Feeling ridiculous and annoyed with myself for feeling like this but need to vent.

[CC2018]

Hi. So for those of you that don't know our story I'm 29 DH is 33 and after lots of testing after trying for just over 2 and a half years we were diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility' and received 1 free fresh cycle on the NHS which I thank God has worked and I'm currently 33 weeks. During the time we were trying lots of friends and family members announced they were expecting and several babies were born in a very short time period. One happened to be the younger of my 2 sister in laws who told the family she was pregnant as soon as they knew at only a few weeks and they hadn't really tried for very long at all making for a very long and difficult Christmas for me when our in laws insisted they were having everyone to stay and we had to endure lots of baby talk. Fast forward and they have a lovely boy who is nearly 18months old. Last March before we began our ivf cycle, I noticed my older sister in law looked a little rounder on the tummy and said "I bet she's pregnant with her 2nd" and just over a month later she announced it to the family which I was pleased about but also felt lots of pressure for our cycle to succeed. She had another lovely little girl in November but by this point we had revealed we had been successful and although our in laws knew we were having some kind of help we told them after the 3 months mark we had ivf explained our struggle over the past couple of years and my in laws and older sister in law seemed genuinely pleased for us. My younger sister in law didn't say anything. When we were therefore Christmas there were lots if comments about if my older sister in law would have anymore (she's 35) and she has said no as she had a really bad time with gestational diabetes in both pregnancies. I noticed it was my younger sister in law and her husband asking a lot of this questions and joking about it sensing then I knew what was coming, despite them apparently wanting to move to a bigger house before they had anymore children and last week I said to my DH I bet your sister is pregnant (my ability to guess and spot this in others is an absolute curse after suffering infertility) and lo and behold the next day my younger sister in law sent a message to the family- a photo of a positive pregnant test done that very morning announcing their second pregnancy which they had only decided to try again with just before Christmas. I am pleased for them but also can't help but feeling annoyed that she couldn't have waited just another month until our baby was born before announcing it (I'm being induced early). It feels selfish and it's got my anxieties up that if we wanted another child, would we be able to do it naturally? Would we be able to afford a round of ivf if we needed it? Would it work? It just feels like a total slap in the face that they've had it so easy and I feel like it's really taken over the fact our little one will be here soon because she is pregnant again and couldn't wait to show it off. I would have thought she would have been more tactful knwoing what we had to go through. Apologies if I'm sounding like the green eyed monster here or that I'm over reacting- it's just my husband is one of four and has always been little pushed out of his family and now when we have something bringing us together his little sister has made it all about her baby instead of just waiting a little bit longer for us to enjoy our baby for a month or two before revealing her pregnancy. I wish all of you out there going through this get your babies and don't have to deal with such tactless family members xx

[SJYoung]

Morning Lovely

I 100% understand how you feel, this has happened with me with my sister in law and both of her children. I had a chemical pregnancy whilst she was pregnant with her second. They announced the sex of the baby the day after I started bleeding.....

In my husbands family fertility issues is a sign of weakness x

[CC2018 in reply to SJYoung]

I'm so sorry for what you went through- infertility is certainly not a weakness but a test of strength, especially when dealing with other inconsiderate people. I know I should get over it since we have been so fortunate but at the same time I think it was a bit thoughtless of her to do it. She didn't even have to wait until she was 12 weeks- just a bit longer so we could enjoy our baby arriving. Xx

[Hidden in reply to CC2018]

Perhaps they are thoughtless, or perhaps they thought it would be better to announce now rather than taking some limelight after your baby is born?

It is so annoying and so very difficult to deal with others falling so easily and seemingly carelessly pregnant whilst we are behind closed doors in despair, crying raw tears and pulling our hair out with frustration. There is no way they can understand at all even a little about how we feel and the impact of their actions on us. But how would you feel if she had made the announcement in a month- when would be a good time?

Xx

[CC2018 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply.Tbh being a high risk pregnancy and feeling anxious about giving for the first time birth, especially being induced, announcing it afterwards would have been better. I'd have given birth, bonded with my baby and be ready for good news once my head was in a good place. The point is now my anxieties are through the roof thinking about birth, wondering if I'll ever get to experience pregnancy again, if I would be able to do it again would it be naturally or would we need to save thousands of pounds just to attempt to add another addition to our family not knowing if it'll work. I just believe a little bit of thought would have gone along way. I'm glad your pregnancy is going well. Xx

[Hidden in reply to CC2018]

It's so hard isn't it? Everything is a worry and sets off anxieties. Hopefully she gets some kind of sense and actually thinks of others - I.e. you and your precious cargo.

