Bad day

[Poppyg16]

Hi everyone, sorry to be a bit negative today but I’m feeling very alone. Does anyone else feel like they are full to the brim with worry and exhaustion all the time that can be contained and then it takes just one little extra drop of worry to totally send them over the edge and overwhelm?

Im having one of those days/weeks and I’ve got to wait a few days for test results, not for me but for my dear old cat and I’m finding it worse than when I’m waiting for my own results from tests!

I just don’t seem to be able to cope even with even little hassles and the simplest tasks too at the moment, I haven’t sleep very much all week and pain levels, menopause symptoms and bowel really bad. Also strong pain killers not bringing it down to a manageable level. Another week of being bed bound and I’ve got a really short fuse. I can’t even stand being around other people as making conversation is too much. My fibromyalgia has also really flared up so pain from head to toe.

I know it sounds selfish but I’ve been finding the rubbish summer easier to cope with than the last few sunny days as the rainy ones make me feel less guilty and frustrated at not being able to go out and missing yet another summer. Oprah Winfrey once said a rainy day doesn’t demand anything from you!

I’ll be fine soon, it will pass, just needed to get my feelings out today where I won’t be judged for being a winge bag.

I know I’m lucky to be under the care of a specialist endo centre and have hope that I should get my operation before the end of the year so can focus on trying to get some quality of life back in 2024.

Hope you are all doing as well as you can and having a chance to enjoy this brief bit of summer.

Peace and light to all

Poppy

[PotatoSalad]

love and solidarity to you and your little old baby, Poppy. Cats really are the best things ever in my opinion. I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep and today is a fresh one.

I’m with you on the rain, it allows me to rest.

[Poppyg16 in reply to PotatoSalad]

Thank you for the reply. I did get some sleep last night so feel slightly better. I have had really bad dreams for years now which I put down to anxiety and the strong pain meds and only had one of them last night. I have been told by one medic that tramadol can cause very vivid dreams, they can just be exhausting when it’s all night long.

My dear little old cat is resting and relaxed today too after having his breakfast. Just preying his results show something treatable as he was on quite good form yesterday evening pestering me for the treats (they are healthy ones, just freeze dried fish the vet recommended) I keep in a jar by the bed that I give him when he visits me throughout the day! I think a visit to the vet upsets me so much as I have the same anxiety reaction as a visit to the hospital for myself. As for waiting for results my life is lived between test and scan results, scanxiety, as I also had breast cancer and reconstruction 6 years ago but often need checkups when something changes but these are usually due to scar tissue from the reconstruction and radio therapy or little cysts that need draining. As any endo warrior who’s had multiple surgery knows scar tissue can be an unknown and changing entity anywhere in the body.

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who likes the restrictions and lack of pressure on a rainy day!

Im going to take my pain meds, get a hot water bottle and focus on the womens football today for a few hours of escapism. So lovely to see strong empowered young women doing their thing in a man’s world. Women are at last slowly being more seen which I hope will transfer to medical issues too. I often wonder how they cope with periods during matches as even without endo I’m sure they must feel a bit off their game on those days.

Hope you have a good and restful weekend

Poppy

[moonghost]

Waiting and waiting for things to happen that are out of your control is a huge mental drain, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about when you feel bad. It is bad! It sucks! I’m right there with you. My energy levels are so low, whenever I’m actually out and about I have to take painkillers to manage all the aches and pains, and then I’m exhausted afterwards. The summer being a washout has been a bit of a blessing in disguise for me too. I finally have my second lap next week to remove endo - I hope yours happens soon too.

[Poppyg16 in reply to moonghost]

I wish you all the best for your operation and a speedy recovery that will hopefully let you get back to a better life. I know it’s nerve racking but by this time in a couple of weeks you will be moving forward, not just playing the waiting game.

I know we all have no reason to feel guilty, it’s not our fault, but society these days seems to put pressure on to ‘remain positive’! We don’t need others to tell us that but I personally find it very patronising from others who have never experienced any of the challenges we go through. I’ve even had people say to me ‘I don’t do illness’! You just need to get on with it!

My next op should be before the end of the year as I’m on the ‘urgent’ list. It will be my 11th abdominal surgery, total clearance hysterectomy and bowel resection so I know mostly what to expect and that empowers me to plan and make sure I have all in place that I need. I’m post menopausal so now longer feel a need to hang onto all the bits that have given years of hell. For some reason the endo in me is managing to grow post menopause! My hospital kit always consists of some flavoured juice to make the water more refreshing, moisturiser, lip balm, a head ache cooling stick, sanitiser spray, hand held fan and off course toiletries, loose clothing and big, soft generous pants 😀

All best wishes

Poppy