Grief is such a strange beast isn’t it? I was doing ok towards the end of last year. My work was getting back on track and I was mentally stronger. This year the pain feels raw again. I lost my baby 25 weeks pregnant in March 2023 after my 24 week scan showed my baby hadn’t grown beyond 6 weeks. It was a very traumatic experience for me, I suffered badly with pain (anyone else feel like the endo makes it worse??) and had to be hospitalised for two days. The hemmoraging and the amount of time it took to actually pass all my pregnancy tissue was insane. I bled for 30 days.
this was my first pregnancy after not trying for very long with my current partner. My previous partner was emotionally manipulative and drilled it into my head that I wouldn’t make a good mother.
On top of having endo and being nearly 35, the ache and longing for a family hasn’t gone away. But I’m still so scared of going through anything like that again. So much pain. Not really sure what I’m saying or asking advice for but just trying to get these words and feelings out in an effort to feel better, and maybe feel less alone. Thanks for reading.💔
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Meriel_Owen
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Sending you a hug, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I think grief can hit us at anytime, it’s one of the hardest things in life to go through x
You are not alone. Yes grief is a funny thing, there is no right or wrong to grief. It has a nasty habit of creeping up on us and rearing its head when we least expect it. Anything can trigger it, a date, music, a place, a programme on tv, anything. I will always remember finding out I was pregnant the day before my 30th birthday. Sadly little one didn’t make it. I had what they called a missed miscarriage. The baby didn’t come away and they had to operate. I had an awful RAF Dr that said “ so your baby’s dead, did you want it?” It was the most awful traumatic thing ever. I lost two more and then had a ruptured ectopic. Not long after that I was widowed. I eventually remarried and lost two with my second husband. I had a hysterectomy last October due to endometriosis and bleeding constantly for 7 months. I will always be sad that I could never have children. Talking can help. It’s hard to make people understand that haven’t been through it. Sadly the medical profession dismisses miscarriages as just one of those things or bad luck all too often. I’ve only ever heard of one consultant saying that humans are pretty rubbish at having babies really as there is such a lot of things that depend on your body playing ball and your hormones being right and being plain old lucky that all is well, it’s a wonder we manage it at all. But then all of us who have been through the loss of a baby at what ever stage can stand and scream that we did that miracle, we proved nature wrong, we did get pregnant, we did fight for that little one. It took the hospital 20 years to find out why I couldn’t carry a baby and that was only during the hysterectomy. I hope the hospital and the doctors were kind to you. As for trying again, that is only something that you can decide with time, gentleness and support. Talk to your GP if they listen, have a health check, go from there. I got into the frame of mind that if I get pregnant I get pregnant instead of thinking we’re trying for a baby or all the ovulation tracking, date tracking etc drives you crazy. Good luck, be gentle with yourself, you are not alone.
My lovely, I am so so sorry to read what you have been through. You have my heartfelt sympathy.
I have also experienced a missed miscarriage, it has probably been among rhe hardest experiences ever. I can understand not wanting to try again after the experience - as I felt the same. I don’t have any easy answers but just wanted you to feel you aren’t alone and going through the pain of loosing your unborn child is no small thing.
Maybe talk to your partner about it and if there is a friend that you trust too. I lost mine nearly two years ago and I’m only now able to start talking about it more openly. Sending you my best wishes x
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