I’m becoming someone I don’t like

[Kathryn1984]

I’ve had a really tough time since my miscarriage in April. I’m definitely depressed, on medication and counselling. This weekend past, I had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying, I was struggling to breath, I felt like I was a burden to everyone, and that they’d all be better off if I wasn’t here. I’m ashamed that I’ve been signed off another week at work. What’s really getting me is I think everyone hates me because they all think I’m this nasty jealous person who can’t be happy for anyone else’s good news. I hate the person I’ve become. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. It’s been so frightening. I felt like I was outside of my body. I’m not sleeping, I’m waking up in cold sweats, I’ve got a constant migraine, my neck and shoulders are killing me. I just hate what my miscarriage has done to me and my life. I’ve had to take a step down in my career, because I couldn’t handle things. Now I’m ashamed that my career is lost. I feel like nobody. I feel like I don’t matter. I’m just fed up of being me. I went to my GP yesterday, he signed me off work, but said to carry on with the same medication and counselling. I feel like I’m trying everything I can to get better, but nothings working. I just hate who I am. I just want to be a happy and nice person again. I don’t know why I’ve written this here. I’m just hoping someone can give me any tips I’ve not thought about to bring me out of thIs black hole. I’m not even thinking about getting pregnant at the moment because I’m not mentally capable to manage it. I just feel so weak and pathetic. Please help someone.

[Tugsgirl]

I’m sorry I don’t really have any tips. It sounds like you’re trying everything to get better, to be better, and to learn to deal with everything. No one can possibly hate you when you’re trying to be a better person. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault xx

[MissSaoPaulo]

This is breaking my heart to read.

I don't know you, but the fact you want to feel differently shows you are not a bad person and I'm sure those around you don't think so either, but it's hard to see that sometimes through the black dog depression.

Please stop being angry at yourself about this, it only causes a vicious circle and will stop you going forward and getting yourself out of this state.

I don't know if I can suggest anything beyond what you're doing and I can only say that it's obvious from this post that you want to change and that's always the first, most important step. So take heart from that.

Sending you a load of positive energy xxx

[Bridget_rose]

Kathryn you are going through such a difficult time, I am so sorry. It sounds unbearable.

Please try to understand that you are unwell. Mental illness makes you feel these thoughts and it is every bit as real as physical illness. Would you be ashamed if you had broken your leg and had to take time off work? There is nothing to be ashamed of. You need time and rest and space to heal. The same as if you had a physical illness. It doesn’t happen overnight but if you are on meds and having counselling you are taking the right first steps.

Anxiety and depression are so cruel because they make you feel awful inside and then also guilty and ashamed. But this is the illness talking. Be kind to yourself. It is too easy to be harsh to yourself but try and treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend or sibling in crisis.

If you are really considering hurting yourself please call for medical help or the Samaritans.

Big hugs, you are not alone. And things will get better xxx

[Aleelilook]

Oh god I’ve been there, and still am somedays. I won’t go on about me, but I also have counselling and when I’m feeling completely dreadful I have an extra session a week which helps, perhaps you could ask your counsellor if that would be possible? Apart from that it’s the same old things, write it down, talk about it, do something nice blah blah blah (I’m sure they all work but no quick fix!) just know that people don’t hate you, you’re grieving, and it’s shit. I was told yesterday that I won’t feel like this forever, and you won’t, it’s just utter crap right now and so desperately unfair xxx

[2-shades-of-hope]

Kathryn, I really understand what you mean. I could have written that post. I have recently miscarried too and I identify with everything you say, especially about feeling like a nobody because of stepping down at work. I’ve given up my professional role for a basic entry level job and I feel so ashamed and sad. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like I have nothing to be proud of anymore. If you want to msg me please do xx

[EmJen]

I’m so so sorry that you are having such a hard time. Life is incredibly unfair and difficult sometimes. I’ve absolutely been there when the darkness rolls in. It can be suffocating. It sounds positive that you are getting help, and being kind to yourself by taking the pressure off at work. I know it’s easy to say, but try not to be too hard on yourself about pausing you career or not being able to be there for friends - you can’t be and do everything for everyone. Sometimes you just need to stop, and allow yourself to focus just on you. And that’s ok. Sending you love and strength x

[Dunla]

