Feeling alone

[SJW84]

Hi all I am new to the page only found it this evening. So I have been trying to start a family since 2011 with no success. I had polycystic ovaries which have corrected themselves within the last 18 months but still having problems 😢 I am 34 and every month that ticks by feels like my chances of ever having a baby are being taken away from me. I am under the hospital and have been since 2013 and they can’t find anything wrong. I have recently been told by the Consultant that I no longer qualify for IVF as my partner already has a child from a previous relationship. I have never felt so sad and lonely in all my life. Any tips and guidance around emotional support would be greatly appreciated x

[LegoBatgirl]

Hi welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much and I know the post code lottery and sometimes blatantly unfair IVF funding methods can really suck.

Is there any chance you could save up to fund IVF privately? Some clinics offer a money back guarantee. I've never tried one myself but someone on the forum might be able to help.

This forum has been a real life saver for me and I hope you know that people here will be more than happy to help you, you're not alone x

[Tugsgirl in reply to LegoBatgirl]

I second this suggestion or perhaps think about getting treatment abroad where it’s much cheaper for a cycle. Good luck in your journey xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Tugsgirl]

I third it but wonder if you could try iui rather than ivf at first? It’s cheaper and it’s only for women over 35 that going straight to ivf before trying iui is usually recommended.

[Lynnr54]

Hi, sorry to hear of your struggles. You’re definitely in the right place. As LegoBatgirl says there are some good money back programmes out there. It is expensive but if unsuccessful then at least it isn’t a complete waste of money. Also, I haven’t looked into it personally but I understand treatment abroad can be cheaper than treatment in the UK.

As for your age, your chances do start to decline after 35 but there are plenty of success stories of older ladies having successful treatment so you have some time to start saving. I was 35 when I had my successful treatment round, my sister was 36 and I know of other ladies at least 38 when they have been successful so please don’t give up hope.

The other thing you can do is to ask your clinic to see a counsellor. They should have one and be happy to refer you and I know it helps a lot of ladies to be able to talk through how they’re feeling with someone who understands.

[LegoBatgirl in reply to Lynnr54]

I definitely second the idea of seeing a counsellor it has really helped me x

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to LegoBatgirl]

I was 39 when my ivf succeeded and I’ll be 40 when I give birth. I was so stressed about turning 35 but here I am about to be a mum at last, 5years later!

[SJW84 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Do you mind me asking how long you had been trying before turning to IVF? x

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to SJW84]

Started trying at 36, went to dr after 6 months and started the investigation process then. My rather complicated journey is in my previous posts x

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

(I had wanted kids forever, the desire got really strong from 28 onwards but I did not meet my partner until 33 and he didn’t want to try straight away- he’s 4 1/2 years younger than me).

[SJW84 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Looks like you’ve had a bit of a rough time of it Lizzie! How did you keep yourself going? That’s the bit I am most struggling with at the minute, having been pulled about, prodded and poked and then there’s the emotional side! My marriage broke down in 2015 because of the stress. My new partner is so supportive we have been together for over 2 years now - we both want a child together - he has one from a previous relationship x

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to SJW84]

After two failed ivfs and a natural miscarriage, I accessed the counselling service that my work provides and that was helpful. It focused on enhancing the coping strategies I already had so that I could carry on. I was also lucky that my hubbie earns enough that I was able to step down from my leadership position at work and go part time. I used my days off to keep on top of housework etc so weekends were free for me and hubbie but also scheduled most appointments on days off so that made it easier, and had acupuncture which helped with the physical aspects of stress. I’m very open as well so everyone in my life knows about the struggles we have had and I personally think that is good for mental health although I know it’s not for everyone x

[Jmaw]

Oh my goodness, seven plus years is a long time my love. Maybe you could look into other options like adoption which is guaranteed. I had secondary infertility after my second child and there’s 25 years between my two children so obviously we wanted a sibling for our 4 year old. Three rounds of IVF and thousands spent no child at the end! So we are starting the process of adoption in. November. Anything you want to know about children you can private message me if you want or reply on here 💕

[SJW84]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have another appointment with the consultant on 19th October I am guessing this may be my last appointment if they are not offering any help on the NHS! I have been thinking about alternatives e.g. adoption but I really don’t know how I feel about it all ☹️ I would love the chance to feel pregnancy for myself. Has anyone looked into surrogacy? May sound silly but I feel that if I went down the route of surrogacy at least the baby would still genetically ours. Having been trying for so long I just feel mentally exhausted and confused about everything at the moment. I just feel like I am watching my biological clock tick down. I also don’t know if I am mentally prepared for IVF 😔 x