well loved but feeling depressed.

[Sweetyassi]

Hi,

I don't know how to start, I've just joined this forum and this is my first post.

I've been ill for the last 5 years. I don't work due to my illness but I'm hoping to start looking for part time work in the new year. I recently had an operation, I suffer from endometrioisis and adhesions and depression.

Last few months have been difficult for me, my hubby is the only one who works, he has been stressed about my health and his work. He's not happy where he is working and I understand that he needs an outlet, to talk about things, get things off his chest. I also need to get things off my chest but I dont, I can't. When my hubby is in one of his moods he will give me the silent treatment and sometimes not talk to me for a few days, but he will speak to our children as normal. My hubby won't even look at me even if I've done or said nothing wrong.

I can't tell him how this makes me feel because again he will give me the silent treatment. He tells me that I can tell him anything that's on my mind or if he is in the wrong, if I do tell him I get told off and will get the silent treatment, I can't win. I love my hubby so much, we've been through so much together, but this silent treatment which is happening more often is breaking my heart and making me wish I had died on the operating theatre.

I give my hubby the space he needs, when he's ready to talk me if acts as if nothing was wrong. I don't ask him why he stopped talking to me I just let it go. I'm recoving from my op and can't handle stress because my stomach hurts and am worried the stress will bring back my pains which can and has happened in the past. I'm Feeling so depressed I just want to cry all the time, but I can't so I'm always putting on my fake smile pretending that everything is fine.

I can't talk to anyone, I don't even tell my daughter how I feel at times. My kids ask me is dad talking to you yet? Why is he not talking to you? I just say I don't know maybe I said something to upset him when I know I haven't.

[belindascott]

Hi, I feel the same way as you, I work part-time, I have polycystic kidney disease with a kidney function of 32%, I keep having time off work due to me being so ill. My partner works full-time and hates his job but also he is a landscape photographer and wants to do that full-time but can't because of me. He makes me feel very guilty and carries on at me, saying I should be working full-time to help him be a photographer. I have been depressed for many ears but have never told anyone about it not even my GP. Eventually I will have to go on dialysis or have a transplant, I don't think he realises what I will have to go through. Try talking to your husband and let him now how you feel, you are only human at the end of the day.

[andy52 in reply to belindascott]

Hi Both of you,so sorry for you I just started dialysis, had my third treatment last night.

And today is my birthday!!!!! Was in for treatment on the 23 when had a VERY bad pain in my left him area . Doctor came could not find what was wrong..

Came home ended up with a very bad tummy bug............ so that was Christmas!!!!!!!!!

Be glad to chat to either of u. XXX Andy

[belindascott in reply to andy52]

Hi Andy, hope you are doing ok, I have just read your message, how are your kidneys?

[Chin69]

Sometimes men can be a bit child like, when they give you the silent treatment they have something they want to say but they want to be asked what's bothering them. The best thing to do if they open up is to listen, even if what they say may bother you. They may say something like before you were ill we did more together, or since you've been ill my life has become miserable. Don't take what he says personal but try to find ways to help. With my husband since he works full time and I have a couple of small cleaning jobs, technically I have more time, so when I am feeling fit I clean his office make him his favourite food, plus I go fishing with him and watch football even though I'd rather do something else. I have to say fishing is very relaxing. Since life sometimes revolves around us and our sickness they feel left out! Don't forget once you are on dialysis you will feel better, especially straight after each session, and if you are able to have a transplant your life will be almost normal again. So don't see the future as something worse than what you are feeling currently. For yourself always eat healthy food lots of fruit and veg. Don't eat processed food. When your stomach (gut) is healthy you will feel healthy. Also since processed food contains salt and chemicals your body especially your kidneys are working harder to clean out the toxins. If you don't already, making healthy smoothies are a great way to get plenty of fibre vitamins and minerals. Also find the time to exercise even doing breathing exercises helps. When you feel well your whole family will benefit.

