Hello my copd friends....

[phyllis_liberty]

Well, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, and also mad at myself for doing this to my body.

Yes...I had three glasses of red wine and 3 whole cigarettes!! Newly diagnosed, and wondering why me, and all the things you beat yourself up about ...going around and around in my head. 😭

I HATE THIS DIAGNOSIS....I don't know how to accept it or deal with it yet. I'm so incredibly sad, confused, and also mad!

Just newly married 2 yrs. ago tomorrow. Yet, I'm so very depressed. I'm sorry for my new husband..having to deal with me this way.

I lost my only son 5 yrs ago due to an accidental drowning. He was 31. Hit his head, and was gone in a matter of minutes. I miss him so!

Poor, poor me. That's just how I feel at the moment.

I honestly don't want to bring anyone down. So sorry if I do that to anyone here. Just feeling down tonight. Wallowing in self pity doesn't help...I know, but I somehow feel entitled to do that. Guess the wine helped that emotion rise to the surface. I'm scared. I'm taking this bad. Why...oh why didn't I listen yrs ago....ya know?

I do know that this is not a place to whine and carry on. Plz forgive me. I'm having my very first pity party.

In the morning I will regret posting this. Right now, I just need a friend who understands.

Been Crying...and would scream if I could. I'm not afraid to die...I just can't stand to think of struggling to breathe.

To all of you....I will be right here if you need a friend.

And again...forgive my state of mind. It's a lot to take in. 😔

A friend to you all....

Phyllis. ❣

[phyllis_liberty]

Oh, and I smoked the last of the ciggies. So I'm happy there is no temptation around me now.

[USAhousewife]

In the words of the famous Pres Bill Clinton, I feel your pain. Hang in there, it's a long row we have to hoe

[Roessner541]

Is really hard to deal with sometimes I'm very sorry for the loss of your son I can't even imagine the sorrow you must feel I don't know if you suffered from depression before this my doctor put me on antidepressants and they never seem to be very much good 15 months ago I was in the hospital about every 2 weeks I had developed anxiety disorder and felt like I couldn't breathe at all and would have these panic attacks I was so freaked out I wouldn't even let my husband take me to the hospital I would call an ambulance and they would have to work on me for 45 minutes before I was calm enough so they could take these my doctor finally put me on and anxiety pill and that seemed to take care of the depression so I can just wondering if I was just anxious instead of depressed anyway I was pretty sick for a while and felt my disease is getting worse and it felt like it wasn't even worth living so I decided to do something about it and start trying to make myself stronger it is gotten a lot better because of it all I can say is try to make your life easier and take it slow and easy and hopefully things will get better for you do you give up the cigarettes though no matter how hard it is I still miss it at times but it was too hard to quit and I know now that I'll never go back to it

[phyllis_liberty in reply to Roessner541]

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm taking an antidepressant although they make breathing harder for some of us.

What did they do for you at the hospital for your panic attacks? I believe panicking is one of my biggest problems. I can almost feel myself getting worse. I wonder if its because I now know my diagnosis. Sort of like the power of suggestion you know?

I'm glad I have this place to come to. Again..

Thank you for your reply.

Phyllis

[Roessner541 in reply to phyllis_liberty]

They give me anti anxiety meds and I think daliresp helped as well. I really didn't know what was going on I just felt like I couldn't breathe all the time and so would call for an ambulance they said it was because they had said severe COPD I started taking lorazepam which is an anti-anxiety and it works almost instantly but I guess it causes early on time all timers spelling incorrect so she took me off of that and my lung doctor put me on a different and anxiety medicine that I have to take 3 times a day but it seems to be working I couldn't control the attacks either and I would cause me not to be able to breathe I was going to the hospital every couple of weeks and they would keep me for a couple of weeks I haven't been to the hospital in 15 months now and I'm doing a lot better the Panic has gone some days I don't even feel like I have COPD

[phyllis_liberty in reply to Roessner541]

You have come a long way. Good for you!! Happy to hear you have meds that help you. They kept you for a couple of weeks with anxiety? Wow...it must have been really bad.

Hang in there!!

God bless,

Phyllis

[Roessner541 in reply to Roessner541]

I hope you are feeling better Phyllis. I had a really good day today I went to my grandson's birthday he just turned 4 I drove over to my daughters walked up 3 flights of stairs and all without oxygen I stayed for a few hours and then I drove to a little store bought a Coke and drove home I used a little bit of oxygen as I always do when I got in the house and felt great I hope that you had a good day and that you will have many more just don't give up and stay strong and challenge yourself talk to you soon

[Sue02712]

My partner and i have only been together a year ans we have been dealt this news im trying to be there and support him but am struggling to not fall apart that im possibly going to lose the best person i ever met hes amazing we are trying to come to terms amd takein all the info . I cant imagine how hes dealing with this while hes at work .

[Sandra1944]

I know about pity parties.

[Feelingblessed2013]

I am sorry for the loss of your son.

As for your pity party, we are all entitled to have one occasionally, just as long as we don't live at the party. I am glad that you have smoked your last cigarette. Quitting isn't easy, but it is doable, and once all those chemicals are out of your system, you will feel a bit better.

We can't stop COPD, but we can slow it down. You took the first step, when you quit smoking.

[phyllis_liberty in reply to Feelingblessed2013]

Thank you KatherineK. Losing him was horrible. I lost a part of me that day. So...I suppose there's not much of me left at this point. If that makes sense.

