Struggling to stay positive

[Prayingforafamily]

We had our first cycle in January which unfortunately failed and we are preparing for round 2 self funded. I watch a news article on the tele earlier about how ivf clinics are selling unrealistic hope to older patients and said that the true statistic for a 40 year old to be successful with ivf is 4-9%. It really was the last thing I needed to see tbh as my hope keeps getting lower and lower. I have just turned 40 and the waiting is just torture when you know your chances fall with each passing month as an older woman. Sorry got the self pity post, if anyone has any tips on trying to stay positive that would be greatly appreciated x

[gemmy999]

Hi, I also read this article and I am 40 and on my 4th cycle. I felt it was a portly written article. I read it as the clinics that are promising women success or their money back are the ones that are giving women false hope. Not sure if this is correct. I know my clinic have given us a 15% max success rate which I think is realistic. This rate increases with donor eggs. We have to stay positive. These are all just figures. A lot of older women fall pregnant naturally as well as through IVF. Everyone is different. I wish you loads of luck xxx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to gemmy999]

Thanks for your reply. I always thought where there is hope I’ll be positive but when I think about the odds it’s hard not to get disheartened. Xxx

[PurpleLove19]

I saw a bit of this article too. It’s so sad that the % can’t be higher. The clinic we have chosen have a high success rate which is over national or something. My husband sees that as being a positive but like keep reminding him- if a woman gets a positive then it’s a success but if she then miscarries then it’s not a success for us.

The consultant was over the top positive- I am 28 almost 29 and I feel old at work as I teach children of parents I went to school with but in the fertility world I’m quite young.

My BMI has always been over 25 but I’ve been on a huge health kick- brought some scales and a fit bit and I’ve got my BMI down to 23. When the clinic weighed me I asked to strip off as I weigh myself before showering but they laughed and said no. My BMI was 24 at the time and I think that’s why he was so positive. We have our next appointment tomorrow so we will see if he is as positive as first impressions of us. Im a negative person anyway but I feel I need to stay grounded. I worry that or funded rounds fail- I’m not giving up so we will then have to self fund which could take me to my mid 30’s. So please don’t think it’s a pity post because as women- women on these journeys our minds are all over the place. We think far ahead and there’s nothing wrong with that. You have to have a strong partner by your side for this journey but the person that’s got to put their body through this has to think of all outcomes.

Some things that have helped me to be more positive and believe me- read my previous posts I’m not always positive.

I started running- download the Couch to 5K app. It is broken down and it’s achievable. It’s starts mostly walking and I found walking cleared the cobwebs. This has helped with my weight loss.

I try and log all my calories on my Fitbit app and my Fitbit tracks my steps and exercise. It’s really given me a kick up the bum.

Hoola hooping- put some tunes on and hoola hoop for ten mins here and there- burns so many cals too.

Dog walks with your partner- or just walks.

Reality TV and chocolate or low fat Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream.

Talking to loved ones- off loading to those around you and being honest gives people the opportunity to support you.

I’ve also read Fearne Cotton Happy and the Izzy Judd Book on her journey.

I’m sorry I’ve ranted on- I hope I’ve helped. X

[Prayingforafamily in reply to PurpleLove19]

You have more than helped thank you. I am pretty healthy but have been trying to get a little fitter with plenty of walks. I agree that really helps x I will look into some of the books you mention. Good luck with your journey x

[CAS2]

All IVF success rates are pretty bad. Where else would we accept a circa 70% chance of something not working (as an average). That's why most people have a few rounds, as it's a numbers game.

Don't be too down heartened. I've just had my third cycle and am 40, and it was a really good round. We even got some frosties which was a huge shock and we have just tested positive on our first pregnancy test ever too! Just holding out for the 7 week viability scan (cautiously optimistic given age factors!!). It can happen for us older ladies

Plus there are always donor eggs. I was unsure about this at first and still am, but went to the Fertility Show in London, which really opened my eyes to it. It's something I'd consider now if this route doesn't work out.

Try not to be down about it. It's all doom and gloom in the news. Enjoy the weather and a nice glass of ice cream, or a wine or two, before your next cycle. xx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to CAS2]

Congratulations on your bfp. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I have tried to relax but abit like a coiled spring at the moment. I had 2 glasses of wine the other night and spent the whole next day feeling guilty that it may affect my chances. I seemed so much more relaxed on my first round

[CAS2]

Thank you.

It's so hard and such a stressful process isn't it. I spoke to a really great guy at the London Show called Charles from Care. Been in the profession for years and made me feel so much better. He basically said, having a glass of wine, a coffee and even a little bit of stress won't make a jot of difference. I was good on the last round, but chilled out a lot about it.

It's such a tough process anyway without setting too many boundaries and rules.

