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Fertility Network UK
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Trying to be positive

Hi,

My husband and I have been trying for 3 Years and along the way have many friends and family who have conceived naturally without any trouble. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and I’m currently waiting to start my first round of IVF. I’m trying my very best to stay positive but just wanted to ask did anyone have any ways of coping with the stress and heartache? It’s been a very tough few years for us (as I’m guessing it has been for most in this group). I find i struggle more when others tell me to ‘stay calm’, or ‘don’t think about it’, ‘the worst thing you can do is stress’. Just looking for ways of coping with it without sending myself loopy! Thanks in advance everyone x

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Gosh I've just come on here tonight with the same struggles looking for ways to cope.

We've also been trying for just over 3 years and I was diagnosed with endometriosis earlier this year, which lead to a surgery this past august. Hoping to start my first round of ivf next month but I feel like I'm surrounded with babies and people falling pregnant without even trying. Had a particularly difficult week so I'd be interested to hear how people cope and de-stress. Im looking into reflexology but still in two minds.

Anyway, sorry to jump on your thread but I feel your pain and anxiety.

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Thanks for your comment!! I’m sorry to hear of your struggles too! I’ve been having reflexology for the past year now. I’ve obviously not got pregnant from it however I find it really helps me relax and destress. I also tried Accupuncture but it just wasn’t for me!

I too feel like I’m constantly surrounded by babies and pregnant people! It’s an horrible feeling!!

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Seriously this week has been overwhelming whereas most of the time I can stay calm and rational. Oh it's good to know reflexology helped you relax. Post-op I was told to limit exercising and I've really missed it. Hoping the doctor will say I'm fine to start again when I have my follow up at the end of the month. Do you exercise at all? I did Pilates and belly dancing, I found these were great fun and proven a useful distraction.

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Yes I find exercise does help I just get so lazy! I’m also at the bottom end of the bmi scale so I can’t exercise too much as I’m worried I’ll lose weight and I won’t be able to have my treatment! It’s so hard finding the right balance! I hope you’re feeling better soon xx

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It really is so hard and unfortunately there aren't any easy ways of coping, have you tried acupuncture? It's good for infertility but also really helps with my stress/anxiety.

Also it took me a long time to realise that putting yourself first is okay, if you feel like your not strong enough to be around your friends/family and their children one day then don't be. This journey is emotional and physically demanding, have small things to look forward to along the way as IVF can quickly take over it xx

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Thank you for your reply! I have tired Accupuncture and I didn’t find it helped at all. I’ve been having reflexology for over a year which I do find relaxes me but it’s more the being able to switch off and take my mind off it that I struggle with. My problem is not a lot of family or friends know what we’re going through, I don’t feel I can talk to them about it so it’s hard to distance myself xx

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Totally understand that, only my mum and best friend know what we've been through. Hopefully being on this forum will help you have a place to talk about your feelings with people who 'get it'. Everyone is really supportive here, I couldn't have got through my 4th cycle without them. I think the waiting to start is to tough to as you can feel like everything's out of your control, well I did anyway xx

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Yes definitely!! I’m hoping it will help, I only signed up this evening and already people like yourself are being so kind! It’s very hard when people don’t know and I find it hard to tell them. Xx

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Acupuncture has really helped me. But it's pricey. My acupuncturist is a fertility specialist but treats whatever is my most pressing need at the time, e.g. When I had a bad cold she worked on that. It feels like she is doing magic!

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Thanks for your comment! I gave Accupuncture a go but I just couldn’t get on with it. She also worked on me when I had a cold and back trouble and I just found it didn’t do anything, she used to say you’d get this buzz around your body but I felt nothing xx

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That's a real shame.

How about just some nice massages then?

