Heartbroken and angry.

[Jaky76]

Felt I needed to link in with others who understand... I am on round 3 of IVF, first time BFN, 2nd round BFP but miscarried at 8.5 weeks in October and this round BFP that I was happy but kept guarded. I had scan yesterday at 7 weeks 4 days and was carrying twins but both stopped growing and I have to now contact early pregnancy unit regarding miscarriage. I'm in shock as all seemed OK and within that hour yesterday my world shattered. I'm doing this alone with sperm donor, I'm 39 and after 3 rounds of high drugs, alot of money as had to go private as they wouldn't fund me..the time and emotions have floored me and I am numb as to what to do, all I want is to be a mum and I get robbed of it again. I have one egg in freezer but not sure if I can even begin to go through heartache again...anyone else been in similar position? Good luck with all your journeys xxx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to hear this heartbreaking news...massive hugs to you.  Life is hard enough without this journey and for that to happen to you again is beyond cruel.

Have they investigated why you keep having these miscarriages? Have they run tests?  Nothing I say will make you feel better.  I have had m/c before and an eptoic and feel the pain.

Take time to grieve and if you feel ready to go again then do its in the freezer so there is no rush. This forum is a great place to get support from.

Massive hugs to you xx

[Jaky76 in reply to Hidden]

Ah thanks, No I left the clinic yesterday and they said to contact them in a couple of weeks re follow up. They are strange as had no bloods and everyone seems very laid back about it. Yes this is cruel we all have to go through IVF and then this on top....Thanks for your message and wishing you all the best xxxx

[Tlove]

So sorry to hear this Jaky. As TamTam mentioned, you need to get tested for recurrent miscarriage. I was tested when I'd had 2 because I have no prior children. I  am in Ireland but I assume the policy is similar. They found a blood clotting disorder (Hughes Syndrome) for me that is manageable in pregnancy with anticoagulants. I had 3 losses, all at 7-9 weeks and although you might not have the same, Hughes is a known cause.

 Also, I am sure the epu will outline your options to manage the miscarriage but hard and all as it is, do consider a d&c if they can analyse some tissue for you to find a cause. I chose to complete mine naturally and afterwards realised I was missing this crucial information and it was something I regretted as I could have had further information and closure.

Lastly, take plenty of time to grieve. I didn't take enough time off work and really wasn't ready to go back when I did. I did go to counselling too, which helped greatly. Further down the line you can think about that frozen egg again. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. x

[Jaky76 in reply to Tlove]

Thanks for your lovely reply. I know its going to take time to heal and going to have my up and down days, I am currently cuddled up with my Jack Russell who as been my saviour in all this heartache. In round 2 I had Aspirin and in round 3 I had Aspirin, Clexane injections and Prednisolone but still all didn't help. I had a D &C last time and think I need to get down early pregnancy unit tomorrow, I put it off today as could not face it. I am so sorry to hear you went through 3 losses, may I ask after being diagnosed with Hughes syndrome what did you take? Have you been successful carrying? Really appreciate you responding xxx

[AllyR]

I'm so sorry. Nothing we can say will make you feel better right now. I had a bfn yesterday but it's our 4th try and we already have a daughter from our 3rd icsi. I was almost 41 when she was born so don't give up yet but don't wait too long either. Best wishes for your recovery. I hope you're receiving counselling. Hypnosis can really help. Xx

[Jaky76 in reply to AllyR]

Thanks for your kind message, I am so sorry to hear about your BFN, you must feel pretty lousy too and managing to send me a supportive message.  I have been on pretty high drug doses over the last 15 months and then getting pregnant twice and then having loss my body really is all over place but being 40 in September I don't have much time to sit back. I for a moment thought no way can I do it again, but within hours even though I am so sad something is telling me not to give up. Will have counselling soon and I attend a fab support group. Hope you look after yourself and much luck for the future, lots of love xx

[Hidden]

Thinking of you xxx

[Jaky76 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much xxx

[pm27]

Hi Jaky76,

I'm really sorry to hear you've had a second miscarriage, it's so cruel especially after everything you've been through. I found The Miscarriage Association really helpful after my second mc of naturally conceived identical twins, we found out at the 12 week scan that they had died at 8 weeks. 

I would ask for recurrent miscarriage screening when you are at the EPU. As I had lost 3 babies from 2 pregnancies in a year they did th blood tests but it didn't show anything of significance. I had aspirin during round 3 and prednisolone in rounds 1 and 2 and still got BFNs. 

Have you got friends or family to support you at this difficult time?

