Partners changed his mind

[lolly2019]

Have been ttc for 4yrs and have had 2 failed in ivf cycles. We were all set to go abroad in oct for a 2round package that costs same as treatment here to try something different as clinic did same protocol twice and didn’t want to change it. My partner’s friend was killed on his motorbike at the weekend and my partner who is 50 is now saying he’s changed his mind, he doesn’t want to try any more as he feels life is short and he wants to travel and not be restricted by a child. Who knows if it would even work, but I feel absolutely gutted. We had agreed this would be the last time anyway, but he says he doesn’t want to try as what if it does work and then that’s us trapped here. I know he’s in shock about his friend and grieving and feeling mortal but I’m devastated and at 44 this was my last hope really. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what this means for us....

[Bistbee]

Oh my god lolly, this is so hard and I totally get why you’re feeling devastated. It’s bad enough when your friends and family don’t get on board with your choices 😔

I really hope that his reaction is coming from him grieving for his friend, which is just so tragic and i’m so sorry. It’s still so raw and things like this can bring out so many news and unfathomable emotions that have to be processed as you grieve. I would suggest just letting it go as much as you can right now and try not to push it or get too angry with him in these early stages of grief when he’s reacting to this news rather than rationally responding to it. I know it must be so hard for you to hear this but possibly as he works through the grief process his view will change as he starts to heal?

I totally get the whole life is too short attitude but you both need to do what makes you happy and fulfilled long term and there is absolutely no reason why having a child would mean you can’t travel. There are so many examples of parents taking their, usually quite young children, on incredible travels and adventures around the world - yes it means those trips have to be thought through a little bit more but it’s totally do able. Having a child does not mean that another life ambition is curtailed, you can work to make both happen one way or another.

As a compromise could you plan to do another round of treatment (is there an option of pushing it back a month or two if your partner needs that time to come to terms with all of this?) but then plan a trip for afterwards regardless that you could go on whatever the outcome of the cycle? Something flexible like a driving holiday, just booking hotels or camping as you go so you get that sense of freedom without it being too set in stone if you need to adjust plans short notice for whatever reason?

I really hope that your partner can see having a child really shouldn't be limiting or require him to adjust his life plans long term. Otherwise you’re always going to be thinking what if. And if it doesn’t work out for you then at least you know you pursued it for as long as you could but you can then look to the future afresh and focus on traveling together making incredible memories.

Sending lots of hope that you guys can make this work out for both of you xxxxx

[Solly-44]

I’m so sorry you’re both going through this.

When my best friend died several years ago, I had no idea how to process it. I’m not remotely proud of this, I was angry and lashing out at the world and did/said some pretty hurtful things to people I love. I really hope that his response is because it’s all still so raw for him and that time will put you guys back on track as planned.

October is close though - is there any way you can ask the clinic to delay rather than cancel the cycle and see how he feels when everything settles a bit? I know that even delaying when you’re so close must be heart wrenching and I really hope you can work things out. Sending hugs xx

[SharlyWarly]

Lolly my heart goes out to you, this is a really tough situation. I'm sure as others have said, it is the shock of it. He might be just thinking this is all too much to deal with, a death and the emotional upheaval of potentially bringing new life into the world. He's having a bad time - but now so are you and you are important too, and you have a tight time line at 44.

You could try and convince him to go ahead anyway, and say that you will freeze any embryos and he might just come round, then he might not feel so cornered. You could also show him info on people that travel with their children and explain that you don't have to stop doing what you want to do just because you have children. Here is a link, there are many, if it helps: worldtravelfamily.com/how-w...

He probably needs you more than ever, but don't let that put a stop to what you need too, you will end up feeling resentful.

Hope that helps, best of luck x

[Cinderella5]

Oh Lolly, Im so sorry! What a horrendous situation to be in. I can only say what the others have said that perhaps with a little more time your partner my come round after his shock and that a baby doesnt mean you cant realise your travelling dreams too. I know your age must be playing on your mind too. I presume your OH knows how desperate for a baby but does he know that this may affect your future as a couple? Sending huge hugs, Ive no idea what I'd do in your situation.xx

[Kiers27]

This is such a difficult situation for you ... and for him too ... I’m so sorry for the loss.

I feel where you are coming from on the age pressure ... I am 43 and on my 1at cycle after many years TTC.. and it took my OH and I what seemed like years to get to this stage ...

sending you hugz, strength, positivity and hope for surround for you .. so hard to know what to say, but couldn’t pass by your post after reading it and not drop you a virtual hug.

Xxx