Fighting for that dream

[AllyBell88]

First ICSI BFP Miscarrage 6 weeks. Approaching round 2 diagnosed Policistic Ovaries poor egg quality. Very anxious

[Tugsgirl]

Sorry for your loss and good luck for your next round 🍀🍀🍀

[vic77]

Sorry to read this. Try to stay positive for next round..get book it starts with the egg about improving egg quality xx

[72cloud9]

Ah bless u so sorry.wishing u best of luck for round 2 xxx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi AllyBell88. I'm sure you are! However, hopefully your specialist will have leaned much about you during that last cycle, so maybe be able to fine-tune things better this time round - who knows. Good and I will be thinking of you. Diane

[AllyBell88 in reply to DianeArnold]

So he tells me.. vitamins and different stimulation drugs next cycle hope it works! Oo and a strict low carb diet..

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Don't lose heart. My acupuncturist said to me last week that while there are still eggs there is still hope. It only takes one!

[Pookymama]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I experienced something similar with my first round. Sending luck and wishes for your success this round. Xx

[AllyBell88 in reply to Pookymama]

Thankyou I do wonder how I'll find the strength to get there the waiting is hard. Did you respond better /get better eggs second time around?

[Pookymama in reply to AllyBell88]

It's crazy but somehow the strength comes back. My 2nd round was cancelled on ec day as they had issues with a surgery before me and Sue to that delay I'd already ovulated. I responded poorly compared to the first round too but I'd been ill and taking supplements thst I'm not sure agreed with me so I'm back to a natural now waiting to start my first long protocol in 3 weeks. Hopefully I'll respond better to that!

When do you start again hun?

Lots of luck to you

[AllyBell88 in reply to Pookymama]

That's good to no I'm so emotional think the loss took a while to hit me. How do you cope around others with babies? Feel pretty hopeless like I failed. Bless you that must have been hard. Wish you the best of luck. Call the clinic in approx 2 weeks and start down reg 21 days later so 5 weeks.. roll on!

[Pookymama in reply to AllyBell88]

Aw hun, it sounds like you're been having a really tough time with it all recently. I completely understand, I went straight back to work a couple of days after our loss in October, I asked work for counselling but they (despite being a support/counselling type environment) told me I had to have the counselling offered at our fertility clinic which I'd already told them was not counselling as I knew it (as a trainee counsellor myself). I think I went on autopilot for a few months then but christmas was horribly sad then by January I got ill. Think my body was telling me to stop and deal with everything which I've done. I'm now getting counselling, accupuncture and being gentle with myself.

Maybe these emotions are welling up in you asking you to deal with them as mine did? And perhaps this 5 weeks you have will give you judt the time you need to find ways to heal?

I think we need to take time out and do whatever helps us heal from our losses as we need to regain that strength for our next precious attempts.

I cope better in general with other people's babies than I did 6 months ago even - I know it's a cliché but time can really help us find those coping strategies that work for us.

I say all that but I really do have my major meltdowns, feelings of failure and inability to cope moments too. It's such an emotional roller coaster isn't it?

Oo, I start down regging 21 days today so we're not far apart! Xx 😊

[AllyBell88 in reply to Pookymama]

Hopefully it's good to no I'm not the only one, I went back to work as you did 4 days after. I've booked counselling for a couple of weeks time , and hope to learn to cope better. I just avoid everyone at the minute/socialising is a challenge as 4 of my friends have new babies I just can't face them. Good to no or else I'll end up with no friends! Every pram reminds me of our failing, we also have male factor by the way.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done, good days bad days.. pleased it gets easier, we have to keep fighting don't we.ahh great yes 2 weeks between us. Approaching another round do you feel calmer knowing what to expect? X

[Pookymama in reply to AllyBell88]

Sounds like your grief may have not had chance to heal with going back to work so quickly? I hope the counselling helps you, I'm sure it will.

