Feeling lost and panicked

[Dream27]

Hi,

Recently received a letter giving us a date for IVF consultation after 3 failed IUI attempts and around 6 years of ttc naturally. My partner has dropped the bombshell that he won’t go to the appointment this week unless I agree to move. I know he hates where we live but I can’t help but feel like he’s blackmailing me. I either agree to move or kiss goodbye to treatment and our relationship. I don’t know if I should postpone the appointment or hope he has a change of heart by Thursday. Every step of treatment has been a battle. 😢 Has anyone else had this happen so close to the appointment?

[Tugsgirl]

I’m sorry I can’t advise but I am gobsmacked to read that your partner is effectively blackmailing you into moving. Is he for real? Shocking xx

[Dream27 in reply to Tugsgirl]

He doesn’t see a future for us while we live where we do, so he’s said. We’ve been through some tough times, we’ve both said and done things that I’m ashamed of but I thought we had put it behind us. Or at least I certainly have. I really do not know what to do, if I leave the appointment in place and he doesn’t show up then We risk being taken off the list, if I cancel and he has a change of heart, yet again, then it’s just another delay. I’ve told him it’s emotional blackmail but he doesn’t see it. Just turns the table and says I shouldn’t expect him to have treatment if I’m not willing to move. Surely he should want to do anything in his power to help us achieve our dream of becoming parents?? Or maybe it’s just my dream. You think you know someone eh!

[MrsAdzee]

What a shame, it sounds like he is trying to manipulate an already difficult situation. Have you challenged his behaviour? I’m so sorry your going through this xx

[Dream27 in reply to MrsAdzee]

I flit between challenging him and keeping quiet until I have to bring it up just to avoid another row. It’s exhausting.

[MrsAdzee in reply to Dream27]

So sorry....I really hope he can see the error of his ways and give you the support you deserve. I wonder if he is trying to mask any fears he has about proceeding with further treatment - doesn’t excuse his behaviour but maybe explains it? I really don’t know but feel sorry you are in this predicament xxx

[Dream27 in reply to MrsAdzee]

I don’t know what to think at the minute, my head feels like it could explode. I have a wonderful, supportive family but feel so alone now. Thank you x

[Autumnmoon]

Oh dear that must be so difficult for you I hope you can manage to come to a decision between you IVF is stressful enough I hope he decides to support you through it maybe moving is something to think of in the future if he is genuinely unhappy where you are?

[Dream27 in reply to Autumnmoon]

I have said I’d consider it in the future, I also told him I don’t appreciate being held to ransom on such a life changing chance. Consider in the future isn’t a good enough answer for him right now, he wants a definite yes or no 😞

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Why don’t you want to move if he is so unhappy where you live now? He can probably foresee that if treatment is successful then you won’t ever move as many people get very settled in the place they have their kids and then don’t want to move and lose their support network/upset their child’s stability. I think the two issues are related and that’s probably why he is saying this now. It sounds like you really don’t want to move but if you’re going to share your lives and raise children then surely you need to be living somewhere that you are both ok with?

[Orla9298]

Also to consider, is the area he wants to move to in another CCG? That might mean you have to start the referral again, and finding may differ if you are funded.

Sorry you’re being put in this position xx

[Dream27]

I don’t want to move because I was attacked years ago and finally feel safe where I live. When you have years of waking in the night to check the chains are on the doors and checking everything is secure and no one has got in while you eventually got to sleep, to feel safe somewhere is such a relief. My neighbours are marvellous and my family live around us. I would have moved to the moon to keep him happy before, when something like that happens to you it changes you. I haven’t said I won’t move, I’ve told him I don’t want to move.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Dream27]

This sounds so difficult. I do feel like it needs resolving before you embark on more treatment, is it something you could both explore with some counselling? It doesn’t sound like him giving you a deadline is helpful at all, the ivf deadline isn’t helpful either. 😞 fingers crossed you guys can resolve this and not lose your place on the waiting list xx

[Dunla]

I’m sorry to hear all you’ve been through, you’ve had a difficult time of it.

I hope yourself and your partner can find a resolution and move forward happily xx

[Dream27]

My brain hurts today!! It’s like a punishment 😞 Thank you for letting me rant x