Xxx

[Cinderella5]

I'd be a bit pee'd off too if I was in your shoes! It sounds almost like your sister in law is used to being the centre of attention and no way was she gonna miss out on keeping there....reading between the lines perhaps she is a little jealous that your new arrival would take the shine off her announcing her new pregnancy so got in there first, very immature and inconsiderate I think! Dont feel bad for feeling how you feel, its just how you feel! I know its hard but push the thoughts of her aside and focus on enjoying the last few weeks of your pregnancy, it wont be long till you'll be far too busy and elated with your arrival to even think about your sister in law! Wishing you all the best for delivery!xx

[CC2018 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you. I hope everything is going well for you. My sister in law is normally quite nice but I have never understood her need to inform family immediately both times she has found out she is pregnant. I mean, literally a few hours after she peed on the stick! I just can't understand how she wouldn't think it could be thoughtless or tactless knowing what her brother and I have gone through a d that she couldn't wait 5 more weeks until our baby arrived. I'm so looking forward to our baby but her doing this has made my anxiety rocket about the future. So glad I have this forum who understand xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to CC2018]

Apart from being a near basket case Im getting on ok. LOL Had a little pink discharge last night which literally knocked me sideways, it tailed off quickly but this is not for the faint hearted!!

Some people just cant keep things to themselves. Like I said, try to forget about her and focus you yourselves....time to be selfish!!xx

[Hidden]

I can imagine how youre feeling! What I've realised about having fertility issues and family/friends is that people just don't understand what you go through, even if you explain it..... I think I was one of those myself a few years back, and it's one of these things that you only know all the ups and downs of you've actually gone through it yourself. I really don't expect any sympathy anymore from any of my family members, they won't understand unless they go through something similar, it's only me and my husband who know what we've really been through. Your family will just see that you're pregnant now so they won't see an issue in announcing a pregnancy because they'll just see that everything is fine and has sorted itself out xxxxxxxx

[CC2018 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. That's true I suppose. I thought my in laws would understand as apparently it took them a little bit of time were offered some pills as was the protocol for anything back then and before my MIL could take them she found out she was expecting and had 4 kids in 5 years. My FIL then had the snip. When they asked me about our troubles and I said we'd been trying over 2 years my MIL audibly gasped in disbelief which made me feel uncomfortable but I don't think she meant it. I just hate the fact that this news has made my anxiety shoot up. Xx

[Hidden in reply to CC2018]

Focus on yourself the next few weeks, maybe distance yourself from that side of the family as much as you can, just say your knackered and resting etc? Nothing more important than your new baby when it comes, and once it's born it'll be easy to forget these things, remember your sis in law has a long way to go in your pregnancy and she may seem like everything's ok but no one knows what they might go through in a pregnancy as anything can happen and she may need you xxxx

[KTL80]

I am sorry to read this is causing you so much upset. It is completely understandable though. I have often said to myself “When will it be my turn?” and it would really p*ss me off if it was finally my turn but someone came along and tried to steal all my thunder.

It sounds like it has been a really tough journey for you and your husband, and unless they have been through something similar, it is highly unlikely people (even close family) will ever truly understand what you’ve been through. It’s important to remember why you are on this journey, and in a few weeks’ time when you meet your baby all of this will presumably feel insignificant.

I am not remotely defending her decision to tell everyone now, but thinking about the alternative, if she had waited until your baby had arrived wouldn’t that have been just as upsetting by taking the limelight off your new-born? I have learnt that there is no good time to hear about someone else’s pregnancy when on this physically and emotionally draining fertility ride so now I smile and say “well done”, when what I really want to shout is “Right, that’s it. No one else is allowed to get pregnant or have a baby until I hold mine in my arms”.

I have also learnt that people who like to shout about what they have are often just trying to drown out what they don’t have. It’s the biggest sign of insecurity. So maybe she likes to shout about her pregnancies as soon as she can to talk over the parts of her life she doesn’t want people to notice.

