A lesson in trusting my instinct

[Pookymama]

So, it would seem that the nagging feeling I should put off this round of ivf was for a reason...

Went to the doctors with a painful breast. Turns out I have a suspicious lump and I've been referred to, and I quote "the emergency cancer unit" to be checked out but I'm not to panic, though I should maybe postpone ivf further in order to not have "another burden to deal with".

I'm hoping that as it's painful it's just a cyst or something though but I can't seem to help feeling a bit, well, weepy.

Sorry for the whinge, I feel I'm usually quite resilient but ive felt a bit down for the last couple of days.

I sat in a cafe with my mum and dh yesterday, my af had come full force, the news from the doc was sinking in and I couldnt help but watch a young woman sat on the next table feeding her baby and I allowed the sadness to wash over me instead of pushing it away like usual.

Then we've just had a text from friends of ours who married in the summer and intended to start ttc as she has suspected fertility issues and is in her late 30s. They weren't sure how to tell us this but they're 3 months pregnant...

Now to face my dh's fertile family for an NYE party who can be deeply insensitive and see the new year in with them and their children seems more than I can bear, but I have to, so sorry all but I had to have a weepy blurt in order to face tonight and I'm afraid you were the lucky recipients of my sekf-pity.

I do recognise I have many blessings in life and promise to try and focus on them and be my more positive self again soon though!

Thank you for allowing me to release my blurb on your pages.

To everyone that's going through this difficult path, I wish that peace and happiness find you, and that your dreams are fulfilled as we move forward onto a hopefully bright 2018.

Big hugs and love xxxxx

[Tugsgirl]

Wishing you so much luck on all fronts for the new year. Thinking of you xx

[Pookymama in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you beaut, thinking of you too and wishing you massive luck for 2018 xxx

[Tugsgirl in reply to Pookymama]

Ps just wanted to offer you some reassurance; my Mum found a lump in her breast many years ago now. It was removed and it turned out to be benign xx

[Pookymama in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you Tugsgirl,

it is really reassuring to hear so many positive outcomes.

How're you feeling on the first day of the new year? Xx

[Tugsgirl in reply to Pookymama]

I’m ok. Neither feeling really positive or really negative xx

[Hidden]

Hello beautiful. I’m so sorry that you have had all this to deal with; it sounds like you’ve been hit by a lot in a short space of time. It sounds like it has all understandably side swiped you.

If you feel unable to spend time with people who are not going to build you up, then give yourself permission not to go, you know it’s just another night, overhyped and overrated!! Tomorrow is another Monday in a long line of Monday’s! Whatever you decide, I hope that you have fun 🎉🥃🎊

I sincerely hope that your appointment with the unit goes well, you’ll be in my thoughts. I hope that you feel brighter soon, best wishes 😘😘😘😘

[Pookymama in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your lovely message Dolly, it really helps when someone understands.

How're you? Do you have anything planned for tonight?

I've just spoken to my dh about how I feel and he suggested we head to the party for 7 instead of between 5-6 so that's slightly less time I have to be there...

I don't feel I can bow out as we have my stepson who doesn't know anything about any of this and I don't want to let him down.

I've allowed myself to slip off upstairs for some quiet time right now though which will hopefully help.

Thank you for the well wishes lovely, I wish you all the very best for the New Year xxx

[Hidden in reply to Pookymama]

I’m good my darling, my OH and I are heading out with my family to somewhere I have no idea! I’m going to make myself up and look pretty nonetheless!! 😂

A bit of time out and an understanding partner can go a long way! Ahh in laws, some are true gems aren’t they?!

Try and have in the back of your mind that the in laws lives aren’t ‘perfect’, even the ones that perceive them to be; they still fart, pick their nose 👃🏻 I don’t see eye to eye with my in laws either but I do what I want with them, on my own terms (& for my husband) it’s taken 10 years tho to figure that out!! And what a lovely step-mummy you are considering your stepson feelings, thoughtful and considerate 💕💕

Power dress, shave your legs, put on your best make up and perfume (not in that order 😂), it always helps to feel better to have a bit of self care 😘😘 Best wishes chica xxx

[Hidden]

If going out is going to make you upset, then don’t go. New Years parties always used to upset me, so one year I decided not to go, and I have never felt better! Now I spend time with people who I want to spend time with, or not, and I am so much happier! Look after yourself, you are the most important person.

[Pookymama in reply to Hidden]

I really wish I could just say I'm not going, and it's what I'd advise someone else but I don't want to let my stepson down by not going as he doesn't know about any of this, and my partner would be gutted if I didn't go...

... there's a new years resolution right there - stop people pleasing and please myself! 😂xx

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you've got this to contend with as well. I'm not sure if this will help at all, but a close friend of mine went through the exact same thing with a painful lump just over a month ago, emergency referral etc. They confirmed it was just a cyst caused by hormonal changes. The speed at which they referred her meant she had the reassurance quickly. I hope the same happens for you and that you can feel better about your next round very soon.

