’t she create life, but she is fearing for her own.

It was like a smack in the face: we are so lucky to be here. It humbled me and really helped. She spends her time swimming in lakes, with her family and partner trying to recover and get better.

She is also an advocate for women’s health. When I feel in so much pain, I remember her and it helps me ❤️

[Rainbowhope in reply to Sayusayme]

Hi Sayusayme.

I think it's good that your clinic want to wait until your lining reached 9mm. I only achieved 7 and said I want to cancel because it wasn't thick enough. My clinic wouldn't listen and said I have to go ahead as it makes no difference. Then it failed. My first attempt with donor eggs was with a lining of 8.7 which went up to 9 by transfer. That resulted in CP. Ask your clinic to test the progestrone levels too. That's very important.

[Rainbowhope]

I dragged myself to a party today (even though I just wanted to sit indoors and cry) and someone congratulated me on being pregnant!