What if...

[AmyA19]

Hi, I just don't know what to do. My husband and I have just come back from a short break where we decided to put IVF on hold for a while. Try and have fun and live our lives and relax and see what happens. After our last round failed I said we should try again maybe in August when I'm off work and before my 35th birthday. However we both realise we're not physically ready yet, we've had some lovely nights out and a few drinks here and there. I felt quite good about our decision but have come back to the news my bf is pregnant with her 2nd...the 2nd in all the time we've been trying and we've got nothing to show for it. It is such a slap in the face. We are the only childless couple left in our circles of friends, I can't go on fb or Insta without a baby bump pic or new baby announcement or invite to a gender reveal!!! I used to love all of that. Now I find myself ostracising myself from my friends because I don't fit in anymore. I'm also in a sort of limbo in the infertility world because we were basically told at that last appointment to try once more then look at other options. Which makes me doubt whether ivf will ever work but I'm not sure i want to consider those other options yet. What if this never happens for us? What if we've made the wrong decision and should try with a donor egg? What if we run out of time. The what ifs are overwhelming me and after I was starting to feel so positive. Sorry for the long post just felt I should write it all down xxx

[Laceygirl]

The what ifs are terrifying, but it is always (in my opinion) better to regret what you do, than what you don’t do. You cannot go back in time and do something you chose not to do. At least then you know you will have done everything you could to make it happen and you cannot ask more of yourself than that. I know how you feel when everyone else is popping them out like smarties and their baby friend groups are getting closer and unwittingly squeezing you out. I’m sure it’s not malicious at all- tho hard to stomach never the less. While you may not feel it, 35 is still young and you have plenty of time on your side. Please try not to let what is going on in other people’s lives affect your decisions, stay true to what you and hubby want- that’s the most important thing in all this. Wishing you both much love, luck and positivity and of course baby dust xxxxxx

[AmyA19 in reply to Laceygirl]

Thank you so much for your reply. You've hit the nail on the head there because I am guilty of comparing my life to everyone else's all the time. Don't get me wrong my friends have been nothing but supportive but our lives follow very different paths now and that's what's difficult

But yes I shall try and keep positive and stick to our plan. Thank you for taking the time to reply ☺ xxx

[Billywhizz10]

It was the same for us, all our old school friends, family, even the neighbours were popping out kids and there were awkward questions why we weren't starting a family, that on top of going through IVF and it not working. We both found ourselves withdrawing from close friends who were having children. Its a horrible situation, but I would say at your age, you have an excellent chance to have a baby, 1 way or another it will happen if you don't give up, hold onto that.

Have a game plan and stick to it. For us it was a certain amount of goes on IVF with my wife's own eggs, then moving onto donor eggs, and if that didn't work we would adopt. We even started to go to adoption open days at our local council while we were still on 1 st cycle ( although they made it clear we couldn't apply until we stopped the IVF )

In the end we moved onto donor egg and so far its worked on our 1st go,she's 25 weeks now and all those dark days are just instantly forgotten. Also its worth remembering your real friends aren't judging you. Insensitive comments usually come from people who have no idea what you're going through. We have neighbours who now see my wife's bump and they joke and say, 'Ah, finally decided to put your partying days behind you!' and other stupid comments, like having a baby was just simply deciding to do it.

Expecting our first child, we now see a lot of the nasty comments aren't actually nasty, people just assume having a child is as easy as ABC and their comments are through ignorance - they haven't a clue what you've been through or how traumatic fertility problems are.

Don't give hope and keep going, you'll get there! x

[AmyA19 in reply to Billywhizz10]

Thank you for replying and huge congratulations to you both! What you've said makes a lot of sense and I do need to stick to our plan. Thanks again. ☺

[silvanti_78 in reply to Billywhizz10]

This is such a lovely written comment .

[Hidden]

I find Instagram so depressing - thankfully I never had Facebook but if I did I would have serious anxiety. Would you uninstall these apps from you phone to help? And just take a break from them?

I uninstalled Instagram and felt so much better - less information overdose is better for me. If you don't want to uninstall it can you mute the 'baby' crowd for a while?

When I compare my life to other people I feel depressed and loose sight of the amazing positive things in my life.

I hope that you can think of a way forward either trying naturally on fertility meds or powering through with the IVF - whatever feels right for you.

I hope you get you BFP soon.

xxx

[AmyA19 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do think I need a break from them. I need to stop comparing myself with others and it's so much harder to do that when I'm bombarded with everyone else's happiness. I need to focus on our plan. Thank you for taking the time it means a lot. ☺

[Hidden in reply to AmyA19]

I feel your pain - I go through phases of not caring and other days it gets me down.

Just rant and get it all out

Xxx

[AmyA19 in reply to Hidden]

A rant does make you feel better! 😂

[Claire_2018]

Hi amt17

I feel exactly the same as you! I’m also 35 saying the same what ifs to myself. Lacey girl is right in that you have to try and forget about the past and try as hard as it is to look to the future and hope everything will work out ok for you in the end.

Totally agree deleting Instagram. I did this and it made me so much happier not seeing all the baby pics. You need to protect yourself and be selfish for a while (that’s what I’m doing) even though that’s not me at all.

I failed my first round in may and starting my next cycle soon. I’ve had a little break between cycles just to give us a chance to take a break and get some normality back in to our lives. Glad you have done this as well as it’s such a hard time. Good luck with everything Claire x

[AmyA19 in reply to Claire_2018]

Thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry you've had a tough time of it too. This is all horrendous. But yes I need some normality and to focus on us and not everyone else. Good luck to you too. Hope everything works out in the end. ☺