I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. After 8 years of trying to conceive, you'd think when I got my bfp 10, 11, 12, and then 14 days post transfer I'd be bouncing off the walls, planning nursery colours, shouting from the rooftop and smiling constantly ..... but I'm not, I'm more lost than I've ever been.
With countless single lines staring back at me over the years and finally the double line news that every IVF couple dreams of, yet I don't feel a thing like I expected! I start to and then it's like I crash, nose dive into depressive thoughts and start to doubt every positive test and everything ahead.
I'm not sure what it is, I'm usually pretty good at self analysis and have been so positive throughout but now when I should be jumping for joy it's like the biggest comedown of all time.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit and post because I know the pain and the absolute desperation that many women posting on this site feel only dreaming of a Bfp and I feel selfish and undeserving, even though our road over the past 8 years has been as tough as the rest, I'm certain.
I'm racking my brains to find answers.... Is it that after our first round of IVF I don't feel worthy, maybe it's the huge relief that we have reached the top of our mountain and the realisation we have to walk down the other side to get the healthy babe in arms. Maybe our fertility has always been a struggle and for it to work first time is just too good to be true! Maybe it's that our struggle has come to be my crutch? Or Is it that the last time I tested positive I was 17 years old only to scan and nothing.
I'm a week away from our 7 week scan now and I'm driving myself crazy that this is all in my head. Every time I feel nausea I'm wondering if I've got a bug or if I actually am trying to kid myself with false symptoms... Trying to remember if before I could bend over a toilet and retch or if it's an actual symptom!?!
My husband doesn't understand my thoughts and is confused as to my denial. I want to do another test just to check but my husband tells me we will be broke before the babies here and to stop. (I can kinda get obsessive) tbh I would test just to put my mind at ease but I'm so scared and convinced it will now show as negative and I'll wake up from this dream, and I don't want to but I'm also driving myself mad! I'm searching the internet daily/hourly for symptoms that I'm not sure I'm actually feeling and I'm petrified to get excited until I see the scan and I'm praying it's still there.
Am i ever normal?! and why can't I just enjoy this!?!? Would like to know if I'm alone in feeling this way or if anyone has any compelling scientific evidence that it'll be okay and that I am indeed pregnant then that would be great also . Aside from 4 positive sticks and no period for 4 weeks post transfer!!!!! Alternatively Am I in need of a frying pan to the head to try and wake up maybe!?!
Baby dust to you all x
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Danidoobs123
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I think how you feel is completely normal. I don't want to upset anyone by my response either. I only tried for 2.5 years but (thankfully) I also fell pregnant after our first round of IVF. My first emotion was relief, pure relief. It was shortly followed by fear. Fear that it was all going to go wrong and that I would be back to square one.
On the one hand I was so incredibly grateful it had worked and so thankful to the medical staff and NHS but, on the otherhand, I was apprehensive about fully embracing the fact I was pregnant. Was life going to play a cruel trick and snatch it all away? Was I imagining the morning sickness? I had seen the scan but how could I know the baby was still ok? Was it safe to tell people or would I jinx things if I did?
I also didn't know where I fitted in. I was no longer going through IVF so I felt my worries didn't belong on this forum but I still felt like I was on this infertility journey and not quite at ease with other pregnant women either!
At 21 weeks it's starting to feel real. I can feel the baby wriggling (although I do still worry it's my imagination at times!) and I am starting to think about preparing for his/hers arrival in 2016.
I feel great now (so hold on in there)! I can honestly say I love being pregnant. I sometimes still resent what we had to go through to get to this stage but the pain and stress of infertility has definitely eased along with the morning sickness....
Don't beat yourself up. While IVF and a BFP is a wonderful gift it does take some time for it all to sink in.
Take care of yourself and best of luck for that scan!
Thank you so much for your reply, it's so lovely to know I'm not allowed be in feeling this way and that its normal.
I kind of wanted it to get better after the scan but maybe this is all part of parenthood getting through each stage happy and healthy and it's time I embrace it before it passes by!
Super happy for you and you give me inspiration and proof that it does happen!
Thank God it's not just me! Honestly I can relate to your post completely.
I've realised it is just impossible to feel totally relaxed & happy even when you get the BFP. I have definitely had fleeting moments of happiness and joy but soon after comes the sudden anxiety of..what if... what if the scan says no baby, or what if I make it to 12 weeks and then(can't even write the word).... what if there are abnormalities, what if, what if... You can drive yourself nuts.
