Noone can say the right thing

[Kit84]

We've had some bad news about our planned IUI treatment which now can't go ahead. I've been open with friends, family and close work colleagues about our situation from when we initially found out we'd need fertility treatment, thinking that would be the best way to deal with it, but now wish I hadn't. It's been tough, but I think my partner and I are finding a way of managing it the best we can, but we hadn't anticipated all the advice everyone would give us without being asked. So far this week I've had someone who knows just how we feel cos she tried for 4 months before conceiving her 2nd baby, someone trying to convince us to adopt when this isn't an option we've discussed or want to discuss at this time, someone sending us pictures of their baby to cheer us up and someone suggesting that if I just worried less about it all I'd be pregnant already. I know people are just trying to be helpful but all responses just seem to make me angry and I'm now starting to wonder how I'll make it through this process and still be talking to my friends and family at the end! I hadn't anticipated this being so tricky on top of everything else! Any tips for keeping sane and dealing with uninvited advice?

[ScanNoirFan]

This could have been written by me!

In our families, we only told my Mum and one of my sisters.

My Mum immediately began talking in terms of "when you have the twins"... (Before treatment even started).

We didn't tell anyone on my husband's side as they tend to have a 'know it all' attitude.

I told colleagues and had insensitive comments from most of them when we got our negative outcome.

"Honestly, just relax. Eat shit food and relax. That's when it'll happen."

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."

(During my back to work interview) - "My best friend went through IVF and it worked for them."

"My friends adopted."

We spoke about this at a counselling session, as I find it really hard to grit my teeth and not get upset.

The counsellor said that you have to remind yourself that their comments are well-meaning and come from the heart.

They are trying, in their own clumsy way, to comfort you.

I still find this hard to remember and put into practice, but I try.

Good luck with dealing with your friends and family x

[Nat246]

Sorry you’re going through it. I haven’t told many people, only parents and a few close friends. If they say anything that is not helping and making me feel worse I actually explain why that is not okay to say. They don’t mind and actually find this honesty helpful as it is hard to know what to say and they can now support me better. Good luck for future treatments xx

[Music1]

No wonder your angry, given the stupid responses you've had. When I was in hospital with so much pain from a ruptured cyst one of the male nurses suggested I give up on having ivf as it wasn't working and suggested getting a surrogate like his wife was. He then called her and put her on the phone to me. I was in floods of tears, had looked into surrogacy and been told there was a 2-3yr wait anyhow. I can't tell you how many people told us to adopt and when we went to meetings we were told we could be on a list for 2 years etc. Others told us to 'relax and it will come naturally'. Not with tubes removed from surgery it wouldn't. Others told us to get on with ivf if we wanted a child, as we didn't tell them about the 3 times it had failed over the years.

Quite simply there is nobody who can/ will say the right thing unless they've been through one hell of a journey myself. A friend of mine got pregnant first time, with each ivf run, where as we were stopped even before egg retrievals etc. After my first miscarriage, I stopped telling anyone what we were up to and said "yes, I'd like to be pregnant but will see what happens, what will be will be." If they asked about ivf I said "done that, it failed". Quite simply went through 7 years of ivfs, surgeries and maybe 6 rounds of ivf with 2 mc, didn't tell anyone it was even successful this time until 20wk scan was in my hand and even then I only told maybe 4 people. Wishing you all the best. It's so hard and no matter what anyone says.... it will only anger you as they expect it will work, should have worked or you have other options which are not so easy as they suspect. Even those that were getting pregnant around me made me angry. Don't tell them anything. If you want to rant, share experiences or get advice etc, keep to this site as ... "been trying for 4 months is a joke". I think I would have been tempted to rip her head off. Bless you, one day at a time. Learn from failed attempts or anything your body is going through. Took me 7 years and now my brother thinks I'm a selfish b**ch as I'm "too old and should have had one years ago". Best wishes xx

[EmGLA]

I was listening to an older BFN podcast episode (def worth a listen) and they mentioned a movement to highlight this very issue.

I can’t find that document but I found this one in the huff post

google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huff...

I’m sure you can find a sensitive way to tell them that they have upset you with their off the cuff comments.

Xx

[Kit84]

Thank you. I'm sorry other people have been on the receiving end of these comments too, but reassured that I'm not alone. I think my previous plan of just being open and honest with those close to us might need to change. X

[EmGLA in reply to Kit84]

I think you need to do whatever you need to protect yourself. If that involves limiting your circle then do that. Xxx

[Kit84]

Thank you. X