As for this evening, I'm sorry you're set for an evening of insensitive comments and seemingly perfect families in your face. Hopefully by expecting the worst it won't be that bad. We're all here for you to vent to. Perhaps we should all amuse ourselves tomorrow by sharing the most ridiculous comments we've had to face over this period?!

Wishing you health and happiness for 2018 xxx

[Pookymama in reply to Hidden]

Jacqui, you're amazing-fab idea on the sharing ridiculous comments tomorrow, I'll look forward to that, and no doubt there'll be some pearlers! 😂.

Aw, I'm so glad your friend was ok after her scare! It is heartening to hear such stories and reassuring they check things out so quickly. Hopefully mine is the same!

Do you have anything planned for tonight? Hope you have a good one and that 2018 brings all you wish for. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Pookymama]

We're at friends tonight, with apparent plans to play beer pong 😓 I wouldn't have been drinking anyway, but attempting to hide a very early pregnancy will be just as difficult, though undoubtedly the better of the two difficults. Xxx

[E_05]

No wonder your feeling so low, you’ve had a lot thrown at you so never apologise for letting it all out here!

I understand why you don’t want to go the NYE’s party it’s so hard when family don’t ‘get it’, if you don’t feel like you can cancel maybe you could go a bit later so your not there quite as long.

Wishing you lots of luck for your appt and all the new year brings xx

[Pookymama in reply to E_05]

Thank you for being so understanding lovely!

Just talking on here is already bolstering me, you girls are amazing!

Yeah, we're just going a wee bit later now and I'll be armed with my mother who's coming along too 😂.

Massive luck and love to you for 2018 too xx

[E_05 in reply to Pookymama]

Were all here to support each other! Ah that’s good, glad you’ve got a plan and hope the evening goes well.

Thank you xx

[AllWeNeedIsluv]

Awwww lovely. I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles, such a worrying time for you. I'm trusting the lump is a cyst I really hope so hun. Your allowed to feel the way you are don't apologize and try that new year resolution out. Don't try pleasing everyone all the time, you need to keep yourself protected at times also.

I'm hoping this year brings you good news and that you have this referral and lump sorted ASAP. Keep strong hun and try enjoy tonight. Thinking of you lovely. Take care 💗🤗😘

[Pookymama in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv]

How're you doing hun?

Thank you for your lovely message!

I really should try out the new years resolution as living life by "shoulds" and "oughts" really isn't healthy or peace provoking is it!

I'm feeling a bit more positive about the referral thing after having a whinge snd some lovely support on here so thank you hun.

I hope your 2018 brings all you hope for. Xxx

[AllWeNeedIsluv in reply to Pookymama]

Bless ya glad your feeling positive hun. Keep us updated. I'm ok hun thanks nausea kicking in now. Take care lovely 💗🤗😘

[Pookymama in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv]

Aw hun, the dreaded nausea has arrived then. Be gentle with yourself lovely and take lots of self care time if you can. Xx

[AllWeNeedIsluv in reply to Pookymama]

I'm not complaining feeling more positive as the days go by.

You make sure you take care of you hun you know you can vent on here whenever. Big hugs hun💗🤗😘

[Pookymama in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv]

Thank you lovely. Big hugs to you and wishes for a smooth journey forward xxx

[AllWeNeedIsluv in reply to Pookymama]

Thanks hun and to you too xxx

[sanchia46]

So much on your shoulders. Don’t be so hard on yourself. The lump in your breast is priority. Hope it turns out to be nothing

[Pookymama in reply to sanchia46]

Thank you Sanchia. Hopefully it'll be fine.

Hope you have a wonderful new year. Xx

[WeeMrsH]

Oh my honey this is a lot to handle. You have every right to feel overwhelmed and weepy. I’m also sorry you’ve got this get-together to get through tonight! Maybe you can come up with a code word with hubby if you need a get-out to leave early?

Sending lots of love and I’m sure your scare is just that - a scare - and you’ll be just fine.

Massive hugs ❤️ xxx

[Pookymama in reply to WeeMrsH]

Thank you lovely, think it just hit me a bit when it started to sink in, that's all.

We have my dh's little boy tonight and he'll want to stay and play with his little cousins right til the end so I'm afraid leaving early would be doubtful... might have to solve this one with prosecco I'm afraid! 😂.

And yeah, hopefully it's just a scare hun. Massive thanks for the well wishes.

I hope the new year brings all you dream of. Xxx

[WeeMrsH in reply to Pookymama]

Prosecco... absolutely!! 🥂😃Hope you manage to enjoy some of the night. Take care of yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself xx

[Pookymama in reply to WeeMrsH]

You take care too! Hope you enjoy your night.

Happy New Year chicka xx

[Fredaflintstone]

Sorry you’re having a hard time. Hopefully the lump will be a cyst as you say and you can start looking forward to when you feel ready to try again. I hope 2018 brings you happiness xx

[Pookymama in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you Freda, I actually feel a lot more positive today and more myself.