Kathryn I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I haven’t had a miscarriage but two years ago I could have written this post. You absolutely matter and I’m sure your family and friends love and care for you very much. You are doing all the right things, taking some time off work, going for counselling and taking some medication. These are all very proactive steps to helping you feel like you again. I know you can’t see it right now but these things will help you get out of that black hole you feel yourself slipping into. Take things one day at a time and you will hopefully feel a little stronger as each day passes. There are better days ahead. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. Lots of women in this community, including me have been exactly where you are right now. I am so glad you posted your message today. Please know I am here for you at any time. Sending a very big hug to you xxx

[AnnieAnnie]

Hi Kathryn it sounds like you are going through a really tough time and have been for a while. Please try and not be so hard on yourself. When you're in the grips of feeling this way your mind is harsh and starts playing tricks on you making you think a certain way and making it difficult for you to see any good or be positive about anything. We are all here for you, there is always someone listening here when you need it. Know that we all care and if we care then you must have friends and family that care about you and love you no matter what. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have given your all to follow your dream. Have you tried taking some time away with your OH and switching off from all of the normal every day stresses and strains. Me and my husband went away a couple if months ago, just for 4 nights, but we booked a lodge in the woods, hubby turned off his mobile and I mine was for taking pictures, we played cards, watched films, went on walks and chilled in the hot tub. But what was important is we talked and spent quality time together and enjoyed time and laughed together again. It did me the world of good. Sending you hugs xx

[Lyn84]

Hi i remember feeling the same after my miscarriage and couldn't imagine being on the other side of things it took time but i got there im not going to lie i have the odd day where it can still hit me but compared to how i was im a 100% better it is good that you went for help i didnt go to the dr i went and had reiki thats what helped me turn the corner for myself and then i tried to do all the things the old me did before i started trying for a baby, I am dreading xmas and i didnt want to celebrate but i am pushing myself to make the effort i bought myself a pair of angel wings to put on the tree to honour the baby we lost x

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I had an acupuncture toxin drain after a miscarriage which did help me, though I was not depressed as you are. Also a cranial osteopath would be able to help you with your neck and shoulder pain. Both cost money but I felt they were worth it.

[Hidden]

Hi Kathryn1984

I am so sorry to read your post and I know lots of people will recog use what you are going through in one form or another. It is such a hard journey and so difficult to keep going and feel that you remember who you are.

I have found the last 12 month's particularly hard and after my bfn in December last year, took 5.5months off work. I just knew I couldn't keep going or give what was needed either for my work or my personal mission so something had to give. I tried all sorts to de stress including acupuncture, counselling, joining a choir, mindfulness and kineseology. The things that really helped me, especially when I got to transfer in March then miscarriage in April too was the mindfulness and the kineseology.

Perhaps you could look into these. Mindfulness is amazing for decluttering that overactive mind which focuses on everything negative, and kineseology I have found to be kind of like counselling for the body.

I really wish you a speedy recovery and send you loads of hugs. You are an amazing strong woman, you just need to focus on you for a time. Xxx

[Kelz84]

Hi hun i felt such sadness reading your blog. I haven’t gone through a miscarriage before but I have had a loss. Which was my nan and I’m not saying at all that it’s the same but the reaction we have felt was similar. I turnt into a horrible person who I didn’t recognise. I was failing at my job and my friends and family didn’t recognise me. I was in this hole for about two years. I had counselling and meds. The only thing that got me out of this awful place was me. I had a lot of talks with myself, wrote my feelings down of how I felt when my Nan was here and the comfort she gave me. It helped strangely. I started to go on walks with a flask in hand and my headphones. I just wanted to zone out and only think of the words in the songs. It helped me. It was my start and from there I took the next step to change my hair, put a bit of make up on even though it was just a bit of mascara. I put mascara on coz I thought to myself it will stop the tears and I didn’t want panda eyes. It’s a long process and not a quick fix. Like I said I know the feeling of mental illness and yes I do still have bad days where I don’t want to get out of bed. But now I drag myself out and be thankful. If you ever want a chat your more then welcome to message me. I’m hoping that I’ve gave some positive advice and not made you feel worse. But there is light at the end of the tunnel hun. You just gotta believe in yourself. Sending lots of love xxx

[SConnor]

Kathryn I'm really sad to read what you're going through. I felt very depressed last year after my MC, and then I went straight into endo surgery and hormonal treatment to prevent endo from growing back afterwards which essentially made it all worse.

