Fertility Network UK
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not coping so well..looking for hope

my hope has gone..my fabulously strong dh believes we will still be parents which breaks my heart. it just feels so so cruel to have finally got pregnant after 5 tries and to see and hear our baby twice to then be told at 12 week scan there was no heartbeat. I am in limbo now till surgery on Tuesday and I don't want to let our baby go😢😢where do I/we go from here?? is there queations i should ask on tuesday? tests on the baby to give answers? what now for my body?? I am 40 and feel such a failure. I want to find my hope again but fear this may be the end for us..we have a frostie left but quality is worst of our 3..is that our baby?can I do this again?has anyone got advice, stories of hope?I would be lost without the help on here...you have all been amazing and I will never forget your kindness. .much love to you all...it is such a cruel cruel world 😢😢😢xxxxx

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I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, I’m so glad your hubby is managing to be strong for both of you. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling, it is such a cruel world, you are strong too though, to have got this far, and you will get through this somehow.

Please don’t lose hope, we always hear of Frosties that were very poor quality and even told that they were unlikely to work, and they become someone’s miracle. And yours must be at least a certain quality as otherwise they wouldn’t have frozen it. I’m sure it will take time before you’re ready but we will all be rooting for you when you transfer that little frostie xxx

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thanks hun😢😢also wow on the 6 eggs xxxx

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Hi Vic, I know its such a crappy time for you right now & its so bloody unfair you have been through so much & yet your still without your much wanted baby. I'm sure after Tuesday you will slowly but surely gain the strength to fight on if that's indeed what you decide you want. I've struggled to concieve but have done twice only for it to end in miscarriage both times. I'm 41 & decided I had to try IVF. It's worked first time but I'm scared stiff its going to go wrong. If it does I'll have to fight on because I want it so badly. Your not a failure at all, your a bloody warrior who has fought so hard for what you want. I know this process gets harder with age but its not impossible. Sending you my best wishes for the future x

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thank you for your kind words and wow congrats on first time too...you are amazing xxx

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You too are amazing Vic, please don't ever doubt that. You will find hope & strength again, I'm certain of it x

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Hi, I'm really sorry that this is happening! I just wanted to send you my love and hugs xx

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thank you xxx

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I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having to go through this Vic. It's just horrible. I havent been in your situation but would say try not to think ahead too much at the mo...deal with one day at a time & lean on your DH whilst he's able to be strong...It's a very real grief you're having to deal with...I would be a complete mess. Please don't lose hope though as there are many stories of not so great quality embryos resulting in babies...that remaining frostie may well be the one! Big hugs xxxx

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Hi Vic77, so sad to hear your terrible news. It is indeed a very cruel world.

We had a natural pregnancy before IVF and that sadly ended at my 8wk scan and showed no heat beat and that baby had stopped growing at 8+2. I was in a terrible state and so sad, I’m not a crier but just could not control myself And cried for days. I chose surgical management and dreaded it as also I just wanted my baby to stay with me, but it went smoothly and felt a bit like an outer body experience. I wanted to know everything the who how where what happened and asked loads of questions but to be honest there were no answers, looking back it helped to ask them all to clear my mind but nothing changed the fact that our baby was not to be. So go ahead and ask everything - ask them why and can you do anything differently ( I was convinced it was the gaviscon I’d taken the week before-crazy). Do what every you need. And take hope from your DH, my DH is amazing and is also convinced that our time will come (despite 4 failed ICIS and me 38 him 41). I hate his optimism sometimes but it keeps me going and reminds me that someone does not thing I’m a failure. I hope you can do the same.

Every time you start a new cycle you are being so brave to even take the first step. I just want to give up after every failure but some how you find the strength to keep going.

Sending you lots of love Vic77 to you and your DH and a huge hug 💕

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thank you so so much. .sending you lots of love too xxxxx

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I had one but I was lucky in the sense it was early at 4 and a half weeks so I didn’t have the joy of seeing our baby.

It was still pretty horrific; to see the positive test we’ve always dreamed of having and have it taken away was devastating.

It is very early days ; don’t expect too much from yourself it will take time. A day at a time and it will eventually get bearable. You don’t forget but you learn to live with it.

I still have days where I still feel hurt by our loss this is 9 months on; I recently had to declare it at my endo specialist appointment last week and I cried later that evening.

