Camomile Tea.

[Eirich]

Dear Diary,

29th July - 03:05

Sleep time 12:00 - 02:00

Well big up me, day number 5 of my sober life has come and gone and so far it's been quite a refreshing time. I consider myself to be a lucky alcoholic if there is such a thing. I do not feel the need to have a drink in the morning to get myself going or that I have the DTs if I try and stop. My issue with the booze is that I cannot control it, it controls me. It controls my every move, my life & work and it controls my finances. Beer o`clock in my home was always around 2:00 on the weekends or the minute after I get home from work during the week. I drink mostly at home, or on the many occasions that my dear wife and I head out for a Sunday lunch. being 53 does put a stop to being social with the guys on a Saturday night at the pub. A typical night for me would have been coming home from work, grabbing a can of Stella, and not your wee cans, oh no, it has to be the 568ml pint ones. and downing that in the time it took to have dinner with Mrs E. then it would be the usual chitchat about how each others day was and then I would head down to the living room with another can of beer and a very large G&T, leaving Mrs E to scan through MumsNet catching up with all the latest scandal on Assistance Dogs UK or some other fascinating read. That would be it, that was me in my element. Beer in hand, G&T beside me, and some movie on the telly that I had seen a dozen times before but I still can't ever remember the ending. Roll on 5 hours, Mrs E had said her goodnights a few hours before and headed to bed, I had finished my 6 cans and made an incredible dent in a 75cl of Gordons Gin (nothing but the best) before stumbling to bed waking up the cat on the way by having a near miss with her tail before falling into a troubled sleep brought on with thanks to the booze. 5 hours later, I am up showered, and ready for work. Breakfast has been missed of course but I can catch up with that at lunch or close to dam to 3 pm. Before returning home and having the cycle happen again and again and again.

Take all that I have just said and multiply that by at least 15 years and 10 st. (I`ll ask the Americans to work out the lbs)

Why is Mrs E still with me? Well, she has her own issues. Certainly not as bad as mine but like me, the booze controls her life. She does not consume anywhere near as much as I do but she has admitted that a bottle of wine every weeknight and two plus at the weekend is too much. You see, we enable each other. We have both tried stopping in the past only for one of us to submit defeat and cave into the pressure of the booze and for the other to happily accept defeat and offer support by joining the other in a small glass of wine. Just a small one remember as we had been off the booze for a few weeks and we are certain that we can now control it and not the other way around. Just a small one.

As I sit here at 3:34 (insomnia) with a cup of Camomile tea at hand which BTW I found lurking at the back of the cupboard which was bought but never used the last time we decided to kick the habit. BB date Feb 2023? It won't kill me, will it? I think back to everything that we have done in the past which was controlled by the booze. Family weddings that we left early as I was driving and I wanted to get home for a drink, holidays abroad ruined due to the many fights we would have when we drank too much in the sun, our home and garden much neglected as we never had the finances or the time to carry out improvements. The list goes on.

As I said, if there is such a thing then I consider myself lucky. I have for some reason managed to keep my job, my loving wife, and those close to me. I have never been a violent drunk unless you consider my drunken rendition of The River or My Hometown to be murder in the wee small hours and I have always maintained my dignity. (unless I'm singing) I am also very lucky that I have Mrs E who has also started this journey with me again and the support that we give each other must see us through as we have both admitted that if we don`t get off the booze this time then we may never.

Please do not feel sorry for me.

I am taking it one day at a time. I stole my header quote from one of the greatest fitba players who had gifted my team, Paul Gascoigne.

"I don't know whether I will drink again in my life but I didn't drink yesterday, I am not drinking today and I'll try not to drink again tomorrow."

Anyway, that's the gist of it. I am pretty sure some of you will relate to this

It's time for me to get back to bed to try and get some rest.

Take care and have a nice weekend.

E 👍

[FatOldMan]

That could have been me writing that, apart from going to work and the camomile tea. As you will know very well, the weekends are the hardest so stay strong and remember what it's like getting up in the morning (or middle of the night) with a clear head and ready to face the day.

I have just read that last bit again and thought "that's rich " I don't even follow my own advice and only usually stay booze free for about five days at a time but at least every time I try to stop it's a step in the right direction as it's less harm done to my health and finances

[Eirich in reply to FatOldMan]

Hi mate, thank youfor your reply. I have read all of your comments on this forum and can see that you are struggling. I am no expert, if I was I wouldn`t be here. But listen, get those 5 days under your belt ok, then if you need to have a drink then have it but please do not wake up at 3 in the morning feeling ashamed that you drank again. Instead wake up and thank yourself for stopping for 5 and drinking for one, then reset and try for another day off the booze. If you feel that you have let yourself down after 5 days then that will make you feel that its all worthless and that you can never stop and you will think whats the point of even trying. Get today out of the road, reset your commitment and try and stay sober for one day. I look forward to reading more about your journey. Good luck.

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador]

You are right. You are one lucky alcoholic. To still possess those areas of your life is a blessing. But I’ve heard it said often, that if an alcoholic continues to drink, he will have problems and his problems will get worse.

I was able to stop before I lost my daughter. But not before losing two marriages. And a whole lot of relationships. I still had my job, but would have lost that too.

I relate to your story and would find myself “struck drunk” whether I wanted to drink or not.

I need Alcoholics Anonymous. But that’s just me. There are plenty of in person and Zoom meetings to attend. It’s given me a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Thanks for your post. It reminds me to stay sober today.

You can't outsmart a drug

How many times have I tried switching drinks, only drinking when the clock strikes noon, only drinking as much as my wife drinks, only drinking if I had on a certain set of clothes? How many times did any of these strategies help control my drinking? Never of course. I also tried to do it my own way to stop drinking. I joined a health club, increased attendance at Church, took up guitar. None of these strategies worked either. "You can't outsmart a drug" is a variation on the saying, "I've never seen anyone to stupid for sobriety, but I have seen those who are too smart."  The key to staying sober is following suggestions, not making them. Don't think you can recreate the wheel by creating your own program of recovery. But to follow suggestions, you must make some hard decisions. For example, you may need to take steps to stop being the victim in an abusive relationship. Better to change a pattern of defeat, than risk relapse.        

TO DO:

Be humble enough to trust someone else's direction. Don't listen to the committee meetings in your own mind. You need to NOT think for yourself now because your brain has been getting you into trouble. Do what counselors, the Big Book, your Sponsor and 12 step people tell you to do. Good for you for letting go!

[Jampacked]

You are doing great! You can treat yourself to a new box of camomile tea 😅there are some fab night time teas out there that might help with the insomnia

[Eirich in reply to Jampacked]

Thank Jam, Camomile tea was the only thing available at the time. I must admit that it's not the worst but not as good as Ovaltine, but that's a different addiction.

[Jampacked]

Chocolate ovaltine is absolutely the best you're right.