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I do have reflexology every 2 weeks

Which I find really helps. It’s more the late evenings when I’m in bed I find I can’t switch off! X

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I don't have an answer for this as I struggle with it too x

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It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it! Hope you find something to help x

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Hey ! I know, feels like the whole world is pregnant! It's so hard when someone says "relax it will happen .... " I get annoyed at first but realise people are only trying to help and don't really know what to say however the most annoying thing is they are probably right ! If I could relax it would probably happen ? How on earth do I stop thinking about it ???? For me it's my ice skating when I go it's not about fertility it's for me and what I love . Maybe you could try something for yourself , a class ?

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Thank you for your reply! Yes I couldn’t agree more! It’s so frustrating. I do get that they don’t know what to say I just find sometimes it doesn’t help! That’s good that you have something to take your mind off it! Yeah maybe I’ll look into a class or something to do x

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Totally agree it doesn't !!! Xxxxx

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At least it works for few hours a week !

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Yes that’s the main thing atleast you’re getting some sort of break from it x

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Well you're definitely not alone in feeling the frustration with people around you who fall pregnant so easily. It's so hard, and puts such a strain on you. Early on it put a huge strain on our relationship too as my partner just didn't seem to understand why I was so upset by other people's good news. Which obviously made me feel like I was being a terrible person!

I've kept our infertility issues to myself too, only telling one family member who lives abroad. The truth is I just don't want to field all the well-meaning but useless advice. It's all very well telling someone who's about to sit an exam to relax, but someone who is dealing with the all-consuming distress of infertility is facing something very different. Maybe one day I'll have the patience and resilience to explain to people, but right now I feel like I need to keep myself out of harm's way.

We've been trying for nearly two years now, with one m/c behind us. The worst thing for me is when people (nurses and doctors) try and tell me I should be 'positive' about the fact that I had a failed pregnancy. It's totally misguided. The miscarriage broke my heart, and the failure to fall pregnant since then has felt crushing at times. 'Relax', 'don't think about it', etc, just feels very dismissive of the level of pain I felt before, during and since.

Anyway - not many solutions in there for you, sorry! I relax by exercising and cooking, but it's different for everyone. This forum has been an enormous help to me, so hopefully you'll find opening up to people who really can relate to what you're going through will help too.

Sending love and a huge virtual hug to you - just know that you're allowed to feel bad about being in a bad situation. It doesn't make you a bad person xxxx

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I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve said!!

I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles and I really have everything crossed that you get your happy ending! Thank you so much for replying, it does make things abit easier to know that there are others going through the same and feel the same pain as I do. I’ve had a few people comment back now and everyone is so friendly and helpful, I do think being in this group will help, especially when I need a rant!! Sending lots of love to you xx

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We’re coming upto the 3 year mark too! I was completely consumed by wanting a baby this time last year, and nothing helped at all, it was a very difficult time, and as you said it’s like everyone is pregnant and it’s the worst feeling ever. For me in the new year I started to look at it more positively a new year a new start and maybe the year it would all happen for us, we luckily were offered ivf and it went ahead in May, unfortunately it ended in a miscarriage and upto that point I was wrapped in the whole process, it completely knocked me and to ease the pain and stress I was feeling I went back to yoga and used mindfulness - the calm app and headspace, they have been a part of my journey since, I’m now in my 2ww after having a FET! I also used yesmumcards - fertility version to instill positive thoughts into my day, and I can honestly say I’m dealing with things a lot better than I was, and close friends have noticed and mentioned it also, so one of them or a combination of them have worked for me. Wishing you lots of luck with your journey xxx

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Thank you for replying!! I’m going to sound so stupid now but I’m not clued up with the shortened terms so I apologise now but what do you mean when you say ‘I’m now in my 2ww after having FET’? X

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Ah sorry, it’s something you’ll pick up on really quickly, lots of shortened terms for everything! I’ve had a frozen embryo transfer and I’m in the 2 week wait, before I test and find out whether it’s worked or not.

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Ahhh thank you! I’ve been reading up on people’s comments on things and I had no clue what it all meant lol.

