Hello
Has anyone on here considered calling it quits due to the stress of infertility? I never thought I would even consider this but has anyone else thought the same out there? Any advice to save my marriage?
Time to call it quits?: Hello Has... - Fertility Network UK
Time to call it quits?
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Apple87
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44 Replies
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Counselling. Definitely, that way you know that you can both together determine the best way forward for you both.
I am so sorry you have reached this point. Sending big hugs hugs xx
Apple87• in reply to
Thank you for your hugs xx I’ve been going to counselling for 6months now but my husband refuses so I’ve just been going myself. Xx
• in reply toApple87
Oh that must be so hard. What does he say? Xx
Apple87• in reply to
He doesn’t want to talk about it never mind to a stranger. In a way I guess it means I can talk and not hold back, but still doesn’t help with our predicament. X
• in reply toApple87
Oh I am so sorry. And does he not want to try again? X
Apple87• in reply to
He’s not keen to go down the donor sperm route and not really any other options. I guess it’s either donor or divorce. X
• in reply toApple87
Oh gosh. That's quite a really difficult decision to make isn't it. I really don't know what to say other than you will know in your heart and head what you need to do and want to do. Nobody can tell you what to do and nobody can predict the future. I really feel for you. Big big hugs xx
Apple87• in reply to
Thanks again. What ever happens it not going to be easy. Xx
• in reply toApple87
Certainly agree with you on that. Wishing you happiness xxx
I’ve just read all your comments on top of your post and I just want to say I’m sorry, it must be so hard on you. And you’ve been so brave and going to counselling was absolutely the right thing, I’m only sorry that your husband wouldn’t go with you. Whatever you decide I want to wish you well. Thinking of you xx
LegoBatgirl• in reply to
Would definitely second counselling if he consents to go, having judgement free place to talk can really help x
If only he would go. I know he won’t respond to nagging or gentle persuasion but we can’t keep going on like this. Xx
One thing I've learned from counselling is that it only works if you commit to being vulnerable and the possibility of change. Like you said you can't nag/force him. What had your counsellor suggested you do (techniques like writing down your frustrations, setting aside a fertility free day where you just have a fun date and get back to being a couple, keeping a list of all the reasons you're grateful for him and fell in love with him etc.?)
Only really done some meditation to be honest. 🙈 The main reason I started counselling was for anxiety and my fear of hospitals (I kept fainting at all my appointments). We usually just talk everything through like treatments and next steps and what he might be feeling etc and ideas to talk. X
I have anxiety and sometimes panic attacks so I know how helpful a counsellor can be. May be ask at your next session for any techniques that your counsellor can recommend (like above) x
Yeah definitely I good idea. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Thank you Xx
Fingers crossed for you x
So sorry you’re feeling like this. I’m pretty sure everyone going through IVF has moments like this, I’ve certainly had doubts and fears myself.
I can only speak from my own experience (so this isn’t official) but my partner & I have a couple of coupling strategies. Maybe one or two might be useful or spark something:
1) we agreed a plan between us...we openly discussed the number of cycles we’re willing to go through and what we’re going to do if those don’t work. We review this plan after ever attempt. Having a clear next step makes it easier for us to move forward.
2) when i’m going through treatment, my partner always books us a holiday/little break away straight after, so regardless of result we’ve both got something to look forward to and spend quality time together
3) we remind each other, a lot, that our relationship is enough and loving each other is the most important thing (sorry that sounds really cheesy but it makes us both feel good and that we’re enough as we are and not failures!)
Really wish you all the best. Ultimately it’s about finding a way to talk about it openly together. Counselling is a great way to do this, but if the idea of this makes him uncomfortable, then my gut feeling is not to force it (I’m no professional but I know how much I don’t like to be told to do something!). Maybe ask him when he’d like to talk about it, rather than spring the whole conversation about fertility treatment on him. Or perhaps ask him to write it down? Anyway. Wish you loads of luck whatever you chose to do.
You sound like a veteran! And very organised too. Thanks for your tips. We’ve only done one cycle and it was a disaster. I’ve really not pushed the counselling or talking because I was reluctant myself at first but when your desperate you will try anything. X
Think I might be becoming a veteran, about to start our 4th fresh ICSI cycle. I try to use every failed attempt as a data point. Each time we try to work out what was good & what wasn’t, then change a few things the next time.
Sorry to hear your first cycle was a disaster? What happened? Xxx
Jeezo. You are a veteran! Where do you get the energy for it all? I’m very impressed.
