Hi I'm new, Sorry for long post.... needing some advice? My story

[Blueyes90]

Hi, I'm new to this! I'm looking for advice... I'm 29 and recently had my first round of ivf with donor eggs due to premature menopause (found out last year such a rollercoaster!) and unfortunately I miscarried at 5weeks 5days, in February. My first ever pregnancy! I am absolutely gutted and heart broken as I so longed for a little family of my own. 😭😭

On OTD my HPT showed a slightly faint line and had a hcg same day, levels were too low 26.9. They told me to stay on tablets as protocol and to test again the following week.... it should be negative they said, i did that and got a clear positive phoned my clinic they were as shocked as me, and done another blood test my levels went up to 397.9 they told me to proceed with caution what the hell does that mean?.. I was pregnant and I cried with joy and happiness. It all went down hill from there. I started to bleed only slightly the next night and I phoned out of hours at the clinic. I went in the following day for another hcg, My levels dropped to 197.... devasted I didn't know what to do or say....

They had me go in for another hcg 48hrs later and they dropped again to 57. Because I was experiencing some really random pains they did a scan they couldn't see anything on the scan and come off my ivf meds. I started to think was I actually pregnant? Was it just the meds or hormones? 2 evenings later I began to have really bad cramping, what I thought to be contractions never experienced the pain before! I was crying in pain also bleeding heavy at this point and I couldn't sleep my OH was so worried! I took some medication and finally fell asleep. The next morning I passed my baby/sac how? What's going on? They told me they couldn't see anything on the scan!? I was even more heartbroken as I wasn't expecting this! 😭

I was left so confused as to why I wasn't, then I was, then it got taken away from me so quickly after a BFP.

I am currently on the waiting list which is 12months for another donor as I have none frozen from previous 😢 I don't know how to move forward and think positive about the next step? And also what I could change to be prepared for my next round? I am really struggling with everything right now and I don't know what to do? Can anyone help me please?

Thank you in advance and again sorry for the really long post! X

[2-shades-of-hope]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is so difficult to get the news that you’ve been hoping and wishing for and then to have it taken away. It is the cruelest side of IVf that we often don’t realise can happen when we are just starting out. Have you had any counselling through your clinic? Xx

[Blueyes90 in reply to 2-shades-of-hope]

Hi thank you for your reply. It is cruel and heart wrenching. But obviously no other choice I really want a family and it hurts 😢 no not yet I haven't got an app until 11th it sucks that i had to wait this long and still waiting... xx

[2-shades-of-hope in reply to Blueyes90]

I think all you can do in the meantime is remind yourself that how you are feeling is totally normal, you are grieving and it is ok to put yourself first. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do right now. I hope your appointment is helpful x

[Blueyes90 in reply to 2-shades-of-hope]

Thank you xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Blueyes. So sorry to read all this, and I can fully understand how devastated you are just now, and I do hope you have plenty of support. Just be careful who you spend your time with for the moment, and look after you. perhaps confide in one close friend or relative while you are so fragile. Do seek some counselling too if you can from the clinic or GP. On a practical note, I do have a couple of lists of questions I can email you in confidence, if you want, in readiness for your next appointment. Most won't be appropriate, but there may be a few you can use. You need to email me at [e-mail] and I will send them. i am here Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thinking of you Diane

[Blueyes90 in reply to DianeArnold]

Hi Diane, thank you for replying. I do have some support, but it's so difficult to speak to them especially when they all have children of their own or pregnant with their first which is hard for me as I don't want to see them, feeling selfish! It is so difficult to just walk out the front door when all you see around you is bumps and babies 😢 x

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK in reply to Blueyes90]

Hi Blueyes. There is always the opportunity of counselling which should be available at your clinic/hospital or through your GP. A charity called the “British Infertility Counselling Association” can also be accessed at bica.net this is not a free service, but they are all specially qualified in counselling people with fertility issues.

Diane

[Kilk22]

God my heart is broke for you reading your post. How can life be so so cruel. I really hope you find some one to talk to. I wouldn’t wait for that counseling appointment ...if you feel the need, I’d go source something sooner, while you wait. No one should go through what your going through. I really hope you find peace very soon. I will pray for you xxx

[Blueyes90 in reply to Kilk22]

Hi kilk22 I have been having a few appointments with my gp as I am finding it hard to go back to work. Also have taken myself to the library to get some self help book's, not much help to be honest but you gotta try? I'm just worried about it all happening again, I know I have a year to sort myself out before the next round but it's so hard to even think about it just feeling sorry for myself and helpless. Thank you for your kind words xx

[Kilk22]

I can’t even imagine. Probably feels like no matter what you do, who you see or who you talk to, nothing is gonna take away this pain....I guess the only (clinche) thing I’m sure has been said to you is , Time....take one day at a time and do whatever you feel you need to do to help you along the way. I haven’t had a touch of what you’ve had but I have been so so down and depressed and I went to a meditation / yoga class, more so meditation. ....it was emotional but I felt lifted after it. I’ve since signed up for a course of classes. Best wishes hun. Xxx

[Blueyes90]

I hope time can heal my pain who knows. Oh I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you get better soon! I may have to try yoga or meditation I keep meaning to have a look at classes but still haven't managed to do it yet. I hope within time you get can beat this too! Thank you for the support xx