Assessing the damages (and making new ones)

It's been a hard month; since I lost my job I fell back into depression and, not having to go to the office, I ended up housebound and binge eating (putting on 4kg in 4 weeks :( )

Things improved a bit last week, when I had a job interview that seemed positive, but yesterday I was informed that the company chose another candidate.

Anyway, as last night I couldn't sleep, as soon as the sky became light enough to see the path I decided to try breaking this negative mindset with a "test run", to assess the damages of a month of inactivity.

So at 3:30am I am out; I do my 1km warm-up walk and I start to run but after just three steps I feel a sharp pain in my right knee. When things like this happen to other runners I always recommend to be prudent and stop... and usually I would have followed my own advice. However today it was important to keep going; stopping and heading back home after three steps would have very likely resulted in me giving up running for good... so I bite the bullet and keep running through an ever increasing pain. I manage 2.5km before I have to stop; it is a pretty short distance but it is enough - in my head, at least - to call it a "proper run". I keep walking away from home, in the hope that the pain will ease enough to run a little bit more... but it doesn't - indeed, quite the opposite - and after a further 1.5km my knee gives up and I tumble.

So here I am, laying on a deserted path at 4:10am, unable to get up... let alone walk. It takes almost half an hour before I am able to stand and one hour and a half (and an astonishing amount of swearing) to limp my way back for the 5km that separate me from home.

Now I am laying on the couch, awaiting for my GP surgery to open and discover how much damage I've done.

This is most certainly not my luckiest period...

P.S. despite everything, the renewed appetite for running I feel now is worth all the pain; hopefully I won't get stuck on the IC for too long.


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33 Replies

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  • Oh I'm so sorry to hear all this! I hope you are not in too much pain and you get to see a doctor soon. Life can be disappointing at times can't it and yet you have shown real grit and determination by trying to get out and run. I doesn't seem like it at the moment but I'm sure things will turn around eventually for you. You will heal and you sound like a great guy, anyone who doesn't employ you must be mad! Virtual hugs sent ๐Ÿ˜Š

  • Sympathies and hugs mate. I really hope life gets better soon.

  • It will.

    But, in the meantime, I'm done waiting and hoping for a better time; it is time to focus on making the most of the "here and now".

  • Well done for getting out there @Secan- sorry things aren't so good for you at the moment- hope your knee isn't too badly hurt and you can get back running soon. Lots of love x

  • Oh Secan, I can't believe this has happened to you - especially as you felt you were turning a corner.

    I hope the knee is not too bad and recovers quickly.

    Surely things can only get better now. You're a lovely guy and the fight back has started! Big hug. xx

  • Oh Secan. Poor you. May I give you a virtual hug? You seem to be in self destruct mode at the moment and no wonder. Losing your job is a really traumatic thing to happen. But please keep checking in here for support. Many of us have suffered from depression and are familiar with that feeling of being lost and cast adrift. Get your knee sorted and let's hope it's not a major thing. When you do g,et the go ahead to start exercising again, then take it easy! Run slow. Read the book 'No need for speed'. Because my guess is you were running like a man possessed to try and quiet the demons. Stay strong and don't comfort-eat. Easy to say, I know, but it is counter productive. It doesn't comfort you in the long run-just makes you more miserable as you put on weight. That's enough pontificating from me. But please take care and let us know what the Dr says.

  • I am sending you love, hugs, support and strength ๐Ÿ’• I wrote down this quote when I was in the depths of a bout of depression and, while it can sometimes be a struggle, it always gives me hope. "Everything will be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end" I hope your knee is nothing serious and you will be back out there soon. I know Job hunting sucks but, like the first few weeks of C25K, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

  • Secan, it's only a matter of time and numbers until you convince a new employer just how wonderful you are. You have a mini fan club here, so there's absolutely no reason why you can't work that wit and charm face to face. Good luck at the doctors. At least you can do some core strengthening exercises until you can run again.

  • Can't bear to think of you laying there all that time secan :( while you are with the doctor..I hope you find the courage to let him know how you have been feeling? Wish you recovery.. mentally and physically.. here to listen anytime..just a message away.. x sending healing thoughts x

  • Just want to send you some positive thoughts and echo sparky66. Hope doc can help you and its only a short time on IC.

  • It will all come right. The knee will heal, the jo9b situation will become rosier. I suppose the big lesson to learn right now is patience and it is a hard one. It is ok to indulge a bit now and again, we are not fitness robots so don't beat yourself up about that. Let us know how you get on with the GP and bit by bit let's turn it around again. There's a bright red ferrari in there somewhere Secan, it'll roar out again.

  • I'm so sorry to hear this, secan. All I have to offer is that this too shall pass - it may not seem like it at the moment, things may look bleak, but they will improve. Just take it one day at a time.

    I hope your knee is not doing too badly! Please let us know how you get on with the knee troubles, and know we're all thinking of you.