You will find the strength to carry on because you both want it so much. Your hubby sounds like very much like mine; his answer was “ we done it once we will do it again and this time it’ll be ok” and like you at the time I found it hard to have any hope I felt shattered by it. I felt every emotion; shocked, numb, empty, heartbroken and very angry.But time is a wonderful healer.

For me I chosen to take some comfort from the fact we managed to conceive; after 6 years of not managing to it is still huge progress!

Hold each other tight together you will get through this ❤️❤️❤️ xoxo

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thank you so so much 💜💜💜💜xxx

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So sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs and hope.x

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Thank you xxx

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I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Life is so cruel sometimes. But remember how strong you are and this will happen for you both. My ‘worst’ embryo which was the last to be transferred (3bc) resulted in my little girl. I don’t think you can always rely on grading.

I’m thinking of you and will be on Tuesday. Look after yourself sweetie xxxxx

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Thank you and stories like yours help..I think ours was a 1bb so not great but at least it’s there and hopefully in time I will get behind it xxx

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Every day I’m thinking of you. I wish there was more I could do or say to make you feel better but I can’t. Only time can do that. You will find the strength even though you think the well has run dry. I know you’ll go into your next fet in time and give it every possible chance, just like you have done with all the others, because you’re brave and stronger than you think and because you still want this so badly. All I can do is hope for you that you get your dream sooner rather than later, because you reallly deserve it. Keep fighting Vic xx 💪🏻

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You have been amazing...thanks for everything ❤️❤️❤️❤️Xxxxx

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Can understand and feel your pain to an extent. It is so cruel and u def don’t deserve this. It will still b so raw at the mo so try take one step at a time a. Can imagine at this stage it would feel so unhopeful but maybe with time u may feel differently. It important to process and grieve at mo. I didn’t think I would ever feel positive or stop crying but bit by bit I did and think was just being with that at that time. Sure there are lots of success stories after such tragedy as yours. Hopefully this is a good step forward in some ways. So sorry uve had to go through this😔 I so hope u get ur little one, one day. U take time u need to get through this. All will continue to be here xx

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It hurts for so many on here..so so cruel...my worry among many is my age which means I have less time for everything...I had all my dreams come true to now feel like an old, fa, broken has been 😭😭everyone here has been amazing xxxx thank you xxx

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It is so so cruel indeed. Bless u Hun wish what cud say or do cud make a diff n I cud say that all be ok. It so not fair but so hope it does change and u do get what u deserve. Age def a factor but def not to say it cannot still happen. Big hugs for u. One bit at time. Take good care xxx

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Take your time with everything that is happening just now, it takes some time to process as it’s such a massive deal lovely. Your frostie is something positive to focus on - when your ready and not before! Unfortunately we had no Frosties and I’m on my second 2ww. We are all warriors and we deal with the grief in our own ways to make it bearable. Much love to you 💕 xx

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Thank you...good luck with 2ww xxx

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Keep fighting Vic, I know so we’ll the rawness of the grief and despair you’re feeling right now!! I found the wait b’ween finding out & surgical m’gmnt so tough!! 💔 but one minute at a time, one day at a time - don’t think any further than that at the moment!! After Tue you will slowly start to find your strength again!! xxx

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Thanks Hun..hope you doing ok, xxx

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Dear Vic my heart bleeds for you :( it’s the most shocking terrible pain and I’ve been there many times before. Please do not lose hope!! You will have your baby and it’s amazing you have your frostie ❤️ I know many who are down to the last one with lower quality and it works out great. You need time to feel mad and sad but I promise your strength will grow more than you ever thought possible!! My first d&c was on the Nhs so they didn’t test it so I don’t really know what happened there :( my second one Was tested abnormal. My friend is 43 and had 4 miscarriages and then had a healthy baby boy so don’t ever feel it can’t happen. Unfortunately miscarriages are all to common and doesn’t mean you can’t go on to have a healthy bubba...i’m Surrounded by miracle wonderful stories which is why I keep persevering. Sending lots of love and best wishes xxxx

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My heart goes out to you my love such a tough ordeal you are going through and sadly no magic to make it all better but just maybe that little frostie waiting for a chance will be your dream come true though of course you need the time to grieve your loss sending love and best wishes for a happier future x

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Hey Vic, been thinking of you both loads. Obviously I can't give advice. I'm sure the hospital will guide you on any tests that they can do at this time. You can perhaps give consent to have pathology/histology after your surgery if this is something you'd like to consider. However this may still not provide you with answer to why the lost occurred.

