Going around in circles!

[Faith27]

Anyone else feel like they just go around and around in circles!? I must say I'm getting a little bit dizzy lately.

Constantly balancing between having hope and felling completely hopeless, experiencing a mix of positive and negative thoughts, feeling in control and then completely out of control.. it's just wild!

My month goes a little something like this:

Period comes to an end - RIGHT, here we go! Baby.. get in my Belly!!!!!

First week after period - ovulation, ovulation I can feel your arrival soon.. Exciting!! OH are you ready lol..

Second week - this must be the strongest ovulation I've had! Im feeling ALL the signs. We are onto a winner - confidence level 1000%

Beginning of third week - hmm.. I think we have done it! Positive thoughts, positive pants on... it's our time.

End of third week - why oh why oh why. It hasn't happened for years now, why will this month be any different! We done it all the right days but what if it wasn't really the right days!? Sore boobs? Period? Ovulation? Uncertainty level 2000%!

Spotting - OOOOooooOOOO this is that thing called implantation bleeding! Wayhey let's read a million different implantation signs even though it's a dead cert - we have done it!

Period pains arrive followed by period - pass me the chocolate, food, wine, box of tissues perhaps. Find me cuddled up in bed feeling sorry for myself lol this is normally when all the pregnancy announcements from others get shared too which is always a kick in the teeth!

Bloody journey takes over your life doesn't it? I was actually wondering earlier, what on earth I did or worried about prior to TTC!? I must have had such an easy lovely care free life lol. Almost every night I research and research everything TTC related until I bore myself to sleep.. I really think I need to find myself again, find a purpose perhaps? Myself and partner have an amazing relationship, we have so much fun and I have brilliant friends and family around me - Im always so busy socialising. Work is brilliant. I think I've just got to the point now where I feel a baby is next and while this could be the case (hopefully in the future) .. I'm worried that I've lost my purpose of enjoying life really!? Even though im very happy with my life - does that make sense? Or perhaps I wish I didn't need a purpose where as I feel I do now .. I don't know!

[Montgomery2]

Hi 👋 we took a year off after what seemed a year of what you’ve described above, it was mad but we’ve kept focussed on other things and are going our second round this month. I do know what you mean in terms of not knowing yourself anymore, I love babies but I tend to stay away from them now a bit more than I did, I know people who have had a miscarriage and got pregnant again in the time it took me to get over our first round of IVF and it can make me upset, and a bit crazy about things.

I deffo recommend a bit of time away not thinking about babies or TTC, a bit of you time.

Xxx

[Hidden]

I completely feel you. My only consolation is an action plan....keeping planning for plan b and c....it helps with motivation for me anyway x

[Faith27 in reply to Hidden]

I completely relate to this! A plan keeps me sane most of the time, your right lovely xx

[leanneski]

Completely understand what you’re feeling, the whole experience of TTC every month and it not happening either naturally or with help is totally overwhelming and all consuming at times. For me I need a back up plan because the thought of getting to a point in the journey where all the options like IVF have been unsuccessful and being on the precipice thinking ‘what the f*** now’ was just too much and terrified me. I started looking into what other options there are like adoption and also what other peoples experiences of living without children can be like. Although these options at the moment don’t fill me with excitement, they at least give me a little security in knowing that there are other paths I can take that are still meaningful.

To try and help stay balanced at the moment I’ve been exercising, walking , yoga and the gym. I arranged a PT session and explained where I’m at in terms of fertility and he was so helpful in creating a programme that suits. This, eating a healthier diet, and improving my sleep routine has helped me enormously both physically and psychologically. This forum is also amazing!! Look after yourself, take a break now and then, it doesn’t mean your giving up, just refuelling your strength for a tough journey! 💜 x

[Faith27 in reply to leanneski]

Thank you lovely. Your absolutely right about the endless back up plans ! I have a couple up my sleeve and it really helps to give me faith and hope. I'm keeping health and fitness to one side as my final back up plan lol! I know I need to be a bit healthier but feel it's the trick up my sleeve that I have control over after all investigations come back as clear. Until I've had my laparoscopy, to know if it's all been for nothing! I'm not planning on that element just yet. Hope your getting on ok xx

[VenaADA]

Just read your post and it gives me some relief to know that I am not the only one going through this. I thought I was being crazy but you have now confirmed that many women like us who wants to be moms go through this sort of thing. I have finally decided today to move on and just let it be.I will stop reading, researching, taking pre-conception tablets. Will probably start working more than 3 days a week now and return to completing my degree. I feel like I have done so much for the past 3 years, After 2 years of trying and nothing, I was able to convince my GP that something is not right and I should be referred to a gynecologist, which he did and upon examination, I was told I had polyps and a fibroid. Had surgery to remove them and scrap my uterus. Have had irregular period for years now so it's very difficult to monitor my periods, fertility and ovulation cycle. The strips and test rarely work. Some times I wonder if I even ovulate.Anyway I am just rumbling. Everyone tells me to just don't think about it and it will happen. Good Luck to you! I am sorry if I don't sound hopeful. This actually stresses me and makes me depressed.

[Faith27 in reply to VenaADA]

Thanks for commenting! Glad to hear that my post helps you realise that there are many people out there going through the same thing and feeling the same way. The decision to move on is a hard one! In some ways, while I have researching and constantly thinking about it.. I also think it's a comfort to be at the moment because I'm constantly finding different reasons as to why were just not able to conceive naturally. Glad to hear you were able to see a Gynacologist and get things investigated further. I hope it's your time soon lovely xx

[Core]

Completely get this! Sometimes I think do I need to give myself a break but then I think I can’t could that would just make my baby be even further away ☹️ xx

[Faith27 in reply to Core]

Completely relate to this! We didn't try month before last and I felt it was all just a waste. I'm happy to continue trying, were lucky that we have such a good relationship and one that includes lots of love and patience however the endless circle is just grating! Xx

[Core]

Completely get this! Sometimes I think do I need to give myself a break but then I think I can’t could that would just make my baby be even further away ☹️ xx

[Hidden]

Yes yes yes. Boy is this familiar. These days I find it a relief when treatment/complications etc mean we can’t try - thank goodness for a break!

[leanneski]

No worries, I hope you get some answers through your investigations, best of luck with everything xx