  • Job hunting is the worst. I did my couch to 5k and much of the 5k consolidation while job hunting, it took the best part of last year to get something permanent. During that time I did very poorly paid online work, housing benefit paid my rent, and the kitchen was perilously near to the room I spent most of my days in, in fact I ended up 2 stone overweight overall, but that was to do with other issues too. But I totally understand the drive to break the cycle, to get out there and be a strong, capable, fit running person. That feeling was what got me started. I would just want to say, you aren't at a now or never point with running, however bad things feel. You know you pushed yourself a ridiculous amount last night. But your knee will recover. You will find a job, eventually, and you will always have a drive to run. I just wish you'd reached out a little sooner! But at least you've done it now, broken the psychological self-destruct cycle that is, even if it involved mashing your knee in the process! Keep us in the loop how it all goes, take care :)

  • Oh that sounds scary secan,being out on a road and injured and unable to move for a while.๐Ÿ˜• hope you have got your knee looked at ok and are starting the road to recovery. I know very well how hard it is to get out of depression ,sending you big hugs and hope this is the start of a positive change for you and that you knee problem is not serious . (((( ))))

  • Thanks.

    The knee will hopefully be sorted out tomorrow morning, as today my GP's surgery was fully booked. The good news is that it doesn't hurt if I keep it bended therefore I'm spending the day impersonating a flamingo... XD

  • Hope you are not hopping around too much on your good leg though!๐Ÿ˜•take care of yourself x

  • Hoping your knee is now a little easier. Very sorry to hear how low you felt, but as others have said you have turned a corner in your effort to regain yourself. Wishing you all the very best.x

  • Secan... just hold in there, focus on now, not next, and take it one day at a time.. never was our mantra more pertinent...slow and steady.:)

    We are, as you can tell, quite literally, standing side by side with you.

    Love Floss x

  • Secan, that is just plain horrid! Can't begin to imagine how you must have felt when your were lying there immobilised, in pain and alone.

    This whole situation sucks! But you have to believe that you are going to get out on the other side of it - that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your knee is going to heal, you are going to go back to running, the depression will subside and you are going to go back to work!

    I'm sending you lots of comforting thoughts and positivity!

  • Sorry to hear things have been bad for you Secan. I hope that knee isn't too damaged. Do keep us updated on how it's going, Best wishes for better times ahead.

  • Ha, it's the living embodiment of that "Smile, be happy, things could be worse... so I smiled and I was happy... and sure enough things did get worse"

    Now listen up. Whatever the GP prescribes (and you *will* mention the depression and the binge eating as well as the knee, won't you?), I'm prescribing (and I know the rest of the forum will back me up on this) a check-in here one way or another, let's say 2 or 3 times a week. You are known for your encouraging and realistic posts so if you really can't face talking about yourself I am sure you'll have something helpful to say to someone else and maybe whilst you are being kind to someone else some of that kindness will sink in with you.

    Please do this or I am going to have to add another 10 squats to my morning on top of the ones I am doing for Rignold.

  • Ten more squats?!? No, I could never do something like that to you; I promise ;)

  • Oh flippin eck Secan, what a to-do! I hope your knee injury is only minor and 2 I'll be good as new after a rest

    Ease up on the eats though while you are laid up! Wags finger

    GoogleMe is right. keep checking in here as we can help cheer you up. Oh yes we can ๐Ÿ˜Š

  • Blimey you have had a tough time. There was me feeling all sorry for myself just coz of one bad run on Saturday. You deserve way more sympathy. Wishing you lots of luck and a speedy recovery. Your determination to carry on running is admirable!

  • Well, if there was a competition for the most miserable time, neither I would be winning it; to put things into perspective, there are far worse things than losing a job and injuring one knee... but sympathy is free so there is no need to spare it; we can both have our dose. ;)

  • Gosh - Hope the knee isn't too bad and things in general start to pick up. Well done for making that first move anyway.

  • Just want to echo the thoughts and best wishes of everyone else Secan. That was not what you needed at this time and I really hope it settles down soon. Hang on in there - things will get easier and we are all thinking of you. x

  • I echo everyone else Secan, you are such a much valued presence on this forum and I hope you get a break from all this rubbish stuff youre going through at the moment .

    Hope the knee gets sorted quickly and please like Google Me has said, please keep in touch with us .

    Sending you lots of love and best wishes and good luck at the docs xxx

  • I also suffer from depression and understand how awful it is. You are incredibly brave to face it and tell us about. I wish you every bit of luck in your fight (and it is a fight) to get better. Make sure you get seriously listened to at the doctors, get some Letstalk CBT or other therapy. Hopefully when your knee is better you can get fit again and that will help with self-esteem. In the meantime, keep sharing. Xxx

  • Another echo of the comments on here and more virtual hugs! I can empathise with the job interview stuff. I had two interviews this week and was unsuccessful although I thought they went well๐Ÿ˜ I hope the knee is better soon because running is the best medicine for dealing with life's ups and downs. Just keep on keepin on and success will follow๐Ÿ˜€

  • Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way, and best of luck for tomorrow. You're just on the IC, you haven't given up, remember that!

    Keep in touch, x

  • Dear All,

    Thank you very much for your support and kind words.

    The GP reffered me for an MRI but that will be after mid-August, as next week I'm going to Italy to spend some time with my family (so don't worry if you don't hear from me very frequently; it'll mean I'm having some good time ;) ).

    I booked an appointment with a podiatrist in Italy, to see if I can sort out my knee earlier, but in the meantime I'll have to stick to the RICE protocol for a couple of days and then swap running with something else (Iikely swimming/snorkelling) and do my strength & flex exercises.

  • Good luck with the knee, and have a good break in Italy. A change of scene for a little while will be good for you :)

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