Trying to be positive

[anred]

Hi everyone, I’m new in here so please bear with me. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 3 years. During that time we’ve found out that I have bowel endometriosis and in the last few weeks we have also found out that he has fertility issues too - very low sperm count, very poor mobility and very poor morphology. We’ve been told that our only chance (which is still very slim) is IVF. I’m trying to be really positive but at the moment it seems that everyone around me is pregnant. My ex colleagues were both pregnant; I moved jobs a few months ago and my new boss told me on the second day that she was pregnant. Most of our friends have children and/or are pregnant. I’ve literally just found out that my brother and his fiancée are also pregnant, they weren’t really trying so it’s unexpected, and it just feels like the last straw. I’ve tried to be positive and happy for everyone, and I really am happy for my brother, but I just feel so low. We’re meant to be spending Christmas with them and my parents in a week’s time but at the moment I really don’t think I can handle being around them for over a week, as I just need time to process everything. My husband is also finding it really difficult and has withdrawn into himself - I just don’t know what to do. I feel really selfish and guilty for even considering not spending Christmas with them; I’ve always been seen as the strong one, who just picks themselves up and gets on with things, but I just don’t want to be that person at the moment.

[E_05]

Welcome to the forum and so sorry for what your going through.

Please don’t feel selfish, it’s understandable to be feeling the way you are. It’s hard being on this roller coaster ride when all you want is baby and seeing everyone else pregnant. Have you tried talking to your mum about how your feeling? Maybe she could talk to your brother and explain the difficult time your having. Ultimately I would say it’s hard but you do learn to put yourself first as this journey is emotionally and physically draining, last year my SIL announced she was pregnant the day after we found out our 2nd cycle was unsuccessful and I couldn’t spend Christmas with them. I hope you make the decision that is right for you xx

[Dunla]

Hi I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time and are feeling so low. What you’re going through is completely life altering. I can relate to your situation as I have very low AMH and my husband has similar symptoms to your own husband. So like you, IVF is the only likely way we’ll conceive.

Hearing others pregnancy news is difficult and it is very normal to feel the emotions you’re going through at present. Sometimes I don’t recognise myself. I feel so bitter and resentful of others as it seems they can so easily achieve the thing i have been trying for so desperately the past six years.

If you feel Christmas with family would be too difficult for you and your husband, perhaps spend it together away from family. Could you book a last minute holiday perhaps? Don’t be afraid to put you and your husband’s needs first.

Sending you hugs and very best wishes xx

[Spangle84]

Hi. Some days it just feels overwhelming doesn’t it? I find it difficult to hear others pregnancy news too. We’ve had 4 years of trying, 1 failed round of IVF and shortly after that I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks from a natural conception. There’s no getting away from the fact that it’s hard. It’s difficult to be happy for others especially when it’s not planned or an ‘accident’ when we’re all trying so hard for something that everyone thinks is so easy. It’s ok to feel this way. I won’t tell you ‘your time will come’ or that ‘it will happen for you one day’ because I don’t know. I’ve learnt over a lot of time that it’s not something that I can control. It is Mother Nature after all. Therefore, as simple as this sounds yet is very hard to actually do (believe me, I don’t get this right all the time!) - there’s no point worrying yourself silly about something you cannot control. I am an absolute believer that you should discuss these things - both with partners, family and friends as it really helps them to understand the emotions you may be feeling. I’m probably going to get slated for this but it’s easy for us in this situation to feel very selfishly. Whilst it’s difficult to be around pregnant people, I wouldn’t wish anyone the situation we’re in so maybe it’s just about about learning to detach the 2 things. Someone else being pregnant doesn’t have any bearing on whether you will or won’t get pregnant. It’s hard to have it shoved in your face but you’ll never get away from it - over these 4 yrs I’ve learnt that there’s always someone! I hope you feel better soon, I completely understand where you’re at and just know that you might be having a tough time but there will be better days.

[Jjl84]

First of all, welcome.

I know it may not seem it right now, but it does get easier. I still have my good days and bad. IVF is the only way for my husband and I too. I have severe endometriosis and both my fallopian tubes are blocked. We are currently going through our 5th cycle of IVF. I still don't know where I find the strength from but it's sort of become our way now. We were at our closest earlier this year after getting a positive result but unfortunately had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. We then had a negative cycle of IVF so keeping everything crossed for this cycle.

I understand what you mean when you find out others are pregnant. You just have to put on that false smile (of course you're happy for them) but inside you're dying and just want it to be you.

Life certainly is cruel at times and I still blame myself (as to me, it's my body stopping us from getting pregnant). I know deep down that isn't the case but you almost have to have that reason.