I hope 2018 bring you all you wish for. Xx

[TTCs]

Ah u poor thing. What a traumatic ending to the year! Hopefully the lump is nothing to worry about and you will be seen to quickly! I had a breast lump a few years ago and its hard not to panic. Mine turned out just to be a breast mouse (cant remember the technical term). Here's hoping yours is something similar. 😘 xx

[Pookymama in reply to TTCs]

Thank you hun,

I'm feeling much more positive today and really hoping it's nothing to worry about.

Think everything just hit me yesterday and I needed to let it out, ya know.

I'm glad your lump turned out ok.

Howre things on the old fertility front with you? Hope things are moving positively for you! Xx

[TTCs in reply to Pookymama]

Glad you are feeling more positive today! It's good to offload.

Im currently in down reg. I feel flu-like, sore muscles, head etc. Not sure if its the meds or jus a general winter bug! But im off work so taking it easy! Thanks for asking 😘 xx

[Pookymama in reply to TTCs]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling rough.

I didn't like down regging and recall feeling a bit ropey.

Glad to hear you're off work and able to relax. Will you be off for all of your cycle? Xx

[TTCs in reply to Pookymama]

Im planning on taking it off, my job is rly stressful and dont want any regrets! Hope u get ur apt over you soon! 😘 xx

[Emmyeve]

Just to give you some comfort, sake happened to me and I went it was lymph nodes type of thing probably because of hormonal things going on with my and my ovaries. I’m sure it’ll be nothing, most breast lumps usually are. Then you can get cracking with your journey x

[Hidden in reply to Emmyeve]

that's it. You have to be very very unlucky for it to be something more serious.

[Pookymama in reply to Hidden]

Do you know, I usually look at things quite positively without creating the scenario of doom, and feel more like that today. I think I was just on a general weepy downer yesterday and needed to get it out.

The lovely supportive messages definitely helped pick me up again!

Hope you are well and your journey is moving positively for you. 😊 xx

[Pookymama in reply to Emmyeve]

Aw, thank you for sharing that Emmy, it is comforting to hear.

I'm glad your lump wasn't anything serious.

How're things with your fertility journey? Hope they are going well for you and you have a happy healthy new year. 😊 xx

[Emmyeve in reply to Pookymama]

I’ve just had a big lap last Wednesday so I’m laid up recovering but tubes were clear so I’m excited to get trying once I feel better. Still in so much pain but optimistic. Meet with gyny in few weeks so we will discuss ivf. I think I’ll be ok to try naturally but I’d prefer to do ivf to have better chance rather than spend so much time trying on our own when I’m 36 with endo & hubby 44. I guess we will wait & see what happens. X

[Hidden]

its always the way isn't it how everything goes wrong at the same time.

no you are not being selfish in how you feel. Its natural to feel like that when it seems everyone else gets pregnant easy and yet for you its hard to come by.

that must have been a shock getting that emergency referral and you must be terrified of what they might find. Hopefully it will be a false alarm but it plays on your mind though what if they find something and the unknown makes you anxious.

happy new year to you.

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Oh bless you, what a difficult time you are having. I hope you have a similarly positive outcome from the further breast investigations, as @coracle did earlier this year. Much love to you at this horrid time xx

[Pookymama in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thank you for your lovely message hun.

I feel a bit guilty for having whinged now as I know what difficult times so many are going through.

I feel more like my positive self today though so it dis help to get it all out and to feel so supported by you all.

How're you today lovely? Xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to Pookymama]

We all need to let it out sometimes, that’s what we are here for!

I’m ok thanks but suffering with a rotten cold x

[Chantelle89]

Don’t apologise, this is what this network is here for, the good, the bad and the ugly....I’m so sorry to hear of what you’ve had to endure already and I can only send positive thoughts to you at such a worrying and emotional time! Today is the start of a New Year and I hope 2018 brings you all that you could hope for. Hang on in there 😘 xx

[Pookymama in reply to Chantelle89]

Aw, thank you for your lovely message Chantelle.

I'm feeling glad it's a new year and ready to move positively into it and to take on whatever it brings.

I hope 2018 brings all you hope for.

How're things going for you? Xx

[Dunla]

I am so very sorry to hear this. Very best of luck for you emergency appointment, hopefully with the pain it will be a cyst.

You are absolutely right to share how you are feeling here, it is impossible to keep it all in and you have just been faced with another difficult obstacle.

Sending you lots of love xx

[Pookymama in reply to Dunla]

Thank you for your lovely message Dunla,

It really did me good to share my feelings in this lovely supportive community.

I'm feeling back on form today and ready to face the new year positively.

I wish you all you wish for yourself in 2018.

How're you feeling lovely? Xx

[Dunla]

I am very glad to hear it. Had a wobble myself the last few days but I’m determined today will be a better one! Thank you 😘

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear about all you are going through. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to be sad - you're going through so much! I hope all turns out to be well with your lump. Sending you massive hugs xxx

[Pookymama in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words Charlie.

How're things with you? Xxx

[Hidden in reply to Pookymama]

I'm ok, very tired and a bit low from the downregging, but ok otherwise xxx