I had to reject a job offer for a great opportunity as I wasn't mentally prepared for it and decided to focus on getting well and spend all my energy on the baby project. Do not feel bad for taking a step down at work - it is the right time to do so and you need to save your energy for your recovery and then resuming this journey.

Mindfulness helped me too in this time, it helps you process emotions in a healthier way.

And please don't beat yourself up, you just really need some time for yourself - social life and what others think about you can wait. Everything but your wellbeing can wait.

For me it was a rough 8 months from that to starting IVF and finding our fertility specialist who was very encouraging. Having a plan and a specialist I trusted made all the difference. I felt I was finally on the good path. I then had a much needed holiday with my husband to get sunshine and vitamins and came back for the treatment.

Today, about a year later from all that nightmare I am almost 3 months pregnant.

I hope you have the same success story and really really hope you can find peace and start healing. Don't give up and be gentle to yourself, this was very tough but there's light at the end of the tunel!! xxxx

[Shirazlover2013]

Yep me too! I fell in a heap Sept last year and struggled back to some form of normality in feb or so. Then after another fertility blow last month I’m back down there again. It’s a horrible journey to be on or in the middle of. I don’t feel like I am in control of my life or even my happiness, which feels awful. My best friend is trying so hard to help me (she is a psychologist and knows me inside out, and is the best person in the world) but I can’t bring myself to read the articles or links she sends to me as they are all “acceptance” or “letting go of control” self help stuff which I have always hated. I know these are designed to give you some kind of control over your own responses and happiness but I am still not on board with it.

But as you can see you are not alone, nor am I. It is truly awful this journey but I still see it as a journey and not a destination. Everything is a phase, it will end at some point, we will eventually be able to focus on something other than this. But for now we must look after ourselves and one another. Sending you so many hugs xx

[Elynn]

Grief runs it's own course ..lm so sorry you are suffering so much. You will heal...but it takes time. Try to be kind to yourself I hope you've got some great people around you.

[Flimzee]

I am sorry to read your post and hear that you are feeling so low. I have been there and also took time off work, which helped me. It’s great and really positive that you have felt able to seek help. One thing that helped me was to do something that brought me enjoyment each day. It might be something small, like have a bath or go for a walk in the sunshine. I built it up to getting back into hobbies I enjoyed (I am a potter), which really helped me. I do remember though that some days I just didn’t feel like it. Trust that brighter days will be ahead for you. I hope they are not too far away xxx

[londonrc]

Hi Kathryn,

I too have been in a similar place but for me it wasn’t until after my 3rd miscarriage- I totally brushed the first two under the carpet and then when no 3 happened everything just poured out! I was an emotional wreck most of the time- counselling and acupuncture helped me through it and I have since had a 4th and seemed to get passed that ok so far- but continuing with acupuncture ( 5 elements specifically) which really helps balance my emotions. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up - it’s an awful thing that many of us go through but we do come out stronger and fighting harder - in our own time. Once you start to feel better you can make a plan of how to move forward. As you can see by the lovely messages that have been written, there are many women on here around to support you anytime, going through similar experiences. Sending you hugs and love. X

[Sandyels]

Hi Kathryn,

I am so sorry about your miscarriage and about everything you have been through and about your current state of mind. I understand from what you have written that you feel quite worthless at the moment in almost every aspect of your life. You mention both your career and as a person. (It is important to remember that feeling worthless doesn’t mean you are worthless). That is a really tough place to be in, but there is help! And although it might not always feel like that, you have already taken some of the first steps to change. You have a wish to change and you are getting help as it does sound like you are depressed (and you might have had a panic attack, which is quite common as well). For some people it helps to know that those many of those feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are part of being depressed. As Bridget_rose wrote, If you feel like hurting yourself, please phone the Samaritans.

I believe that it is important that you know that you have the right to feel angry, sad, guilty, hurt and worried (and all the other feelings) with yourself and the world and that it is okay. Sometimes it helps to accept all these feelings instead of feeling guilty and bad about them. Because as many here have written, they are normal and many have experienced them. These feelings tell you that you have lost someone and something important.

There are types of therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and compassion focused therapy (Cft) which can be helpful as well. There are some books about it as well.