Take care I hope I haven't said anything out of term. X

[angelasutton51 in reply to Chin69]

I feel so sorry for you both thank heaven I have a very caring lovable husband , he will do anything for me , I do agree that men are childish but I would be asking them to consider how I'll you are , and how they are making you feel miserable, bless you both hope things get better for you take care x

[Dedalus]

I do think you need to talk to your husband - try explaining calmly the effect his 'silent treatment' is having on you. If he gets annoyed and shouts etc then ask one your kids if they would mind being a go-between. That isn't nice for any of your kids but you are the one who needs support at the moment, as the stress of all this must be hindering your recovery too. You definitely need to have this all out in the open - it will probably be beneficial for him too - good luck xx

[Sweetyassi]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for replying back, it means a lot to that I'm not the only one. I hope everything works out for you Belinascott with the dialysis.

Happy Birthday to you Andy52 hope you have a wonderful day.

I have told my husband about this and he just doesn't like it, although he has said that I can talk to him about anything even if he does upset me, but when I do I still get the silent treatment, I don't really want to involve my kids, they do know when we are not talking to each other and they do try to cheer me up.

[belindascott]

nice to read all emails about every ones problems. It is nice to talk to people and find out information.

HI Andy, hope you are doing ok with the dialysis, let me know how you are getting on with it.

[munukashyap]

Hi, I have been diagnosed with pkd for more than 2 years now. I have hypertension, anxiety and a bit of depression. I work very hard for my family. I have lost my dad, brother and sister in law. Apart from my child there are 3 children to take care of as they don't have their parents. 4 months back I started to have abdominal bloating and had to go to A&E. I am still going through the test. Recently I went through X ray, blood tests, endoscopy and ultrasound but they couldn't find anything apart from cysts and the enlargement of my kidneys. I struggle to sit up for hours as it gives me back pain and discomfort. My work is very stressful as i work with vvulnerable people (mental health/drugs/alcohol). Due to funding cut the work load is too much. So i am off work but finding it difficult to stay home as my wife keeps on telling me things in a very sarcastic way. At times she shouts at me for very minor reasons. I am always scared from inside thinking she will start saying something again. As I have anxiety and hypertension it makes my condition worse but it hardly bothers her. I try to do most of the things at home like cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping and taking of our child. It doesn't make any difference to her. Instead she talks about seperately or reporting to social services for no reason. I am praying to get better so that I can return to work to get away from this situation and save my relationship with wife but the investigation and the treatment process is taking too long. I am feeling so helpless. I have given up all my hobbies, friends and other interested activities that I used to do. I am also not able to support other family members . I really don't know what to do!!! It is so hopeless!!!

[Sweetyassi in reply to munukashyap]

Hi Munukashyap,

Sorry to hear that you are suffering, I really hope you get better and get some answers regarding your health.

I'm Scared of talking to my hubby in case I say anything that might cause him to give me the silent treatment, or get angry and shout at me. I just wait for him to start the conversation so I get a feel of what kind of mood he's in. Most of the time I stay quiet.

I can't do much around the house or take care of anyone but myself, but I always manage to take care of my kids and hubby, don't know how I do it.

Have tried sitting down and talking with your wife calmly? Does she listen to you when you tell her how you feel?

Maybe a clean break will do you good I know it's not what you want to hear, but stress can make your ill health a lot worse and you don't want that. Sometimes I feel like i need a clean break, but we have been married 20years and we do have ups and downs, but when your ill and no one understands how difficult life is its hard to see the good side, then depression kicks in as you can't talk about things you want. Being healthy is very important, if you don't have good health you can't work or do the things you liked before you got ill or move forward in your life.

[munukashyap in reply to Sweetyassi]

Hi Sweetyassi, thank you so much for your advice. I have tried so many ways to avoid confrontation. Today she even told me to leave. I love my child so much that I cannot live without her... I am still trying to find a way to adjust....just to be with my child. I think she is the only reason that I have pulled myself so far. But you have very rightly said about the idea of clean break which I may try. It is hard though but I may try. Thanks

[Sweetyassi in reply to munukashyap]

Hi Munukashyap,

I really feel for you. I love my children and couldn't live without them, like you my children are my motivation to keep going to keep on living.

Could you not take your child with you if you decide to leave?

[munukashyap in reply to Sweetyassi]

Hi Sweetyassi, I am trying to resolve it without any confrontation so that my child won't suffer. If everything works out well then I will leave it other wise I may have to fight for her. I am praying for the best. Anyway thanks again.

[Sweetyassi in reply to munukashyap]

Good luck, hope everything works out for you the way you want it to.