This forum has magic that I do not understand. With many thanks for everybody who replied to my previous post, and special thanks to Wolvesmad who somehow kicked my ass and whose words got through to me.
So I did it. I decided to change, even though I expected to sit on the couch with it thinking why would I even bother to change. BUT! I didn't. I did a warm up exercises that could be a stand alone 10 min total body cardio:
youtube.com/watch?v=KakbbW7...
My stomach was all over the place. I was tired and panting thinking why the hell did I just do it. How am I now supposed to go for a run? So I pour myself a glass of water and had few sips. I put my breathing and heartbeat to the level of "OK, I don't need ambulance anymore". I thought, OK I am tired, I am hot, I am in my running gear. I put headphones on, additional fleece headband, buff, shoes, I started my app to let me know every 5 min that I am doing amazing, I set a goal of 15 min (very optimistic of me). And I opened the front door. The cold air hugged me tight. I did half of a step back, took a deep breath, and got out.
Straight to very slow jog, that transformed to slow jog quite fast as I was cold - not enough layers on my hands and lack of gloves. My stomach definitely wasn't in a mood for running and I kept thinking "should I pause to have a quick empty-stomach-on-the-side moment?", but I kept going ,pardon me, with a lot of burping, and all sort of unpleasant noises. I did very small loop. After about 7 minutes focusing on the next 10 yards or so, running just because it was warmer than walking. I got warm just near the end. I happily cross the door after 13m44s of total run time (see photo). Did first 3 strengthening exercises (the ones with the small bands) from:
youtube.com/watch?v=Er7HFJ1...
Followed by some stretching. By body ached thanking me and cursing me at the same time. Thanking for finally moving my butt (literally) and cursing that I didn't do anything for so many days in a row.
My rewards:
- no guilt
- warm shower
- early in bed (still doing things, but under the warm duvet)
- happy body (at least most of it)
- hot tea with honey and lemon
Still looking for:
- joy
Thankful for:
- this forum
- my running family
- friends in here
- my body that it survived
- my mind that it knows when to ask for help (with the biggest chance of success 
)
Don't give up! Just go! You can do it!
I am not sure I wanted, but I knew I needed it 
As I am mentally struggling a lot recently, I am looking forward to those feelings. I share the feeling that I never want to go out. I almost always am happy that I did. 
👍 job done... couch can have you tomorrow.
Now I am in warm arms of my bed
Feeling way better than before 