I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. After 8 years of trying to conceive, you'd think when I got my bfp 10, 11, 12, and then 14 days post transfer I'd be bouncing off the walls, planning nursery colours, shouting from the rooftop and smiling constantly ..... but I'm not, I'm more lost than I've ever been.
With countless single lines staring back at me over the years and finally the double line news that every IVF couple dreams of, yet I don't feel a thing like I expected! I start to and then it's like I crash, nose dive into depressive thoughts and start to doubt every positive test and everything ahead.
I'm not sure what it is, I'm usually pretty good at self analysis and have been so positive throughout but now when I should be jumping for joy it's like the biggest comedown of all time.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit and post because I know the pain and the absolute desperation that many women posting on this site feel only dreaming of a Bfp and I feel selfish and undeserving, even though our road over the past 8 years has been as tough as the rest, I'm certain.
I'm racking my brains to find answers.... Is it that after our first round of IVF I don't feel worthy, maybe it's the huge relief that we have reached the top of our mountain and the realisation we have to walk down the other side to get the healthy babe in arms. Maybe our fertility has always been a struggle and for it to work first time is just too good to be true! Maybe it's that our struggle has come to be my crutch? Or Is it that the last time I tested positive I was 17 years old only to scan and nothing.
I'm a week away from our 7 week scan now and I'm driving myself crazy that this is all in my head. Every time I feel nausea I'm wondering if I've got a bug or if I actually am trying to kid myself with false symptoms... Trying to remember if before I could bend over a toilet and retch or if it's an actual symptom!?!
My husband doesn't understand my thoughts and is confused as to my denial. I want to do another test just to check but my husband tells me we will be broke before the babies here and to stop. (I can kinda get obsessive) tbh I would test just to put my mind at ease but I'm so scared and convinced it will now show as negative and I'll wake up from this dream, and I don't want to but I'm also driving myself mad! I'm searching the internet daily/hourly for symptoms that I'm not sure I'm actually feeling and I'm petrified to get excited until I see the scan and I'm praying it's still there.
Am i ever normal?! and why can't I just enjoy this!?!? Would like to know if I'm alone in feeling this way or if anyone has any compelling scientific evidence that it'll be okay and that I am indeed pregnant then that would be great also . Aside from 4 positive sticks and no period for 4 weeks post transfer!!!!! Alternatively Am I in need of a frying pan to the head to try and wake up maybe!?!
Baby dust to you all x