I’m so pleased to hear your on your 2 week wait! I’ve got everything crossed for you and hope you get some good news! Thank you for your advice about yoga and the mindful app. I’ve got the headspace app and I should really use it!! I will give it a go xx

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I haven't tried it personally but I've heard a few people say mindfulness apps work wonders for relaxation. One lady was saying that hers helped so much up to egg collection and transfer that she was going to access the paid bit of the app to help with that. Sorry I can't remember what it's called! Not sure if this forum has a search facility or not!

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Thank you for your reply! I have that app, someone else mentioned it on a previous comment so I definitely think I will give it a go thank you! X

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I should probably read other comments before posting 😂

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No don’t be silly!! It’s lovely to hear from so many people. I’ve spent the last 3 and a half years keeping most of it to myself so any comment is welcome!!

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Sometimes just getting it off your chest to others going through the same thing and actually get it can be a wonder in itself! This forum is a godsend!

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Yes 100%!!! I only joined last night and everyone is so friendly! I find when I tel someone who doesn’t know about it or hasn’t been through it they just do not get it. And not everyone will I understand that, but I think that’s why I hold back so much. I think being in this forum is definitely going to help x

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If you google head space it's free to sign up and use. I'm a teacher and we use it with the kids it is very good and free :) xx

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Heyy you are not alone in similar situation but we can't access ivf yet as they won't allow me to until I've lost weight. It is so so hard but we are ok here for each other. I've recently tried being more open around everyone probably to the point of tmi haha just telling People family friend and people at work( I'm surrounded by pregnant people at work) I felt like I was carrying around this massive stone pretending to be ok and smiling all the time with people not knowing now I'm trying to channel some positive energy in increasing awareness and the stone is still there but much lighter and I've noticed people are much more open with me asking direct questions instead of saying it will happen don't worry or just relax- I'm starting to think people say this cos they don't know what else to say. Maybe I'm deflecting or avoiding but it's certainly helping for now.

This is a great forum with people who really do understand and good luck and love to you

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Thank you so much for your reply. It’s really heart warming to speak to people who are going through the same. I hope you get to access IVF soon. Your weight loss will be worth every second!

Sending you love and luck on your journey! X

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We are exactly the same I have another couple of stone to go before we can access IVF but it's proving difficult to lose xx

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I found yoga helped me! I was a total anovice but I had to concentrate so hard so I wouldn't fall over, that I forgot about everything else. I have also wondered about reflexology. My friend raves about it. Xx

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Oh that’s such a good way of thinking about it. I tried yoga at home but found it quite boring. However the thought of having to concentrate on not falling over may take my mind off other things. I have reflexology every 2 weeks and it definitely helps with the stress xx

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I know exactly how you're feeling. When we were diagnosed with unexplained and told we had to wait a year for treatment, I went out of my mind. There were months were I'd just cry for days after a period. It was so hard to be happy. Here are some of the things that have helped:

- Mindful IVF app (meditation in general)

- acupuncture with someone who specializes in infertility. She's also like talk therapy for me too

- practicing gratitude everyday (just write three things you're grateful for)

- listening to Beat Infertility and Miracles Happen Fertility podcast (highly recommend!)

- connecting with people who are going or have gone through it. I found out a close friend had gone through it and didn't know it until I opened up about our issues. Another distant acquaintance posted something about IVF and I didn't know her well but I reached out and she's been an amazing support. You might be surprised to find that people you know have been touched by infertility.

Between that and these forums, I haven't felt alone or isolated in all this and that has really helped me mentally.

We just started and I'm On Day 4 of injections, i know there's still a large rollercoaster of emotions to come. I'm of the mindset to try anything. I recently wrote a bunch of positive affirmations on sticky notes and put them all around our house. Just little reminders during the day to stay positive. Hope this helps

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Thank you very much for your comment!! I’ve got the mindful app and I started using it yesterday!

I’ve just subscribed to the 2 podcasts too so hoping they will help!

I’ve got everything crossed for you and I hope you get your happy ending after such a long time waiting x

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