“So how are you?” What do you answer?

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi all, this is a question literally everyone will have faced on our journeys thus far. For the last year and a half I’ve dreaded this question. It’s comes at you from all different people some of whom you can tell the truth but most don’t want to know how much despair and sadness is in your life right now or you don’t want to share it with them. I hate lying through my teeth with an “I’m ok” and quick change of subject.

Sometimes I think I want the world to know my pain and for infertility/sub fertility/miscarriage to be more widely spoken about so we didn’t feel so alone. But I always chicken out and keep my sadness to myself. Obviously my OH, family and best friends know the deep truth.

I bet you guys have some cracking stories and suggestions with how to respond to this standard pleasantry, I’d love to hear some!! X

[2-shades-of-hope]

I really relate to this. Even if the person knows our situation I’ll say something like oh it’s difficult but it’s ok, everyone has challenges in life and we just have to get on with it. And then afterwards I always regret how much I’ve downplayed it!

[JMNE]

When people ask outright "Are you going to have one soon?" "When's the next one on the cards for you?" I want to scream!! They mean no harm of course but I will never ever ask anyone those questions knowing how they make me feel. I always just say "hopefully" and move on.

[Montgomery2]

Oh my! I can totally relate to this. After my freeze all people are expecting me to know if I’m preganant or not... and I’ve been just saying I need to wait for my body to do what it’s supposed to! And they ask every couple of days because they care but it’s hard to explain it every few days again and again x

[JMNE]

It is so hard. I haven't told anyone the last 3 rounds. It's hard keeping it a secret, especially on the days you're struggling but I find the pressure of everyone knowing and waiting for a positive result even more difficult to handle. I have told my parents that we will be trying but we're not telling them when, which I know will be difficult for them... I can't cope with breaking their heart every time it doesn't work though. So secrets all round for me!x

[Shirazlover2013]

You know I hadn’t even thought about the other scenarios when this simple question is so tricky!

JMNE - I’ve said hopefully one day so many times in response too!! One of my go to’s 😜

Going forward for others I think I’ll always ask more specific questions relating to other parts of their lives rather than the generic “how are you” so the conversation can naturally steer towards safe harbour. When people have news to share they will on their own accord.

[JMNE in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Yes!! Also happens soon as you’re not having a drink at some social event, you get the looks and the “oooh”s. Look, if I am pregnant, I’m clearly not at the stage where I’m telling people so why would you bring it to attention!!!!

I agree with you and think it’s something that we’re all probably guilty of. Everyone has their own struggles and me asking a question innocently could be killing them inside just like any pregnancy questions do us.

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to JMNE]

Gosh yes I hate the drinking vs not drinking conclusions!! Now I mix it up and drink on some occasions and not on others so it doesn’t become a giveaway. Or I’ll not drink for most of the occasion then have one later on just to muck with them hee hee!

[JMNE in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Haha! The things we have to do!!