First cycle 9eggs were fertilised then nothing happened 🤷♀️ Now drs saying to try donor sperm. Ironically that’s what I went straight into investigating when hubby found out he had no sperm 5years ago but were told we would regret it and should try hormones first. Xx
That is so tough, I really feel for you both. Have they recommended any treatment for your partner or done any investigation into what might cause it? Feels like sometimes there are so many unknowns in fertility 😔
My partner has a very low sperm count, partly due to the epilepsy drugs he has to take. You’re probably doing all this already but he takes a supplement called Proceed Plus to boost it (you can order off Amazon). He also cuts back on alcohol a month or two before treatment (& no beer/lager as it messes with sperm production). It’s actually really helps him, improving the count by 10-20%, which is enough for ICSI.
Really wish you loads of luck xxxx
It’s difficult really, I guess only you know the answers so follow your intuition and feelings.
As for me, It was (is) hard journey on us too, we had moments of tiredness when we still tried ourselves but the moment we stepped in to ivf world my husband was totally supportive, we have talked a lot and tried to find out what else we could do to improve our chances, any appointments or additional checks were not an issue for my husband. But we were both diagnosed as unexplained infertility and here I will tell you something -when my hubby gone for checking his sperm he was visibly worried, he only told me after positive results got back to us that ‘uff I’m glad it’s all fine with me’. I was surprised by this as my attitude was no matter whose fault is this we will try all option; but he explained that he would’ve feel such a failure, not like man if it would be definitely his part of problem in this all. In this context I can only imagine how upset your hubby must be now and how touchy this all is for him. My husband is very supportive but i don’t know either how he would’ve react if the main problems would be on him.
As for our situation (by all means not easy due to other serious problems in life we are currently facing while TTC) we always saying like a mantra it could’ve been worst, we try to find happiness in other aspects of life too (all what we achieved in life together was only because we have been a team together) but of course the sadness of things not happening in family aspects for us is heavy and won’t go away instantly for now, we just need to face it too, and that is hard job really.
All the best to you. I hope you still have chances to talk about it and that is still not too late for fixing your marriage xxx
Aww thank you. Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time too. Don’t think it’s easy regardless of who has the issue. My husband doesn’t appear to want to deal with it. I also think he feels guilty about it all as well since he has the problem and I’m having to do all the invasive stuff to fix it. But it sounds like you and I have kind of the same attitude towards it all and not ruling out any options. I’m just at the end of my tether xx
Ahhh I'm not gonna lie.....never thought I'd say it but it is something that has crossed my mind lately. I'm not sure how much longer we can fund treatment or how mind hubby will take before he breaks. Not sure what the answer is but you're not alone!😘xx
Nice to know I’m not alone. Everyone puts such a brave face on with it all. Dunno how everyone manages. The funding for cycles must add to the pressure too. Xx
Hi
Im sorry you are going through this difficult time. When i was at the clinic i saw a poster for a mens forum mensfe.net
I dont know how good/useful it is. Perhaps there are others. Just thinking if your OH doesnt wish to proceed with counselling, perhaps a mens forum may be the way around it? Just thinking out loud.
When my OH and I were TTC before IVF, i didnt know that due to infertility we could have had counselling, that there were networks like these, i wish i had known about this before. I only found out about it upon seeing a poster for this site in the waiting room towards the end of my IVF. So until then you think your are alone and you dont know how to deal with your emotions because the support isnt there.
It broke my heart when i read 'donor or divorce' i really hope you guys can work things out and able to talk to each other openly (more so from his side) does he know of any another male going through IVF which he may confide in?
Good luck in whatever you decide. Lots of love. Xxx
I have sent you a private message Apple87.
I am really sorry to hear your problems. Obviously, I had the thoughts as well, but deep within my heart this would make me feel worse, because hope is what keeps us sane and going.
My hubby does not want to talk as well, je keeps all his feelings to himself and I dont know what he is going through, he does mot seem to bother sometimes. And Iin some occasions he is even angry with me when I am feeling down.
A friend of mine who was going through the same was also close to get divorced, she just kept going like this. Now she has a baby and a cracked marriage and is far from beeing happy. I know that this is not supportive, but just having a baby does not solve the problems it created.
I force my husband to talk, sometimes I even shout at him to make him truely understand what I am going through. And I made it clear that we are going through this together so I need his full comittment. He will never talk much, but after hundreds of conversations like this he is more supportive!