I think most well informed mums to be have some of these fears but not to the extent we do, because we have read all the things that can go wrong and have been conditioned by the IVF process to expect the worst, to believe that success in IVF is about 1 in 3 and may take many tries and years to achieve. After running a marathon, a 9 month sprint seems totally alien. Oh yeah, then the 18 years after that.
Or perhaps it is because at the high point when you finally get your BFP, it suddenly seems totally intangible and not something you can grab hold of like a completed work. Because damn it all, this THIS (after x amount of tries, fears& tears) is only the beginning. WTF!!
It's not wonder we become exhausted, lethargic or depressed. All the energy used to get to this point, and now what......you're supposed to be like a regular mum to be, as if all that other bit didn't happen. No wonder we feel exhausted, lethargic or depressed - or just plain confused.
I also recently googled 'pregnancy blues' and found out that yes even that is a thing, you can get pre-natal depression, as well as post. Just one of the many symptoms women may or may not get.
Happily I felt better today, after two days of feeling low. So I think I may be safe enough. I too get my first 8 week scan this Friday, and the wait up to this point has been bit of a roller coaster. Hoping that if I see a scan photo it will seem real at last and I can start to believe.
I've also ordered a couple of pregnancy relaxation CDs, can't hurt eh.
The good news is that each stage of pregnancy may bring new feelings and symptoms so just when you feel a bit down it can lift as your hormones change again.
Keep talking, and you are totally normal though I suggest you ban yourself from Googling and buy two good pregnancy books and use them for it all.
What fab advise and so lovely in a bitter sweet way to know I'm not alone. In fact it makes me feel much more positive as I believe in you and your pregnancy so therefore think why am I questioning my own! So glad you replied thank you, thank you! So true what you write about being conditioned due to IVF. Another bitter sweet feeling! Thank Gil for NHS and IVF possibilities, frustrated by the feelings it provokes still!
So excited however that I've found someone so close in dates with me! Let's stay in touch ... I feel like we are in a very elite club that outsiders try but just can't understand! x
You are definitely not alone in how you feel. I am after my first round too and got my bfp last week. I feel incredibly lucky and feel like it's not real. I have a 6 week scan on Friday. I had a quick look at nursery furniture but it was only to figure out where we would have space. Other than that, I am not going to get carried away, I've had 3 mc, all very early, and I learned from the first one not to plan too far ahead. I got carried away that time, looking up Pinterest for nursery ideas, started knitting a blanket and all sorts. Then it all went horribly wrong, and like you, I had a missed mc. This is constantly in the back of my mind and I keep thinking this could happen again. I just want to see a nice developing baby (or two!) at my scan on Friday but even then I know I won't relax until January when I hopefully reach 14 weeks.
By the time I'd had my 3rd pregnancy I was completely on edge and couldn't relax with that pregnancy. I was able to recognise quite quickly that things were going wrong. It's a year since then so I feel a little better, maybe I'm just hopeful as I know this is our best chance at success. But even now, I don't know for sure until the scan because the progesterone can fool you with its side effects and I believe it also prevents a bleed. Things definitely feels different this time round but I don't know if it's good different or not! So, I have all these thoughts going round in my head too!!
That, added to the fact it's Christmas season coming up and nights out with workmates and friends, who are all going to be pointing out that I'm not drinking and asking why, etc. I actually think I'm going to skip a lot of the socialising this
Christmas because I just don't want to have to face all that crap after everything I've been through. Besides, the tiredness is something else, I'm in bed around 9:30 most nights now!
So, know that you are definitely not alone and I'm quite glad to hear that my thoughts and feelings are also relatively normal.
My staff absolutely knew at the weekend charity ball when not only was I drinking sparkling water in my champers glass but I was also caught by my hr manager having a lovely dry retch and taking some air after dinner! Oops!
I too will now be avoiding such events!
I am so sorry for your mcs and have every faith this is your time.
Thanks for sharing your journey and keep me informed x
Well, things just got a lot more real for me after my 6 week scan! But I'm not sure if I feel any calmer or not. We found out that both embryos made it and I have twins developing! I thought all along it would be lovely to have twins and was secretly hoping we would but now I'm freaking out slightly at the thought of it and all the logistics with having 2. Anyway, it's still early days but it was lovely to get a scan picture, I wasn't expecting to get one so early. We go back in 2 weeks for another one so hope to see heartbeats then.
