Feeling alone with a complicated situation

[BluePanda77]

Hi all,

I wondered if there’s anyone on here that has gone through anything similar….

I have stage 4 endo and adeno- I’m having most of my bowel removed and who knows what else in a surgery in December but all that is almost beside the point.

I’m in a same sex relationship, we’re engaged and want to conceive. We’ve been advised we need to do three rounds of private IVF before any NHS offer is available. I’ve been told by drs I’ll have a more difficult time conceiving, and we don’t want to sink all our savings into me trying since the likelihood is low. So my partner will carry.

I know I’m lucky in a way to be in a same sex relationship where we have a second womb to try with. However, it is breaking my heart in a big way that I am looking at never carrying at all. They’ve told us it must be the same person who has all the private care to try via the NHS so financially it just doesn’t make sense for me to try.

I’ve always dreamed and feel so close to the idea of carrying a child and to know now that I can’t even try is genuinely ripping me apart. I don’t want to feel conflicted like this if we’re lucky enough to conceive. I’m so stressed I’ll be resentful. I know that’s awful but endo has made everything so complicated.

I know I will come to terms with it eventually. But right now I almost feel like I’m grieving- especially since every month I pass decidual casts (which when I needed to go in to a&e as I was blacking out, the dr laughed and said ‘gosh it’s like you’re a having a miscarriage’) and am just consistently reminded of the whole thing.

Sorry to vent but I just wondered if anyone has been somewhere similar. I feel like I’m battling a situation where I’m totally alone in my feelings.

[Cailleach]

I don’t have similar experience, but my heart does go out to you. I had always hoped to have a child, but a string of unsuccessful relationships and then the news that I have severe endo , eventually forced me to realise that it would not happen. It is a really hard thing to come to terms with.

I guess it is a grieving process, letting go of the dreams or expectations that you had for your life. It will always be there as a regret, I would think, it is for me, but as you say it is going through that grieving process now that you need to address, especially if you are also supporting your partner in going through IVF and hopefully pregnancy. Perhaps counselling would help you having someone outside the situation to talk to? Either for you individually or with your partner?

You are going to be both going through stressful times, you having major surgery and her having IVF which is no picnic. I wish you well xx

[Elsidee11]

hi bluepanda, I do not have a similar situation but I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I don’t know the extent of your endo, any exactly where it is - but I don’t believe you should start grieving yet, you are so young and ivf has worked for many women with severe endo/adeno.

I know it is really difficult to see past this, but there is still a chance and there’s so many options. For example, if your partner was first, successful and was lucky to have remaining embryos frozen, you could then try and carry or you could try ivf and if successful, your partner could carry your embryo. There’s so many factors, and ivf can be a long a tiresome road (I’m in the thick of it myself) - but I just don’t want you to lose all hope so early.

It’s also worth speaking to a fertility specialist as well as your gyno. Wishing your surgery a success and sending hope your way x