Give yourself a break and do something nice together. Remind yourself why you got married - clearly not because of a baby. Do something nice as a loving couple, and get back to some pre-baby wanting habits. For me this means also having sex when we dont need to.
I am so sorry that there is no recipe for this, and noone can say that this is happening without leaving traces. I hope you will find your own way to get back together!
xxx
Unfortunately blokes aren’t raised to talk about their feelings and find it difficult. This might be even more difficult if it’s a problem with him (his sperm). You might need to give him some time and find some blokes that have gone through the same thing. Give him the contact information but don’t force or nag him about it. As difficult as it is you may need to give him some time to come to terms with the fact that his future children will not be biologically his and for some that can be tough to get over.
Hi Apple87, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time in your marriage due to issues with fertility. I have been through similar but have hopefully come through it now and we are going for donor egg ivf in dec. for me I couldn’t get my head around not being able to use my eggs and it’s taken 1 ivf and 2 yrs of trying EVERYTHING naturally and 2 more miscarriages ( 4 in total) to make me come to the realisation that this is the right thing to do. As my husband explained it to me that growing our family is much more important than whether the child is genetically connected to us. When you are looking after a child 24/7 you become their parents no matter what and I have been in touch with many couples who have used donor egg or donor sperm or both and they are so thankful that this has changed their lives. I know you probably know all of this but maybe you can talk to your husband about this when the time is right to - for him what’s more important ? Would he / you consider adoption as another route to grow your family? I think even if he doesn’t want to talk to a counsellor (we did separately in the end) which was maybe better as he / I could just say whatever I wanted without worrying about what the other might think...I think you do really need to set aside some time to talk to him - even if he doesn’t say anything but give him some questions to think about and maybe he can come back to you on them, by taking or writing down his feelings etc if he can’t talk about them- I really hope this will make you stronger and you WILL come out the other side. Feel free to pm me if you like to. X
Perhaps you could write him a letter so that he can hear exactly how you feel, letting him know what you need and it won’t turn into a confrontation. It sounds like he isn’t willing or able to deal with the issues that this has brought up, and the issues around his fertility. Which is his absolute right to deal with it in the way that he wants to, it’s his prerogative, however it doesn’t seem fair on, nor help you. It sounds like you are shouldering a lot, if not all of the emotional side of this journey alone, which you shouldn’t have to do.
You mentioned his sperm, but I’m not sure about your fertility- is there a chance that you have some time on your side, whether you decide to wait for your partner or think about an alternative future?
As much as he has to deal with, which I completely feel for him, it is not fair for him to shut you out and shut down. I agree with the above comments about finding some people who have had the same thing- a support group perhaps?
I’m sorry that you’re having to face this on top of the journey of ivf x
I just read through your posts and wanted to give you a husbands point of view, as a husband who has sperm issues.
Firstly I see your 31. You shouldn't give up at all! If anything, now might be a good time to freeze your eggs , (expensive I know) so you have them for the future.
Secondly, I don't understand why you're being shunted to sperm donor after 1 cycle? I'm assuming your husband has sperm issues and you did ICSI ? If all your eggs fertilized but none developed , from 1 cycle, that wouldn't automatically suggest sperm donor.
I suffered from low count, they think its due to trauma on my testes when I was a kid through a sport injury.
I was 'lucky' that my company had private health care and the doctor said while I wasn't covered for fertility, he referred me for extensive sperm testing under the urology investigations. The did genetic testing on the sperm, looked at chromosome problems and found the sperm was good enough to make a child.
After 2 ICSI rounds my doctor suggested we use donor sperm. I remember I was angry and male pride really effected me. Then there's the guilt that you're the problem that your wife cannot be pregnant.
We went to another clinic and he said as eggs were getting fertilisation and I had been genetically 'passed' with good sperm (but low in number) so we carried on with several cycles and nothing.
It was at that point, I came round to the idea of donor sperm, it was clear to me I'd rather have a child than insist on the child having a genetic link. It took me a long time and my wife a long time to accept it. We did a few cycles with donor sperm and got nowhere.
It was then we switched to donor eggs, by that point my wife was over 40 and more than that, she was done. We had had so many cycles, we were at the point of trying this 1 cycle and moving on to adoption.
With your husband, he's probably still grieving over the diagnosis after thinking there was a chance with your 1 cycle. Men like to stick their heads in sands and find it hard to talk.
A compromise might be to investigate his sperm issues further, genetic testing of his sperm isn't very expensive , are they getting the sperm from his testicles? (which are often better quality than fresh samples with men with low count).