I think once you have your scan, you'll start to feel differently about it all. It definitely feels more real now and reassuring that all looks ok so far. You have yours on Monday, don't you? Best of luck!!
Oh my goodness how incredibly wonderful! 👶🏻👶🏻What a blessing.. It will be perfect, you'll cope and logistically you'll just make it work for you when the time comes. Keep me informed along the way though please ❤️
Yes our scan is Monday, again don't know if it's in my head or I'm just getting used to the symptoms I thought I had before but I feel less pregnant than ever. 😞 Feel like my boobs have stopped hurting, feel like I don't feel sick any more... This is torture - I've never wished away a weekend like this!! Roll on Monday... Sorry all!
Still beaming for you and the thought of twins! I would love love love twins but only had one put in however I hear there is still a higher chance of identicals than those that don't have IVF... It's in my mothers side and im the skipped generation 🙏 I'm over 30, 5ft 11 with a slightly higher end BMI.... All the things they say is more likely....wow now I'm letting myself get far too carried away! I'm just 🙏🙏🙏 for at least one little bean and a heartbeat ❤️ Dx
Thanks Danidoobs! I feel like you're more excited about my twins than I am!! 😊 I think once I pass 12 weeks it'll all come together.
I gave up symptom watching. I was feeling my boobs every day and every so often got worried they weren't as sore as they should be any more! I also haven't felt that nauseous at all - had one or two moments of nausea but nothing major. It's the tiredness that's really getting to me now.
I've read that about the rate of twins in IVF as well, and they do say women over 30 are more likely to have them, so you never know. Hope it all goes well tomorrow, not long for you to go now.
Congratulations!! I think it must be normal when it's something you have wanted so long, you don't quite believe it?!
I got my bfp very luckily on first go, I had a total melt down last week as I keep thinking something will go wrong. I've done 5 pregnancy tests just to make sure! I have my scan 2 weeks today 😁
I'm sure you will feel different when you see your baby wriggling on that screen xxx
I understand how you could feel that way sweetie. I felt numb for a while. It's a natural reaction to what you're going through. You have the worry if everything is OK but also it's just so unbelievable after so much wanting and waiting that your baby could be here in a few months time. My friend has said pregnancy is a journey itself and along the way you piece the baby together as a real person. The morning sickness, the scans, getting bigger, first kicks... I'm at that stage now where I can feel the baby move a few times a day and it's anotger little reminder they are there. Give yourself time to get to grips with everything and don't be too hard on yourself xx
I agree with everything the other ladies on here have said. I think it's only natural not to allow ourselves to get too excited in case it is cruelly snatched away from us after all we've been through to get this far. I bet we don't stop worrying when out lovely little bundles of joy finally arrive either! For me the 7 week scan and seeing the heartbeat was an initial turning point and I started to relax a little and stop googling every little thing. My 12 week scan was another big step as everyone now says the risk has significantly reduced. I'm now 15 weeks and just started telling people in the last couple of weeks but I now have this crazy irrational fear that the act of telling people will jinx it all. So please believe that the way you're feeling is completely normal - not being excited is probably your body's way of expressing that fear that we all have. Hopefully in time we'll all start to relax and really enjoy our pregnancies. Good luck with everything! x
Congratulations Danidoobs123, you deserve your BFP! I'm sure you're incredibly glad you posted your thoughts as you've had wonderful replies from the lovely ladies. I can also relate to how you are feeling, though my daughter is now nearly 5 (as a result of our 3rd ICSI cycles & 6 years of trying). I really tried to enjoy my pregnancy as I knew it would be my only one (I was 46) and once I felt the baby move and I started to show, I did enjoy it more, but of course, after having a miscarriage, I was always afraid to go to the loo just in case...... Of course every woman is worried but it is 100 times more so when you've gone through what we've been through. Someone I know said when they finally get their BFP, they'll be like a rabbit caught in headlights! And that is so true - you've concentrated soley on trying to get pregnant and jumped thru so many hoops, that when it finally happens, you're in unknown territory - somewhere we feel we dont belong because we've wanted it for so long and so badly. Looking back I would say be gentle with yourself about how you're feeling, - miracles do happen. Listening to relaxation and visualisation CDS are a good idea and wait for the pregnancy books and looking at nursery stuff until you feel more ready. It isnt easy and others wont understand unless they've been there (but you're used to that!) but you are a lovely normal woman.
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