Have you started your next cycle yet? x

[Prayingforafamily in reply to CAS2]

Due to start in the next few weeks, just waiting for my af to arrive. Typical isn’t it.. you never want it to come and then the one time you do.... my last cycle was actually quite good. I responded a lot better than they thought I would do fingers crossed the next will be the same. X

[CAS2 in reply to Prayingforafamily]

That’s great news. Think they are learning each cycle too. Enjoy a cheeky glass of wine while you can 😉

Good luck for the next round xx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to CAS2]

Thank you. Good luck to you also. X and thanks for the advice... much appreciated

[MissSaoPaulo]

I'll be 40 this year - was turning 39 when I had treatment late last year. Currently got 1 in the oven and 3 still in the freezer It CAN happen and it does. We were very lucky it was successful first time (not least because it's unlikely we'd ever get the money together for another round - I don't live in the UK, so all private). It's a bit of a numbers game, but you've got to be in it to win it. I'm sorry the first round wasn't successful, it is a slap in the face, but it doesn't mean it won't work so don't give up yet xxx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Congratulationsxxx it really helps to hear positive stories x

[Redpixie]

I’ve just seen a news piece on bbc breakfast about the same thing. I have just turned 40 and a doing my 3rd transfer a week tomorrow (1 fresh and this is the 2nd frozen).

I’ve been really freaking out about turning 40 but am trying to stay optimistic. A couple of things have helped... my older sister had a baby naturally at 41 (after 3 miscarriages). And when I told my acupuncturist my numbers from the egg collection (14 eggs, 5 embryos, 3 x 5 days blastocysts) she said she was surprised by my age and that would be the numbers she’d expect from a woman in her early 30s. This gave me hope. I also have a therapist who is doing hypnotherapy on me on Friday to help me think more positively about the process as I have bad anxiety which makes me think the worst as a way of protecting myself.

The specialist on bbc breakfast frustrated me because he was saying everyone should start earlier. I didn’t meet my partner until I was 30. We obviously wanted to get to know each other and have now been trying for 5 years. I also had a bout of serious mental health problems meaning I was not in a state to be a parent. It’s all very well saying try earlier but if I’d had kids in my 20s I wouldn’t have been in a functional, stable relationship. I don’t think many women choose to leave parenthood so late, it adds an immense additional pressure onto an already stressful situation, but sometimes it’s just the way life is.

[Prayingforafamily in reply to Redpixie]

Your situation sounds exactly same as mine. We met at 35 and have been trying for some time, no doctors really felt this was a problem just said carry on... they never did any checks just referred us straight to ivf due to age. It was there that they found I had a amh if 6.6 .. still in normal range for my age but still very low overall. It just seemed like wait after wait, as soon as I hit 40 it seemed like they had wrote me off and it was all negative. I had my first round and responded well with 10 mature eggs, 6 fertilised and 3 made it to blast. I had 2 transferred fresh and one frozen. Unfortunately they did not take, I had poor lining so I always knew it was a long shot. Hoping they work on this for my next round which is this month. They were amazed with my results.. I just hope this round I respond as well.

[Redpixie in reply to Prayingforafamily]

Fingers crossed. It’s always nice to hear someone in the same boat. Let me know how you get on...

[Prayingforafamily in reply to Redpixie]

I will, and u also xx

[Heuchera]

Hi. My heart goes out to you. There is definitely still a very real hope for you to have a baby through ivf. I am 41 and a half! Waiting for af to start to begin my third cycle. I feel my doctor has been very fair in presenting the odds of having a child at my age. I have been quite pragmatic in preparing myself for the possibility of trying donor eggs in the future (this idea completely repulsed me when I first heard about it). My husband is a mathematician and researches probability. He is happy for us to try 3 more times with the standard ivf treatment! I am managing each day by considering things I can do to look after myself and trying to enjoy life. I am a fan of a therapy called ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy. This helps me to, instead of having a "goal" of having a baby, live my life in accordance with my values which includes "trying for a baby" but also includes looking after others and myself and helping others in my community. I also do exercise, walking, yoga, meditation, gardening, trying to sleep well, eating well, a little wine and nice coffee while I can before I start treatment again, etc. I also think of what a privilege it is to be able to use the science that is available to try to create a miracle and what an oportunity this is to be in contact with others going through tough times. This forum has definitely helped while I have been on treatment, in between times I don't look at it so much. The London women's clinic gives out a book called making friends with your fertility for free you can also buy it online. I found it really helpful. I wish you all the best in your journey xxx 💕

[Prayingforafamily]

Congratulations... I needed this today x

[SunnyDream in reply to Prayingforafamily]

I know that this is a bad feeling, but my heart aches for all those who cannot get pregnant. I am going through it by myself and know how it hurts

[Nurakge]

Hi,

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and encouraging thoughts. I am 40 and had just got news of my negative pregnancy test for my third IVF transfer. It is very hard to stay positive sometimes, can't stop thinking how many more times I will need to go through this uncertainty of not knowing if the treatment will work or not. But I feel that I have also learnt a lot about myself, my fears and expectations and what becoming a mother actually means to me. I have also experience the dreadful feelings at the possibility that I may not have a child, and I think that, hard as it is to feel this, sometimes you need to confront this fear to be able to make peace with the whole process. It's about looking a life and accept that we do not have control but that it is okay, because wherever life puts in our way, it's what is right for us at this moment of our lives. I believe if I am meant to be a mother I will be, whichever way and whenever this child wants to come to my life.

