Does IP will disappear or will keep in touch after birth?

[MildredLock]

1. Hi, I would like to share that I am 25 and a surrogate into the third month of pregnancy. My IP are very nice people and whenever I am in need of help they are there, not just because I am pregnant with their baby but I have 2 kids of my own, they help them too. Recently my son was not well and had to be hospitalised and I too not feeling that well due to pregnancy could not take care of him much so my IPs were there to take care of him. They even paid all the hospital bills and medicine for him, they do a lot for me and my kids. They have also promised that they will keep in touch with me after birth of the baby. I really don’t know because one of my friends, already a surrogate mother has had a different experience. The IP simply disappeared after the baby was handed over. I am feeling depressed from now own and really don’t know will they keep the promise as the IP of my friend also promised but disappeared. She is undergoing a therapy now to overcome the depression and I don’t want to go through such situation. If anyone having same experience then please share. Thoughts of others are appreciated please!

[stefanyross1]

I have a couple of friends who have been surrogate mothers and both of them have had the same experience as you. The IPs had promised to “keep in touch” but had “simply disappeared” (as you say) after the baby had been delivered. There can be many reasons for this. As the person above said that it’s their baby and their family, and it is up to IPs to keep in touch or not after the birth of the baby. I think that IPs say so because they feel that’s what surrogate mothers want to hear. Or maybe the relationship soured at some stage and they were waiting for the baby to arrive before cutting off all ties. Also IP have several concerns before, during and after they have a baby through surrogacy. Some, but not all, have a great relationship with their surrogate and worry how she is going to react once the baby is born. Not all relationships between the IPs and surrogate will be amazing, sometimes there is never that connection, other times, it might be extraordinary when you are pregnant, but once you’ve given birth, not so much. In my opinion, you never really know how it’s going to go. You write it on your profile and discuss it during the match meeting in the hope that everyone is being honest.

[diannakey]

I think that you should not give too much importance to this issue. True, a close bonding might develop between families because there is a sweet little thing, the baby that is the focal point of attention. But then, from the very beginning it has been just a deal, isn’t it?

I say, you should just dump the thought, regardless of what your friend has experienced. As you said your IP helps you a lot and your kids also, they must be looking at you as your family member that is why they help you with your kids. Some see it as a business relationship and once the baby is born, the business is over. I know that it can be very hard when IPs say that they will keep in touch but do not, especially if you had a great relationship during the pregnancy. The reason could be that sometimes parents are so busy with their new baby that you may not her from them as often and that can be a hard change when you’re used to hearing from them quite a bit and sometimes they just want you to fade away because your job is done. What they paid you for is complete, you carried and delivered a healthy baby. Thank you. Goodbye. It might be difficult for surrogate mothers to reach this level of detachment but then that’s the way it is. There is no point brooding over it.

[Lynnr54]

I have a friend who is a surrogate (I think she's done 2 or 3 times now) and still keeps in touch so it can work sometimes. I think it's just down to the individuals involved.

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi MildredLock. Well, they do seem to have been pretty supportive towards you and your children so far, so try not to be worried. I can only speak from a friend's experience, who has 2 surrogate children, by different surrogates, and they always invite them and their families to their children's birthdays and at Christmas time. They are permanent friends which is fabulous. I do hope all works out well for you, and you remain close. Diane