Try and have a good Christmas. Maybe try talking to your family and ask them to keep baby talk to a minimum around you. You have to do what's best for you and your husband and just be there for each other. I'm surprised my husband hasn't walked away from me by now, the amount of times I push him away but he's been my rock and it definitely brings you closer together as a couple.

Wishing you both all the best and please know that you're not alone xx

[Wishes1982]

I hope you manage to find support from this group as it's so hard and unfair. Support like this is such a good outlet as you can speak so freely.

Three years is already a life changing amount of time, so be gentle on yourself and your husband. It can be all so consuming trying for a baby, so self preservation is key to getting through the tough times, especially when announcements come as inevitably they do (it still amazes me how anyone can fall pregnant now that I know what I do!!).

Those close to you will understand, those that don't - don't matter and anyone that needs a little more input to understand your actions, can simply wait until you feel strong enough again to face the world. You will feel strong again - and you will feel weak again at times.

Take strength from your husband, you no doubt will have already become closer than ever before, having found yourself on this unplanned and frustrating journey. Take advantage of this new level of closeness and lean on each other when you need too.

You will surprise yourself with what you can cope with, what you can get through and how you can keep moving forwards towards your ultimate goal - albiet with a shift of goal post here and there!

IVF is tough but more so the thinking about it and planning for it. Once you hit the ivf roller coaster you will find a way just to get on with it, it's unfair when others can just make it happen, but others really don't matter and how you approach 'baby making' doesn't matter either, your goal is the same.

Allow yourself to be excited about the prospect of IVF, the extra attention from those around you and the opportunity to really look after yourself and nurture the vessel you are about to become.

Chance played no part in our journey, the odds were actually in our favour for the most part but genetics stepped in to show us that chance and percentages don't matter to them! This led to a long IVF journey, ups and downs, appointment after appointment but it was worth it as we did thankfully reach our goal.

I'll go ahead and throw in the cliche about taking each step of the process as it comes - because it is actually really applicable and will certainly help to break down what seems a lengthy process. Planning to far ahead isn't very fruitful as there are so many variables in the process and the cycle (s) are a learning curve for everyone who plays a part in it, everyone responds differently after all.

It can be hard for a man to find out he is suffering from infertility and withdrawing I believe is a normal reaction as long as you remain close and just there even in times of silence. Remember it takes just one sperm which can be selected and inserted into the egg through icsi. And its a little more straight forward 'extracting' semen than it is eggs, so he can give it a few 'shots' (excuse the pun) to get a good one or two!

Take care of yourselves & keep talking x

[sanchia46]

Could you try and make some time for yourselves over Christmas?

[7AVA]

Hi, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like you’ve come to a very difficult part of your journey at an inopportune time. Everyone is different but I remember feeling both devastated and relieved when our consultant said the only thing he would recommend was ivf. Don’t underestimate the impact of this news. To combine this with news that your own brother is now pregnant is hard to take (even though you may feel very pleased as well for him). When you throw the emotions of Christmas in (a time where we’re expected to spend time, happy and joyful with family) into the mix and it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed. As others have said, you need to put you and your husband’s needs first at this time and be very, very kind to yourself and each other. Perhaps a week is too long to spend with family. Talk to your husband and decide how much time you could realistically cope in your family setting. Is it possible that you could spend some time just the two of you, perhaps get away for a few days and do something non-Fertility related? Recognising that this is a difficult time, you could also seek out a counsellor to talk to, either for you or both of you. I’m wishing you all the very best for your future ivf treatment and remember, lots of people, with endometriosis have success this way (my sister did). Also, I know on here that people have done things to improve sperm count, changing diet etc so there is still plenty of hope. Xxx

[Kezbag]

“You owe yourself the love that you so freely give to other people”.

Prioritise yourself Lady. It’s so important not to feel pressured into doing things you know are going to cause you pain and make you feel worse. They will understand. And even if they don’t, that’s not your problem. Xx

[anred]

Thank you everyone for the comments so far, it’s been lovely hearing from you all and it has all really helped. Ive spoken to my mum and we will still be spending the week with everyone, but I’ve said that me and hubby might need a couple of days to do our own thing and get away from it all, which I think she is beginning to understand. Even if we’re just able to go out for the day, just the two of us, I think will help. I know it’s going to be tough, but the support shown on here has really helped shine a bit of light on everything. We do need to put ourselves first for once and will be doing so, whilst still sharing in the happiness of their news and the Christmas festivities. We’ve talked about the IVF a little more and are going to put it aside until the new year now, so that we can concentrate on the next few weeks, otherwise it will all be too overwhelming. Thank you all again xx