[hifer]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I thought I was on the way to a breakdown (and had many of your symptoms) before I got pregnant and then I miscarried 9 weeks later. I was utterly devastated. You are doing many things that I would suggest but I would recommend that you only focus on one thing at a time. Your mental health has to come first. You mention work and I know that you are not where you want to be but don't worry about it. You have a job and that's the most important thing, but you have been signed off. Try not to think about it for now. You may need some more time off so just play it by ear. Are you talking to your partner about how you feel? What about friends? Friends are not in place of a counsellor but they should know how you are feeling. They may be able to help and offer support alongside everything else. Can you take some time out for yourself? Get a massage? Go away for a few days? It's so so important to take some time out and a step back. I'm so pleased to hear that you are not even thinking about getting pregnant just at the moment. This is very controversial on a forum like this when the vast majority of people are trying to get pregnant and are desperate but I truly believe this should not overcome / replace the importance of your mental health. Take some time with your partner, have some fun, go to the cinema, anything that you find relaxing and where you can spend some time together. Hopefully with everything else you are doing, you will start to feel better.

Feel free to pm me if you need to chat. Wishing you all the best

xx

[Rainbowhope]

Reading your message is heart breaking. I desperately want to say something that will help but all I can do is share my experience. I feel exactly the same way about myself. I relate to your symptoms. I wake up every morning at 3 in the morning and some mornings I have googled wats to end my life. I wake up in cold sweats and have a panic attack. My husband was kind and patient in the start but I see him losing his patience with me. 5 of our friends have fallen pregnant this year. All of the on their second, third and even fourth child. Husband was shocked when I refused meeting them because I just can’t handle it. I feel like I’ve lost friendships as a result but nobody knows how tortuous it is for me to see pregnant women,

I hate myself so much for not being able to do what everyone else can. I enjoy being at work because I can pretend to be someone else but I work in social care and even my colleagues have noticed how cynical I’ve become. My body has changed beyond recognition. I used to feel like I look nice but now I hate my body. I put on weight and constantly feel sleepy. Even the thought of excersize or even a long walk frightens me.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I have no answer for you but I relate. Sometimes it’s comforting knowing that your are not alone and I hope that helps you on some level.

[Hidden]

You can prey to God ,only God can help us.nothing is in our hand.and you have to acept the fact that you lose your baby for a reason,it's not ment for you.i had one miscarriage,one failed ivf,two laparoscopy.be strong .life is a test ,we have to face our test very boldly.lots of love and Dua for you.❤️❤️❤️

[Hidden]

Hi

I could have written most of this myself.

I struggle to be happy for people and feel like an awful person because of it. It has taken me a year to arrange for FET after failed ivf.

I have got my head back in the game by starting a regular exercise routine. I know that sounds simple, and it is often the most difficult thing to do the simple thing.

I think you are allowed to feel like this and you are allowed to take time to come round after this kind of experience, don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling like this.

I do loads of things to help my mental health, counselling, reflexology, massage, walks in the countryside. In the past I have also used acupuncture, reiki and hypnotherapy, I think everything is beneficial. I know that all this costs money, but I am learning that I am the most important thing in my life and it is worth investing in me and my mental health.

Try to be kind to yourself.

[glt01]

You are doing everything you can. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I had a complete mental health breakdown a few years ago and was diagnosed with quite severe depression and anxiety. I'm now not on any meds and am what I would class as stable. There is light at the end of tunnel and it won't feel like that now but know that there is. Congratulate yourself on the little victories. So what you've been signed off work again, did you get out of bed that day? Yes because you went to the doctors, that's a victory. Set yourself a task every day, doesn't matter how little it seems to anyone else but make sure it's manageable. Speak about how your feeling, do some exercise even if it's just a walk around the neighbourhood or doing 10 squats, maybe get some colouring books, it doesn't matter if you don't finish any of the pictures. If you find yourself in a dark hole and feel like there's no where to turn, ring the Samaritans. Also I'd recommend the Mind website for advice and places to go. Good luck, it's a tough battle but you will come out of it stronger. Take time for yourself and hope you're feeling slightly more well soon, if you want to pm me thats not a problem, x

[SConnor]

Kathryn just wondering how you are doing now? I really hope all our messages helped you a little tiny bit ❤️