I know what you mean with the socialising thing. We moved back to my home town a year ago and I went out to the pubs for the first time last weekend. I had old friends coming up to me saying "oh my god, where have you been? You've been back a year and haven't been to visit me?!" Etc. Truth is, I came back to be close to family when I had a baby but the baby hasn't come and I haven't been able to face the baby questions from people so have avoided them and isolated myself in the process.

It did me good to see old faces and allow myself the freedom of a dance before I jump back on the ivf wagon. While we sometimes need to retreat it also pays for us to socialise, even if that has to be in a different way with different people that doesn't remind us of our pain.

I think we can lose our identity and spirit under the weight of all this sadness so it's good when you get to a place where you feel able to try and get yourself back.

I never thought I'd get to that place again because as you say it's the hardest thing we've ever done but I'm getting there and I'm sure you will too.

There seems to be different stages that we pass through of how we cope with/respond to this fertility battle and yes, I think we can bob back and forth between those stages sometimes but there's definite progression in the way we cope.

The very fact that we're seeking support helps us come on leaps and bounds I feel and I bet that a couple of months chatting on this forum will make you feel better. It's lovely being part of a community where you're all reading from the same page.

Are you going private for your counselling or nhs hun? Accupuncture is very calming too. Xx

[AllyBell88 in reply to Pookymama]

I'm so with you.. the baby questions are unbearable. life has been on hold for what seems like forever planning the baby that never came, unable to enjoy your self or even be distracted when your out, as I feel everywhere you look there's family's and smiles. I've sought out other friends that I call family/those closest with those with whom I feel safe. If you don't mind me asking how long have you been waiting for a baby? Pleased your finding yourself again. Your right 3 days on here and I feel semi human, like minded people help us make sense of our feelings/to no we're not alone.

Re counselling a bit of both have a session booked with the clinic I'm at and re registered for let's talk wellbeing (NHS). I saw them some months ago when we first discovered out fertility issues/I had a breakdown/3 months off work due to two colleagues being pregnant and me it making me ill. It did help. I do hope this is our round! Time goes slow doesn't it.. I wish my life away so often! X

[Leesalou]

Good luck with our 2nd cycle, when do you hopefully start? X

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

Thanks start down reg in 5 weeks. By which time the vitamins will have hopefunmy kicked in.. do they help? Taking inofolic and ubiquitol q10.. any experience of those and better egg quality? X

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

Thankyou, fingers crossed for us both this time! Hopefully I'm about 4/5 weeks so similar to you maybe? Time goes so slow !

[Leesalou in reply to AllyBell88]

Sorry I didn't see you had replied. Not sure what vitamins are you taking?

I'm hoping to get my start date on 27th but the wait to then is driving me crazy! x

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

Ubiquinol q10 and inofolic for PSOS. Just about to start metformin heard this reduces miscarriage and helps with egg quality. A date definitely helps.. something to work towards! Hope you get it! Xx

[Leesalou in reply to AllyBell88]

Thanks, yes I'm not on anything yet apart from folic acid tablets,

Yes can't wait to get my stat date. Hope your meds help and make a difference, is the med your on part of your ivf cycle or just supplements recommended? Xx

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

They are suppiments recommended by our consultant as quality was so poor last time (although we got 17 eggs they were all pretty useless) only 10 were injectable and only 4 fertilised. The metformin is a prescription they have sent to get perscribed from my doctors. Really hope they help can't face the disappointment again! Do you think about this 24/7 as I do! Can't enjoy anything! Just wish the weeks away..

[AllyBell88 in reply to AllyBell88]

Have they changed your protocol for round 2?x

[Leesalou in reply to AllyBell88]

Who me? If so not sure till 27th,

I've bee delayed as eventually last consultation when double going through my results I wasn't amine to rubella so I had to have a vaccination, I've got a blood test on 24th to test to see if I am, then ring them on 27th for result if I am ill then get my date for my consultation to arrange a start date for my 2nd cycle xx

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

Fingers crossed you are. There's light when you've a date to get started! X

[Leesalou in reply to AllyBell88]

Sure do, it's a nightmare isn't it,

I'm a proper over thinker anyway and this is driving me crazy and as I'm not getting my start date till 27th that wait is driving me mad, wake up thinking about it I fall to sleep eventually thinking about it & il pretty sure i prob dream about it too lol.