Our consultant says no-one should do Ivf if they are only going to do only 1 cycle, you need at least 3, some say even 6.
Don't give up, and while your husband ( excuse my language) is being an ass, like all us blokes, given time he might come round. As your only 31 you have time on your hands( assuming the only issue is the sperm) and you don't have to make any final dramatic decisions,
Best of luck
x
It’s always interesting to get a guys view. I don’t think there are many of you on here. To give you abit of background 5 years ago he announced he had no sperm after getting tests done. Timing was terrible just a couple of weeks before we got married. I looked into donor sperm but doctors insisted we did hormone treatment first, he’s been on that for over 3years now and has to come off them as they increase your risk of cancer . It’s not really helped and lucky if he gets any sperm in his samples. We had to use 3 frozen samples and 2 fresh samples to do one round of ICSI. He can’t get them surgically removed either. Only option is donor now which I wish we had just gone and done 5years ago. My husbands also older than me he’s 45 so that limits us too. I know I’m younger but I don’t feel like I have time on my hands at all especially if I end up starting over again. X
Can I ask if you have any samples left? Is there any chance of a second opinion on not getting any more sperm from TESA ?
Trust me, at 31 you have time on your hands, and I really think (if you can get the money together) that you should freeze some eggs for future use, even if you go for a child alone with sperm donor, it would be easier with your eggs now , even in 4 years your egg quality will reduce (unfortunately)
He may come round with time, but I understand from a mans point of view that he may feel there's still hope , as supplements gave him enough sperm from zero. Maybe the way forward is for him to get a second opinion on his sperm, once he faces there is no way to have a child with the woman he loves and got married to, he will come round to sperm donor. Its very hard to come to terms with that, he's the same age as me and when you get to that age, your a stubborn so and so, but its possible. You wont need his consent to go ahead and freeze your eggs and at least give you a good back up for your baby hopes if this takes a long time.
Whatever, don't give up on your hope for a child and one thing you can try is voicing that you believe this marriage is at risk of ending unless he gets on-board with marriage counselling, by placing the marriage at the center, rather than his fertility, it might snap him out of this that he's at real risk of losing you.
I do hope you work it out. x
He did a couple of samples recently but all kind of the same standard as before some samples with nothing some with 2 or 3 useable sperm. For the TESA he’s too small for that and if they were to do anything they would do more damage than good so we can’t go down that route. We have been slightly messed around as the last 2nd opinion we saw said to not go for donor and pursue the hormones with our current clinic and we would probably conceive naturally? That was a private clinic I went to to look into donor IUI. That was probably about 4 years ago now. I had never thought of freezing but I don’t think I could go thought anything invasive again (I’m extremely squeamish) I faint at every appointment. Counselling has helped but during icsi fainting every other day on top of the whole process really took its toll. X
I'm sorry to hear that.
Time can help, I really do think he needs time to come to terms with this, and it sounds like you need time out after your tough cycle, but that's not to say to let him off the hook - if he doesn't want donor, does he want to adopt? Is this it, that you both will remain childless? There will come a point where he can't keep his head in the sand. Its not fair to you, but I do understand where he's coming from, please don't give up.
You have got space because you're still young, and you have plenty of options, you can donate your eggs and a get a free cycle, adoption, fostering, 'embryo adoption' - where an donor embryo is implanted. Perhaps with some more time of a few months, you can present these options and insist he supports you for the sake of your marriage.
I really hope he works out his problems x
I thought it and did it, we started treatment 3 years ago and stopped. We had far too much external stress and factors we had to face before we could continue. It was heartbreaking and we took a total break. But all in all, I could never leave it totally, we want it too much.
I am sorry to hear what an impact this is all making and to your marriage too. Does your partner talk to you much about it? I know mine bottles it up, and that made things hard. Recently he has started to open up and started his own blog to help get his feelings out too.
I would echo others on teh counselling, we did this and it was a huge support.
Wishing you all the best, it such trying times xx
Well fertility friends I thought it was worth giving you an update. Hubby has finally agreed to see a counsellor about going down the donor route. Tiny steps in the right direction.
• in reply toApple87
That's great news. Hope things go well. Xxx
Apple87• in reply to
Thank you. Apparently it went ok but don’t like to ask too many questions. Xx
Really pleased to hear that you are getting there, good luck!xx
Thank you. Getting there slowly but surely. He said it went ok but like to question him too much. Xx
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