Sex and relationship stress

[welshone83]

My husband and I have been trying for 2.5 years now and are finally about to embark on our IVF journey. Our next appointment is the treatment plan.

Whilst I have been diagnosed as underactive thyroid which is now under control, the main issue for my husband and I has been low motility and morphology.

We haven't been getting on so well the last 6 months or so. I feel resentful of him (I know it's not his fault but it's irrational) and anxious about undergoing the treatment as hate needles. Sex is mechanical, scarce and a formality when I'm ovulating.

He reflected this morning in a row I have no interest in him sexually and only want him to produce a baby. It's not entirely a lie.

We've been together for 10 years, I do love him.. although don't know if I'm 'in love' in the soppy gooey way any more. He'll be great dad, we have a lovely house together and have just bought a puppy (which we thought would be a stress reliever but actually caused more stress). We're best friends when we get on and still have lots in common but the physical side of things is not great and that in turn causes rows.

I've been offer counselling which I'm going to take up but I wondered if anyone else's relationship is suffering/failing during this process?

He has also told me that if this doesn't work he is not bothered about pursuing other options. As someone with their fertility ok, I want to have a baby. A childless marriage is not an option for me.

Anyone else feeling this pain?

[Franco81]

Hi Welshone! I’m sorry to hear infertility is taking it’s toll on your relationship, reading what you have said though I could have pretty much written it myself! So sometimes just knowing you’re not alone is a relief.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 and a half years as well and although we were never at it like rabbits, our sex life used to be ok! It’s like something clicked in him as soon as we stared trying and sex became formal despite me doing my best to keep my cycle details to myself. It got so bad that he was only able to perform once a month, twice at the most, so no wonder we weren’t getting pregnant!

Fertility investigations have shown I have low AMH and he has low motility which I still believe we may have overcome had we been able to be intimate more often.

I have said to him that actually I need us to be ok more than my desire to become a Mum as i feel that if this journey destroys us that would be just awful.

We are working through it together and having counselling through our fertility clinic now and he has been surprisingly open which is a great start. Like you though I can’t help but feel a bit of resentment towards him for not trying harder (I’ve asked him to buy/choose some underwear for me, tried to suggest some nice things to do together to reignite that spark but he hasn’t been interested) and so I find myself feeling so disconnected from him and now after one failed cycle of ICSI, I am so drained and low that I don’t have to energy to do it on my own any more!

It was very strange but during treatment I felt closer to him as sex wasn’t an option and it was something we supported each other through. I’m just hoping that if and when we do become parents it will relieve some of the pressure on our sex life and the resentment I’ve felt so that we can enjoy each other again.

Anyway sorry I’m not offering any advice but like I said hopefully just knowing others are going through the same thing sometimes helps.

It does sound like you and your husband have a strong base though and the fact he’s still your best friend is lovely. I’m sure when we all come out the other end of this we will be stronger than ever.

Good luck, sending you strength and happiness xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

It’s really hard. Is there any chance he will take counselling too? Does he definitely want children? It’s really hard on both sides but men cope differently. It’s certainly a lonelier process for them as men don’t support each other the way women do. But I think most of us on here would agree that ttc takes its toll on your sex life! Unfortunately I think that’s normal.

Also, just make sure he is aware of what the hormones from ivf may do to you emotionally- my hubbie didn’t really understand hormones the first time round and it was very difficult. He has a better understanding now- maybe get some books to prepare him? There’s a book list from fertility UK which might be worth checking out?

Good luck for your next steps— he may change how he feels about what happens next once you have gone through a round of ivf- I think men often need to take things a step at a time whilst we need a big picture with plan a, b and c!

[welshone83 in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Thanks Lizzie. I've not even started taking the hormones yet and am emotional. Dreading it.

Will try convince him for counselling too.

I know I'm being a bitch to him sometimes but I just feel like he's not even making the effort to try naturally anymore. I don't feel close to him and just wish we could do all this he 'normal way'.

Thanks for your help and support. Nice to know it's there xx

[welshone83]

Thanks so much Franco81. It's made me cry reading this. I'm so sad at the moment and don't know what to do. It does help knowing that someone else feels the same way. I do hope our relationship stands the test.

Great idea to try and spice things up. I just find it so hard to 'get into the zone'. Good to know that your OH was prepared to go to counselling. I've talked about this with him and he refuses at the moment. Maybe that will change if he sees me getting the benefit.

Good luck to you guys. Fingers crossed for us xx