What if i can never be a mummy?


Me and my husband have been TTC for almost 5years (no pregnancies at all) and have been married for 3 of those. ALTHOUGH we have been together 8 and not really used protection for 7 of them. I am 23 years old and got diagnosed with PCOS almost 6 years ago now. We are currently going to Calderdale assisted conception unit and have so far done 3 rounds of Clomid and I also take 2000mg of Metformin. And it has been a struggle getting here, I have lost 3 stone and then told I have to loose more before I try my next 3 rounds but I am stuck at my now weight. My GP is very supportive in this and is currently helping me but last time I went he told me I was depressed and it wasn't healthy for me or any future baby to be under so much pressure and recommend talking therapies. But I am scared to go see someone who doesn't understand the struggles etc I know exactly what is wrong with me I want to be a mum and what if I can't be? EVER! I am literally grieving for something I've never had.

I would really appreciate some guidance on what to do now and how to take myself forward to be stronger not just for me but for my very wonderful understanding husband.

thank you

Leigh x

11 Replies

  • Hi Leighcarine.

    Sorry you are feeling down although I can assure you that you have plenty of time to become a Mummy as you are still so young. When you've been trying for a number of years it is natural that you feel down about it and some talking therapies can really help. I personally found it really hard to talk to friends and family about my struggle with infertility. Trying some relaxation techniques such as meditation and yoga can also really help you to find some inner calm.

    It is also worth pursuing some alternative methods to help with your PCOS. Acupuncture is quite good and they sometimes recommend specific dietary changes which might help with the weight loss (and being hypothyroid I can totally appreciate how hard it is to lose weight when you have certain conditions!!).

    Good luck with your quest to become a Mum and try to take it one step at a time. It is great that you have a supportive GP as that can make a big difference.


  • Aww, thanks for your advice.

    I will definitely try acupuncture I have heard mixed reviews about it but I suppose anything is worth a try, right?

    I think what I find hard is I personally know nobody who has pcos or infertility, so nobody understands why I am so upset and they all say I have plenty of time etc but i am still going through a really difficult time.

    I suppose you don't understand until you have to deal with it.


  • You may also find a local support group for people going through fertility problems where you might encounter other people with PCOS. I personally lost 6st with weight watchers and knew a number of people on there who had PCOS but who were still managing to lose weight (albeit more slowly). It is hard for other people to understand it and to me it is a very private process of grieving you go through so I do understand. That's why this forum is so helpful. All the best for your future endeavours X

  • All I can say is I feel your pain! I've been TTC for 9 years, have tried IVF once privately last year but had to lose over 4 stone to do it on the NHS. I've taken up running and have lost 60lbs, with just 3 to go now to get referred. I feel physical pain when people tell me they're pregnant, it's so incredibly tough as I know our chances are low - I have low ovarian reserve. I'm 33.

    My DH and I have agreed we'll consider adoption if IVF doesn't work. We've talked over the years about what we'd consider and what we can afford. We agreed that the important thing for us is that we have a family, so if IVF doesn't work, we know what the next steps are.

    This is a horribly painful experience but all I can say is that I understand. We all do on here. I've considered seeing an infertility counsellor - why not try that? They'll understand what you're experiencing. I grieve for what I can't have, especially when people tell me they're pregnant, and I think that's natural. I have always wanted a family and it's so difficult when it doesn't happen.

    Good luck. K xx

  • To both you and the original poster ... Keep going on the weight loss (and massive congrats so far!). I was there 2 years ago desperately trying to shed 4stone ready to start IVF. It took blood, sweat and tears but I did it and am now 6 weeks pregnant after our first successful IVF cycle. Miracles happen and all I can say is although it seems like a massive mountain sometimes and those sad feelings often cloud you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there... It will all be worthwhile I promise. There is no greater motivator than becoming a mummy... Wishing you all the baby dust x

  • You are grieving for something you never had lovely- absolutely. I have done talking therapy myself- CBT- and did find it a benefit at the time, but that was 2 years ago (ttc for 4) and I'm back in that dark place but worse than before. Again my GP suggested cbt again and whilst I can see its better than nothing, i do think for me an infertility counsellor is the next step. Try the talking therapy yourself and see how you go- it did help me cope with how my thought processes affect my emotions, techniques and mindsets etc on how to manage those a bit better. Good luck chick xx

  • I was ttc for 15 years no pregnancies failed ivf icsi now 12 week pregnant there is hope x keep strong. If your desperate to loose weight try the Cambridge diet x good luck

  • I will look that up. Thank you xx

  • Well done on losing the weight.

    Infertility is really hard no matter what your age is and it is about grief/loss. I imagine most of us on here have thought about it not working and facing life without children.

    I've experienced periods of depression and went back on anti depressants after my failed first round of ICSI and a friend's pregnancy announcement shortly afterwards. I've stayed on them as a preventative measure as I was concerned about the emotional impact of the continuing the treatment.

    I've had CBT and have done reading on acceptance and Committment therapy and mindfulness, it has helped. I shall access some more counselling if our third (and final) round is unsuccessful. I've had sessions with general counsellors, the counselling is about you and helping you process your thinking about it so it shouldn't matter whether the person has experienced infertility or not they should be able to support you.

    Wishing you all the best.

  • Hi ladies,

    I want to thank you all for your support, I joined this forum for someone to speak to and vent to and I am glad to have such nice people to talk to. I have never had anyone to really speak to before. So thank you all very much 😊


  • Hello Leigh

    I saw a counsellor whilst we were try. She understood exactly how I was feeling and it really helped me to work through my feelings including the grief. Afterwards I felt calmer, much more relaxed and in a better place to start IVF. I'm not saying it stopped hurting after I saw the counsellor but it did get easier.

    Good luck x

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