I wish you all the very best for the future, and I hope you can ignore her attention grabbing behaviour and enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy. This is yours, your husband’s and your baby’s story and others should feel privileged to be part of it.

xx

[CC2018 in reply to KTL80]

Thanks. It's not really about stealing our thunder- I just think there's an apppropriate time and now she's announced the news my anxiety has shot through the roof again questioning our future and last time my anxiety was bad due to infertility and preparing for treatment I had severe panic attacks. I felt isolated, and awful. I'm a high risk pregnancy and i'm being induced which also has my anxiety high. If she'd waited 5 or 6 weeks I would have given birth, spent time with my baby and had some time to enjoy my new family but now I feel all confused about the future and wondering if I'll ever get to experience this again. I can't wait to meet my baby. I just thought that knowing it took us nearly 3 years and we had no idea if we could even get pregnant that she would have had a bit more thought. I hope you get your baby soon. This is so hard to go through especially when family and friends don't understand it. Xx

[Kempton]

The fertile can be an absolute pain the a***. These people will never quite understand what a blessing it is. But just enjoy the fact you're pregnant now. Once your little one arrives, the fuss will all be about you for a while.

My hubby and I had unexplained infertility and i found out I'm pregnant a few weeks back. Completely naturally so don't rule out more children.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

[CC2018 in reply to Kempton]

Thank you! This gives me some hope. I hate feeling anxious and thus news just makes me question our future. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy xx

[CC2018]

Thank you. I'm so sorry about your miscarriages- you're so brave to endure so many cycles and I'm so happy your pregnancy is going well. Anxiety and infertility are awful together. I think all the questions about our future are made worse by the fact we had never been pregnant before our treatment so I'm constantly wondering if we'd be able to do it without help or whether we would need to save up for a sibling and if it would even work. Being a high risk pregnancy and being told you're going to be induced also doesn't help for a first timer. I would have liked to have been able to give birth, enjoy my little family for at least a week before being hit with more pregnancy news. It think I'd be in a better frame of mind to hear it and be able to look forward to another family member. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well xx

[_MrsC]

I understand why you’re upset and I expect your hormones are in overdrive which doesn’t help. I’d take a deep breath and a step back. At the end of the day, you’re having a baby which is a wonderful gift. You were successful on your first go of IVF and you’re in a position to be considering having another child. Whilst it might not feel like it, luck has been on your side. Maybe try to enjoy these last few months of expecting as once your little one has arrived, I’m sure you will be so overwhelmed with love that the rest of it will become less significant. No one who has not struggled will ever understand what it feels like to struggle. In the words of Elsa, ‘letting it go’ is sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Right now your priority is preparing for the birth of your precious gift. Don’t let the actions of someone who can’t possibly understand detract from that. If you do, then in a way, you are allowing them to be in the limelight and rob you of your joy. Stand in your own spotlight of happiness. Your joy will radiate for everyone to see and will bring you your own kind of peace too. Wishing you all the best for a wonderful future with this little one and hopes for a sibling. x

[CC2018 in reply to _MrsC]

Thank you- your words are very comforting. I realise I am very fortunate and grateful for where we have gotten. It's the ugliness of anxiety eating away that has gotten me into this state xx

[Nodds]

Ahh, navigating the attention-seeking pregnant sister-in-law... I’ve done that many-a-time and completely know how you’re feeling. What I’ve learnt is that yes, she might get pregnant quickly, but that doesn’t mean her life is/will be perfect. Karma has a funny way of biting people on the bum... just watch and wait.

Timing is always tricky, tbh I think she’s actually done you a bit of a favour (bear with me!...). Fast forward to when your baby arrives, you’re loving being a mum - the baby isn’t very old and all of a sudden she announces her pregnancy. You’d be thinking ‘...hang on, I’ve only just had mine, let me enjoy the attention...etc’. So, by announcing now, she’s got her 5 mins of attention for a 2nd pregnancy no one is particularly surprised/ bothered about. Hang on in there xxx

[AJJ123]

I so know how u feel! It’s like they want to rub your face in it ‘look how easy it is for us, we don’t have any concerns, so we will tell everyone before 3 month mark’.

Grrr just carry on as normal, you won’t be too bothered when your little one arrives. It’ll only resurface when ttc no 2 xx