Is this your 2nd go as well? (My memory is rubbish )

I try my hardest to be positive but then there is all this negativity that overshadows it

Xx

[Leesalou in reply to Leesalou]

Meds I hope they do say they must do if there prescription meds. Fingers cross for you? Xx

[AllyBell88 in reply to Leesalou]

It really does your not alone there I think about it constantly! Yes this will be our second cycle. Just found out we'll be delayed by another month I'm devastated.. don't no how I'll cope.. I'll just have to its torture. R u scared? I thought I'd be excited but I'm terrified as to what if it doesn't work this time/if I misscarry again.. I currently just exist not live it's horrible! Wish I could be distracted, husband seems to cope ok x

[Leesalou in reply to AllyBell88]

How comes your delayed,

I was cause of my rubella which they could of told me in June if they looked at my results properly, say that month is driving me crazy with the over thinking,

I'm everything excited but then scared as I thing what if it fails like first time and then how hard it hit me, then I'm excited again. My husbands the same his there for me but he doesn't over think like me and he sees it as positive as we're trying again, if he is thinking differently his kept it to himself I guess so I haven't got that to deal with too,

I'm like that though ttc it's taken over my life, but I've been a little better with feelings about not falling each month since was told ivf is my only option. But now I just constantly over think ivf lol,

The joys us women have to go through xxx

[AllyBell88 in reply to AllyBell88]

Pretty fristrating for you. I'm Much the same, there mistake really there was a delay in sending the letter requesting the doctor prescribe my metformin feel kinda cheated as this could have been done a month ago when they recommended vitamins. I could start this month but I'd be thinking what if if eggs are rubbish again as they like u to b on it for 3 months prior to collection. Maddening really isn't it. I just cried on the phone when she said if your happy to wait another month.. as if I'm happy about it.. the last months wait has been torture! So on to another.. my thoughts were exactly the same.. terrified it will be bad again..

My husband is the same seems to just get on with things , it is what it is and we'll get there! Pleased it's not just me!! The encironment at work is a constant reminder of failings.. every third customer has a pushchair! That hurts..

non stop google! Pleased it's not just me.. it's an obsession! Can't wait to get started hope then we'll cope better when we're actually doing it xx

[Pookymama]

I took dhea, ubiquinol coq10, R-Alpha lipoic acid, vitamin e, aspirin and prenatal vitamins from Oct to Feb, I had less follies which didn't grow at an even rate. Don't know whether it had anything to do with the supplements not agreeing with me but I've stopped them all just in case apart from coq10, pregnacare and baby aspirin to prevent miscarriage.

I've heard positive stories from these supplements as well though so recognise that we all respond differently.

Hope yours helps you

[Beanme]

So sorry for your first loss, it must have been awful. Well done on pursuing your dream and going again. Sending you sparkles this is your time xxx🎇🎆✨

[Hidden]

So sorry for your loss and that you have been struggling lately. You will find the strength and fight again, I am in the mist of my 4th cycle and at the start of all this I never thought I would be here and able to do this. My counsellor said to look at how much you have already achieved now how much has failed (if that makes sense) I just always try and keep our end goal in mind 💕💕💕

[AllyBell88 in reply to Hidden]

It's hard.. you are an inspiration. I really hope you achieve your dream this time. Will be thinking of you. Thankyou for the advice, I will try, I just seem to cry at the moment and dwell/ seeing a councelor on Wednesday so that's positive that it has helped you. Xx

[Hidden in reply to AllyBell88]

You will have good days and bad days and if you need to cry that's fine let it all out, I always feel better afterwards. Just keep believing that your time will come 💕💕

[AllyBell88 in reply to Hidden]

Yes very up and down your right there. I really hope so, and for you ! Xx