looking for peer support

[nappingqueeen]

just found my way here through the NHS app.

I have a problem where I don't know when to stop. I often drink by myself at home too, but can successfully limit that to a drink or two usually. However, when I m out with colleagues, I cannot stop going to one place after the next, and then the next. I have too many drinks and then either say things I shouldn't or make choices that hurt the ones I love.

My worst night was when I woke up and realised what I did that night could ruin my entire life( not illegal, just a bad person). I cannot tell anyone because they will not understand. I know now it's a horrible thing I cannot undo and I never want to be in that place again. I know I did it because I was drunk. I need to stop.

I want to talk to someone who has been through a similar experience, because I know a therapist will just tell me to be honest and admit it to the person I hurt and I just cannot afford to do that. I am wondering if it is possible for me to just make better choices and be a better person now that I've realised I have a real problem.

[Isinatra]

You aren’t alone in your experiences. Most people who have an alcohol abuse disorder are just like you. Making amends are important, but usually done after an extended length of sobriety. There’s a healthy process for doing it, too. You have to be guided through it with other people who have been where you’ve been. I found those people in AA, and they are people who stopped drinking. Making amends is just a part of keeping one sober. It’s so much more and almost impossible to do it alone. Sometimes therapy is needed, too, but therapy is best received with a sober mind first. The only way I could guarantee all the negative things I did while drinking didn’t happen again was to get rid of the cause and the cause was alcohol. So what do you think?

[nappingqueeen in reply to Isinatra]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I don't think I'm mentally there yet to go to a meeting, but I've already reached out to my local therapy service, I've faced the reason I did what I did, and had no desire to drink since the incident.

I just want to know that it's ok for me to take time to process my anxiety and feelings before I make amends, especially since the person doesn't know it happened. I don't think I'm in the right place to face that yet, and I feel like if I do it now, me promising that I am going to change and be better is just words until I have shown that I can actually do it. I feel that once I've actually turned my habits around and tackled the issue that made me drink in the first place, then I'll be able to talk about it and really show that I never ever want to be that person again.

Is it fair if that's what I feel is the way I can handle this, or am I crazy selfish? I'm scared that if I bring it all up straight away, my world will crumble and instead of having the motivation to get better, I will spiral further down.

[Isinatra in reply to nappingqueeen]

Yes, of course, it’s ok to take time before taking on the additional stress of making amends. It’s not a selfish thing. It’s a process to get there and to do it when you feel it’s the right time for you. The additional stress right now could start you drinking again. I’ve seen that happen to people with problems with alcohol many, many times. I hope your therapist doesn’t push you to do something you aren’t ready to do yet. There’s a big connection between therapy and alcohol abuse and a knowledgeable therapist can help you make that connection and it shouldnt be done in a hurry. The most important thing is you don’t want any repeats of your past experiences. In AA, sometimes making direct amends aren’t recommended, especially if the amend in itself could hurt another person . So far, that hasn’t happened in your case. That’s where guidance comes in. Determining which way is the best to go. You are accepting responsibility for your actions and that’s a huge step in the right direction. It indicates good character. Give yourself credit for that.

[nappingqueeen in reply to Isinatra]

Thanks, this actually has been really helpful. I just really want to get better, and I don't want to hurt anyone with that process.

I just couldn't weigh up all by myself if honesty is always the best policy when it can cause hurt.. as long as I'm being honest with myself now and making a real decision to fix things.

[Isinatra in reply to nappingqueeen]

😊👍🏼

[Sullirugby94]

Sounds familiar, im staring to relize its time to stop x

[Meantto]

I know how you feel I gave up for over 3 months then relapsed …. It’s so hard … I too was looking for support a peer to help but that doesn’t come easy I’ve learned. I wish you well on your journey stay positive and strong is all I can say to you at minute sorry. By the way I have no peer but hoping one day maybe

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador]

I stole money. I committed adultery. I was a terrible single mother. I hurt my parents, grandparents and friends. I ruined many a social function. Woke up in strange beds. And wanted to emotionally die. In fact my soul was dead.

I have a disease. It’s called alcoholism. I can’t stop once I start. And am powerless over whether I eventually pick up a drink or not.

I tried at first to control my drinking. Then after I hit a telephone pole in a blackout, I decided I wanted to stop totally. Discovered that I couldn’t.

I’ve been sober for quite some time now and have had the opportunity to make amends. I am finally free a day at a time.

I didn’t/don’t do it without outside help. When you become “mentally ready” to try AA, PM me and I’ll take you to a Zoom meeting.

Good luck.

[nappingqueeen in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I'm glad you're getting there, even one day at a time. I'm giving it a good try so far, haven't had any urge to pick up a drink again since making the decision.

I think the amends part is mainly what I want to know about. Did it take you a long time to make those and was it worth it in the end or was it just stirring the pot, bringing up who you used to be? Only if you want to answer, of course (here or in a DM)

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador in reply to nappingqueeen]

I’ve DMd you.