Another new baby in the family

I few days ago I found out that my sister in-law is pregnant again. I’m usually ok with pregnancy announcements as I’m happy for the people I love to be blessed with a baby and I wouldn’t wish what I’m going through on any of my friends and family but this one has upset me for some reason.

My brother in law has never been very grateful to be a dad and moans to my hubby that he’s not ready and feels trapped. Also it took them almost two years to get pregnant the first time and they were on the verge of getting a fertility referral but he refused to stop smoking or do any samples saying “it’s not going to be a problem with me.” This made me so angry as my hubby has a male factor problem, so what makes him think he’s so special that it couldn’t happen to him!

As well as this we’ve had a few pitying calls from family along the lines of “are you ok with the news” I can just tell they are doing the head tilt and the commiserative look – do you know the one I mean? I just hate the pity and people thinking they need to walk on egg shells around us.

I feel so conflicted. I hate the fact that I’m not happy for them, what an awful thing to think! But I just can’t help feeling sad about yet another family baby announcement.

Sorry for the rant. I have very few friends that are childless now I don’t really have many people I can talk to about how I feel. xx

4 Replies

  • Hi Vickal, I completely understand how you feel. Everyone coping with infertility says they're happy for their friends/family when they announce they are expecting but feel sad for themselves. That's usually true for me too. But when my brother-in-law and his wife announced they were expecting after 1 month of ttc, we had been ttc for 1 year and had just started our tests. It was a completely overwhelming time for me and this news was incredibly painful. I couldn't muster up any enthusiasm only anger and upset. I felt guilty about feeling this way but now I realise it was perfectly normal. It was only a feeling. There are no judgements in our feelings.

    I expect the comments your BIL made while they were ttc came from fear that it was him. He sounds quite immature to me so my advice would be to ignore his comments (regardless of his frustrating they can be!).

    I can also relate to what you say about your BIL not really appreciating how lucky they are too. My BIL and his wife seem to think their baby is an accessory that can be dropped off and picked at at times to suit their life style. They're currently off on holiday leaving the baby (who is a few months old) with a family member for 3 weeks! I did read somewhere that families who have IVF are happier than those who conceive with naturally. Maybe you could casually drop that into conversation next time you see them! Lol! 😉

    It's hard not to look at other people's lives with envy but, try to focus on yourself. You will have your turn, and when you do, it will be truly amazing and you will completely appreciate it.

    Take care x

  • Hi Vickal,

    You are not alone in feeling like this at all! I know it feels wrong but I think it's totally normal. My brother and his GF are expecting their 1st baby in August. They're really young, have barely been together 5 minutes, he's had to move in with her mum, the baby wasn't planned and it just feels so unfair. They're not ready for it at all, but seem to think that buying everything under the sun is the right way to go, it's like it'll be an accessory for them! - they literally have no clue! it's so frustrating.

    This will be my 1st nephew and I am so excited to meet him but can just see all the drama that's going to come along with it. It feels wrong that the excitement is tinged by disappointment.

    So please don't feel wrong or bad for feeling this way. The moment you meet your niece/nephew you'll love them dearly so don't fret, I totally understand where you're coming from (sending you a virtual hug)

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. Focus on you and your journey. Like Hopeful1982 says, when your turn comes, it'll be amazing and perfect (despite all the nappies and crying hehe! Just think how hard we'll have worked for our sleepless nights :-))

    Lots of love xx

  • Pregnancy announcements are really tough. I think what you are feeling is normal, it's certainly similar to how I felt when friend announced pregnancy less than 2 weeks after our first failed round of ICSI. Her baby is due in 3 weeks time and whilst I'm delighted for her I wish I was pregnant too. I'm a bit anxious about how I might react when I meet the baby but she's a really good friend so will understand if I get a bit upset.

    Take care of yourself.

  • This is completely normal to feel this way so don't beat your self up about it it's very hard to deal with I struggled so much especially when people would actually moan to me about being pregnant !!?? When my brother told me he was expecting after trying for 2 months I cried all night as was so upset it wasn't us 1st as we had been trying longer cause that was not fair in my mind his baby girl is nearly 1 now and we are 8 weeks pregnant , you almost feel cheated out of your turn but unfortunately these are the thoughts that go with infertility but it is perfectly normal many women in your position would have similar thoughts.

    keep your chin up and keep thinking that will be you soon ! Good luck and baby dust xxx

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