It's early days looking forward and once you get past Tuesday and have some time to heal you can move forward. Our NHS embryologist told us that where there is an embryo there is always hope and that rading is just that and they don't know which embryos will develop into successful pregnancies. In his time he has seen some really poorly graded embryos be successful pregnancies.

We had 1 fully hatched blastocyst and one hatching transferred on our last go and our consultant was sure we'd have success but still nothing. Yet I've seen lots of ladies with lesser quality embryos get their dream baby. In my head its just one massive lottery! I think you just have to take it one day at a time and when you feel a bit stronger you can both decide together whether or not to try again! I'll be thinking of you both on Tuesday. Lots of love to you and hubby!xxxx

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Thank Hun xxx

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Hi Vic. I feel really sad for you and your husband and am thinking about you both. Will be thinking and praying for you on Tuesday when you have surgery. Rest plenty after it. You will get through this. Please don't give up. You are NOT a failure, nor is your body. I questioned myself over and over the reasons behind each of my losses and even blamed myself until I came to realise there was nothing I could have done to avoid losing. It was beyond my control. Grieve for your baby. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to a nice beauty treatment, go out somewhere for the day when you feel up to it, maybe even go with hubby on a little break away if you can. This is not the end. Irrespective of the supposed quality of your remaining frostie, miracles can happen. It could very well be the longed for child for you and your husband. There is always hope even though right now it seems there is none. It is great to hear of yout hubby's positivity and support. Keep believing. Take care. Sending you a huge hug. I know how awful it is to lose,the disappointment etc. Lean on the shoulders of those around you who care and want to help you right now. We are all here for you too on this forum. You are NEVER alone. Xo

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Your words are so so true and kind...thank you xxx

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Aw Vic, I haven’t been on here for a week or so and so missed your heart breaking news😔.

I am so sorry this has happened.

I hope that Tuesday goes as well as it can.

I’ll be thinking about you xx

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Awwwww my love, this really breaks my heart, the joy I felt for you when you got that bfp was so immense I was over the moon for you, the heartbreaking news you've had has knocked me for 6, it deeply saddens me for what you and so many others go through, I really wish there was something I could do to make it all better stop this awful journey for so many people, iv thought about you every day hun and just want to give you a huge squeeze.

Your not a failure there's nothing you could have done to stop this in any way, it's just not in our hands, which makes it even more hard to come to terms with, we will never understand why this 💩 happens to people so deserving, but you will come back fighting when your ready fighting like you've been fighting for so long, this time you made progress your first ever bfp that's something amazing to hold on to, it won't feel like it now but it is, I pray that next time you will get your bfp and you will have your baby, I know you can't think straight right now and you won't be able to for a while, but do know you will come through this and you have us all on here backing you, your one of the strongest ladies on here in my eyes everyone's strong but there's 4 of the strongest on here and your one of them.

I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday and ask them all the questions you need too you won't remember when your there so when you think of something write it down and take your notes with you when you go.

My heart truly goes out to you both and I really wish I could take your pain away, sending you so much love and hugs, please don't forget we're all here for you my love

😢. 💝💝😘

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As somebody once said to me, I will hope for you when you have no hope left. Believe that your hope will come back because it will. In the meantime, nurture yourself, you need your strength to get through the next few days. But you will get through this Vic - you’re stronger than you think and when you’re ready, we’ll be here to support you with your next steps towards the family that your dh, quite rightly says, will happen one day. Sending you love and support xxxxx

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thank you so so much your words make me emotional in a good way..love to you too you remarkable woman xxx

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I really am sad that you are having to go through this. I don't have success story for you yet. We have one frostie left not as good quality as the previous two so hoping and praying that this will be the one. I'll be hoping and praying your last frostie is the one for you too. ❤️❤️ Xxx

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Hi vic will be thinking of you on tue. 1 day at a time i guess thats all u can do xxx

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Oh I am so sorry for all you have gone through, life is so unfair. your wee frostie offers you hope when you are ready . Hope is sometimes just what you need to get you through so just hold on to that xxx

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