[Jaky76 in reply to pm27]

Thanks so much for your response, and I am so sorry to hear about your losses, it is so cruel and unfair, will get in touch with The Miscarriage association. I have been attending a support group this last year that helps too, but at the moment don't have the energy for talking. I will ask tomorrow for testing as 3 babies from 2 pregnancies too so hopefully will test. Yes I am lucky to have good friends and family, although right now I am better alone, everyone tries to help or say the right thing, but they don't quite get it, that's where you ladies come in, with comforting words and things to think of asking for when my brain a mess. Have things turn out positive for you since all your heartache? sending lots of love xxx

[pm27 in reply to Jaky76]

We're slowly moving on, there are good days, bad days and so so days.  At 43 I've got to try to accept that I'm not going to be a mum.

I hope that you have success with your frostie. 

Take lots of care and be kind to yourself. 

[Jaky76 in reply to pm27]

I am sorry to hear that, Wishing you lots of love whatever Journey is ahead of you xxxxxxxx

[Daisy14]

Hi Jaky76  

I am so very sorry to read this, it must be truly heartbreaking. I can't comprehend how you must be feeling but I didn't want to read and not reply. I had a mc on my first round of IVF in November and it was truly heartbreaking and life changing. Things that helped me were the Miscarriage Association and talking to women in a similar situation. Counselling via my clinic was also really useful.

Allow the grief and sadness and take all the time you need to work towards some peace. I hope you have good people in your life to to turn too.

I know age feels like a pressure, but do release yourself from any immediate pressure and be super kind to yourself. No decision will make sense right now so leave the thinking for another day, even if two weeks away. Lots of lovely ladies on here to support you.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and wish you every success in whatever the next step will be xxx

[Jaky76 in reply to Daisy14]

Ah Thanks, will try and be kind to myself, sorry to hear of your Miscarriage and thanks for sharing with me. yes there are some really amazing ladies on here and nice to not feel alone, Hope all ok with your journey. Lots of Love Jackie x

[Mrsjj]

❤️

[Jaky76 in reply to Mrsjj]

xxx

[Hannah143]

So sorry to hear your news, what an ordeal for you, my heart goes out to you. Take the time out to heal before you make any decisions and also give your body time to recover.    I'm 38, 39 in 2 weeks, so in the same camp as you, all I want is to be a mum. We got our BFN last week on our 3rd round of IVF.  This time it's broken me, I'm at a loss with why it didn't work and feel very low and desperate.  We have one in the freezer but very worried about implantation as it hasn't worked before so why would this one work over the others.  So many unanswered questions.  

I totally understand how you feel sweetheart and here for you if you want to chat.  Its a cruel process and we have to find strength and peace to enable us to want to try again.  My thoughts are with you 😘 Xx 

[Jaky76 in reply to Hannah143]

Hannah, I am so sorry to hear your got a BFN again, have all 3 rounds been like this? I totally understand how you cant make sense of it all, Have you been on the long protocol?  I have spent the last 15 months either on treatment or preparing for it and I'm lost at the moment, My friends and family try and say the right things, I know they want to help but right now I am better on my own. I am the same as you with one in the freezer but I feel what is the point of using if I cant get it to stay. When I heard in the scan room that both babies didn't survive, my first reaction was I cant do this again...but just afew hours later I thought...yes I can...I want to be a mum and must continue, there has to be a way....I cry, have a mope and then I have to pick myself up.......you will find strength again....just may take you some time...thinking you  too and thanks for your lovely message . Lots of love Jackie xxx

[Hannah143 in reply to Jaky76]

Each time we do it we get a better result, as in numbers of fertilised embies and better quality, so that's a positive.  I had 2 transferred each time, so 6 embies.  The third round had a grade A and a good grade b transferred.  I also took Hepren and Clexane alongside the cyclogest pessaries.  And we still got a negative.  I've been doing lots of research and writing a list of all the things others have tried and I'm going to take this to our consultant on the 18th May which is when our follow up is.  

I know you've had a really long and tough journey and I hope that you find  peace and happiness soon.  Xxx

[Jaky76 in reply to Hannah143]

Ah that is head doing, all seeming to go well, and A grade, you must be pulling your hair out. Good luck on the 18th, let us know how you get on and be interested to hear what the clinic thinks...we will get there...I will book in for follow up soon, just need break from there at moment. Lots of love Jackie xx

[Jaky76]

Thanks lovely ladies for all your kind and heart felt words, Well I went to my Early pregnancy unit yesterday, after a few hours they admitted me and I had a E.R.P.C(D&C) under GA, they said as it a multiple pregnancy then surgery the option and not natural miscarriage. I was pleased with this as don't think I could cope waiting and seeing blood, emotionally better for me. I asked for testing as had now lost 3 babies from 2 pregnancies. They said that they would not test me as had only 2 miscarriages and only when had 3 i could be tested. Frustrated. So much has happened in 3 days, just trying to take it all in. Think i may book into GP and see if she can help....sending lots of love and hopeful vibes to all. Lots of love Jackie x

[Tati14680]

I am deeply sorry for you. Sending you all my love. Don't give up hope but allow yourself to grieve. You are a mum of babies with wings, they never experienced fear just love, allow that love to heal you. I am here if u need. Hug.