I recommend anybody going through this journey to read this book:

'The Fertile Female: How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World' by Julia Indichova

Love to all

[Hidden in reply to Nurakge]

Oh goodness, how’s I’m so sorry to read you had a negative result. But what an encouraging post to help others. You obviously have a big heart and a lot to give. I hope you get another chance!

I too am 40 (almost 41) and we’re on our third and final ivf attempt. I can empathise completely with your desperate feelings for motherhood.

For us, this is our last time. And it will never happen naturally. My OTD is Friday and from the stats, I’m convinced it will be negative again. It’s so difficult to remain positive. Pregnancy happens to other people, I’ve learned that over the years.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I’d like to know how to be truly happy with myself and find new life goals.

Many people have asked if we have considered adoption, I have but I’m not sure my husband would go for it. It’s such a lengthy process too and I already feel ancient after this! It’s definitely another conversation but a good, positive way to be a mum. Worth a thought, maybe. Xx

[Nurakge in reply to Hidden]

Hi Natalie,

Sending you strenght and peace on these hard days just before OTD. I really wish that whatever result you have, you continue being kind and loving to yourself. I like this quote from the book I mentioned earlier 'Let's have a radical way to look at crisis..view a challenge as an unfolding of a mistery rather than an afliction we must come and overcome'...

I also think about adoption, but it's daunting because I know it's a hard process.

My negative result is too recent and I want to give myself some time to reflect on what to do next, but I trust that if I keep caring for myself and listening to my own body the right action will come automatically, maybe another IVF round, maybe looking into adoption, maybe just letting it be....

Wishing you the most favourable outcome on Friday.

xx

[Hidden in reply to Nurakge]

Thank you for your kind wishes. I like that quote; I doesn’t seem so final.

They are definitely wise words about looking after yourself! I think it’s so easy to keep chasing a dream, without realising the harm it may be doing. Trying to remain grateful for what we have got is so difficult sometimes, as it is a reminder of what is missing.

I really hope everything works out for you and you’re happy and contented, whatever the outcome. Xx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to Hidden]

Good luck for you otd xx

[AvaEva999]

Hello, Dear, Frankly speaking, I had the same thoughts earlier but now, I changed my point of you. I am 41, I have a gorgeous 8-yo son and 18th week pregnant with my own eggs.

My AMH level is 0.6, I had 3 miscarriages and 6 IVF cycles in the past. You would probably ask me how could I have achieved this? I will answer: I am a woman and I am a fighter!

You know, my dream was so huge that it didn't leave any free space for doubts. It was hard, very hard both, mentally and physically but I didn't stop and continued my journey in spite of all the stones on my way. I found the clinic, the great specialist and even agreed on the new method of treatment just to achieve the main goal in my life!

I was blessed! We were blessed for all the efforts we've made!

Don't stop, don't lose your heart and go ahead for your dream.

As Paulo Coelho once said:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Best wishes to you!

Warmest vibes

xxx

[emu2016]

Sending lots of love. Don’t forget... headlines attract audiences. Those headlines and stats are based on one type of woman. When you drill down to age, diet, egg quality, egg quantity, womb, tubes... goodness knows what else... the stats change. Keep the faith x

[Picalilli99]

Thanks for posting this. I’m 39 and been really struggling these last few weeks with a flurry of close friends’ pregnancy/birth announcements along with lots of my friends (who all have kids) discussing what to do to celebrate our 40ths. I’ve noticed a sense of panic creeping in which I’ve not felt before. We are currently having a break before our last try with my own eggs. I’ve found this thread really helpful and especially the success stories and all the tips - because remaining positive is something I struggle with at times! Best of luck with your 2nd round - really hoping this will be your time xxx

[Prayingforafamily in reply to Picalilli99]

Thank you. Me too... I know exactly how you feel. Let’s hope this is our year xxx

[hoping-for-the-best]

I know everyone knows someone, but just thought I’d share that a woman at my work went through IVF at 42 and was successful, then turned around to do it again when her son was born and had a second! I’ve also known plenty of other women conceiving in their 40s. I think IVF can make you obsessed with statistics but while there may be some truth to it, looking at a chart of average success rates tells you nothing about the individual. I have to remind myself of this too.

I also second Nurakge’s recommendation of “The Fertile Female” - devoured half of it last night, it’s compelling reading and very positive when you’re feeling really down as I have been. She really had faith in herself when nobody else did and she was even being turned away from fertility clinics. It just goes to show how important keeping the faith is, something I am also struggling with.

Hang in there and don’t lose hope xxx

NB - just realised the book I’m reading is actually “Inconceivable” but by the same author 😊