Evening depression

I'm writing this just as the sun comes up and I feel very hopeful for a good day. As the day progresses little things will agitate me to the point that I have to go off by myself. My wife asks what's going on with me and I don't know how to respond except that I'm depressed and I don't know why. Most of the time my mood just makes her angry and that makes things worse for me. I'm in the habit of having about 4 oz of bourbon after dinner and that tends to make things worse to the point that I can't have a conversation with my wife. At that point I usually just curl up in the bed and go to sleep. I wake up feeling fine and optimistic but very guilty about how I acted the night before. I might also mention that I'm dealing with quite a bit of chronic pain in my joints. However, if I do it early enough in the day I can walk a couple of miles and loosen things up. The joint pain remains but it's much easier to move around. This is the high point of my day emotionally.

13 Replies

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  • Both of you need to acknowledge that you suffer from depression and will have episodes when it is debilitating. Let her in on this. She can't "fix" you, but she can participate in treatment and she can support you, but not if you shut her out. Have an honest discussion with her when you are in an elevated mood. It may be as simple as saying, " my gray cloud is back." When you go shuffling off to bed, then let her assist you. I used to just hold my exbf when he was depressed. If he wanted to talk I let him. If not, we were silent. The mood will pass. Then you move on to your normal routine. Then when you see your GP or therapist, let her go, too. It's your disease, but it affects you both. If you were prone to seizures instead, you wouldn't just drop to the floor & expect her to walk around you. She'd see you through it & participate as part of your health support team.

  • Alice, thank you for your reply. I will try talking with her again.

  • I wish you both the best!

  • Hi I feel the same as you as though I can only cope with the amount of things happening during the day and it all becomes too much for me by the evening. I cope with this (and have done for around 30 years) by going to bed just for an hour. It's not even to sleep but just to relax and let my brain quieten a bit. It gives me a break from the depression.

    When I get up I feel much better. Try doing this but without the alcohol as this is a depressant and makes things worse in the long term.

  • Thank you! I'll give the nap a go. Sans bourbon

  • Good advice, I have done this too, resting your stressed body is not going to hurt, it will do you the world of good. Just read or listen to music in bed and you will come through. Try not to sleep in the day, my mental health doctors told me it will only zap your Vitamin D which is what we need to stop the lows :-)

  • I also love to have a drink before bed. My other half used to comment on it but i needed that to get my mind off things. It's so hard to switch off. And with the way you are feeling i understand it's hard to compromise in relationship. Be sure to communicate with your wife. Try to tell her that you need her help and warmth not coldness as it'll make you guys drift apart and its awful

  • Thank you for your response. I agree communication is crucial and the coldness is deadly. When I'm low it seems that talk is fruitless and would do no good. When I'm not low it doesn't seem necessary....things will level out and maybe I'll have a good evening.

  • Evening times are when our adrenaline diminishes to allow us to rest otherwise we would never sleep and get ill even more so. See this as time for you and your wife to chill together. She will need to go with it if you feel down and you need quiet. Our brains can only take so much be kind to yourself

    All the best

  • More than anything she needs to get on board and start giving 200% because that's what you need right now. I knoe that if she'll do so you will notice and give back tenfold. She just needs to put in an effort. It's her time to do so right now

  • Hi Gizzieboy communication is crucial, even if you don't feel its necessary. Maybe an hour or 2 of alone time might benefit you but tell your wife that this is what you need, don't just ignore her and not tell her anything as this will make things in your relationship harder. I used to ignore my feelings and not tell my husband anything and this caused things to become a problem between us, I have now realised that communication is the key and this makes things a whole lot better, it will make your wife feel that she is needed and she will be a great part of your healing and make things that much more bearable for you. I think you need to drop the alcohol though as this is a depressant in itself. Use the evenings for you and your wife to have a relaxing time together even if it is just sitting there watching a film together. Your brain can only cope with so much. I wish you all the best and hope you get things sorted. Take care,

  • Thank you Nessie. I spent my first 52 years living alone, married to my work, a non drinker, very lonely. I'm 65 now and am still very poor at inter -personal relationships. I love my wife very much and have step-grands and step children that I love like my own.Thetes no good reason for me to be depressed but it happens. You're right about the alcohol. It adds to the problem ...but the problem makes the drink even more appealing. I will work on that.

    Thank you very much for your reply.

  • You are very welcome hunni. I hope you now have things kinda figured out?? I understand the drink being appealing as when you are under the influence it kind of numbs the pain for a while. The only problem is that when you sober up the problem is still there. I wish you good luck and hope you get the help that you need hun. Take car.

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