I think I was grieving for Chad (my son) myself, and cigarettes last night. All of that put together.😔

I dont know if I feel better today or not, but I am doing the best I can do. That's all we can ask for right?

Thank you for your reply, I always look forward to hearing from you.

[Feelingblessed2013 in reply to phyllis_liberty]

We never get over the loss of a loved one (and the loss of a child is the worst) but we do learn to go on.

As for grieving the loss of your cigarettes, yep, you were losing something that has been a part of your life for many years (kinda like losing a good friend). But with friends like that, who needs enemies :).

You are right, all we can do is the best we can do.

[phyllis_liberty]

Thanks ever so much for your reply! I'm serious. It made me feel much better. Knowing, or even just thinking that I might not get worse, and gasp for air, makes me feel as if a ton of weight has been lifted.

I have a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Ever since my son passed away it has been real bad. I have said since that nothing scares me anymore..not even dying. When you lose a child you have nothing else worse in life to be afraid of. It's the ultimate sentence. (but breathing is natural, and I can't even think about not being able to take a good breath when I need to.)

It's crazy, but I never even noticed being out of breath much until I was told I had copd. The power of suggestion is so strong isn't it? Being a phlebotomist, I have to ask a patient, "Does it bother you to have your blood drawn." So many of them say..."Not until you asked me." haha!! So, yeah, the brain is weird like that.

Again, thanks for responding. I appreciate your words very much.

Phyllis.

[phyllis_liberty]

Lilacil,

My fev1 was 2.32 at about 12 noon today. I have no idea, but is that good? All these numbers STILL confuse me. lol. I think that is a good number, but not positive. Being 57 yrs. young, and 5'5" ..???

So, whatcha' think? (sigh). Just saying....you seem to know about numbers, and I'm not there yet.

I'm trying not to focus on the numbers much, but hey, thought I'd still ask you.

Thanks.....

[kluthj]

you are entitled we all go through that /like why me ? if it helps go ahead !! but don.t wast time live life ,

[Ldycatcoach]

FEV1 of 2.32 is good. Relax, exercise and stay away from chemicals, fumes, etc. Also stay away from people that are sick. Wash your hands often, and wear a mask in closed crowds, mowing, painting, and gardening. Doing these things will slow the progression down. You may also look into taking NAC (n-acetyl cysteine). It is very helpful for some. I'm 59 and prior to my transplant I was still fairly active on O2 with a FEV1 of .82. Now post transplant, I have an FEV1 of 2.64, so in actuality, it sounds like you are holding your own. Go to pulmonary rehab if possible. They will help to calm your fears. May God grant you the strength and comfort that you need while traveling through this valley in your life. I promise there is light. Begin your climb back to the top!

[phyllis_liberty in reply to Ldycatcoach]

Ldycatcoach,

What a sweet message you have left for me! I do appreciate it so much.

I check my fev1 often...probably too often. I bought this handheld tester, and use it a lot. However, yesterday I posted on another message board, and a Respiratory specialist told me those monitors are not very accurate. Wow. So, I suppose I can stop using my energy blowing into this thing, and focus on something else. (I'm laughing at myself right now).

Yes, this is definitely a new walk for me. God will give me strength...He always does.

When did you have your transplant? How amazing!! I'm sure you feel so much better. I have read that you have to be fairly bad ..or they won't even consider doing a transplant. Is that correct? I so wish I could get this done, before having to go on oxygen or anything. Hopefully I won't get that bad.

I'm trusting that this is all happening for a reason...for God, and for myself in some way. We don't always understand things like this, but faith pulls us through, if we believe!!

Again, thank you for your nice reply, and please write to me again. I'm really honored to know someone who has had a transplant....that is doing so well. You're awesome!!!!!

God bless,

Phyllis

[phyllis_liberty]

I just ordered the supplement you spoke of in your message to me. I am going to give it a try! It's good for all sorts of things.

Thank you!!

[peppie]

I have 2 doctors that tell me that I have COPD, I have one lung specialist that tells me that its a form of asthma . All I know is I cant breath. Cant walk 20 feet without rest. My oxygen content in my blood is in the 90s. dont know wh at is going on. I worked with asbestos for many years but have ruled that out

[Schmicter]

Hi Phyllis

I can relate to both. Lost a son when he was 21...that was 18 years ago. Diagnosed with COPD about 5 years ago. I can say it isn't all downhill. I continued to smoke until recenly (4 months quit now) and the quitting has made all the difference in wheezing, short of breath,...etc. I encourage you to do everything you can to quit and join the quit smoking support group on here. And get into a rehab or start an exercise program. You know you just can't get away from abusing your lungs for such a long time. The consequences can be severe and unforgiving. However, after quitting I was able to start exercise program. My COPD is stable and continue to feel so much better than 5 months ago as a smoker wheezing and difficult breathing, in between puffs on a ciggy. I can go to 5 K fairly easy now on a brisk walk. Previously, I would be breathing heavy rolling out the trash cans about 100 feet. So it is not all lost, it takes effort and commitment, and I am looking forward a healthy time for rest of my life.

[phyllis_liberty in reply to Schmicter]

Hi Schmicter!!

Thanks for the reply. I am sorry about your son also.

I just love it when people tell me to quit smoking now!!! Really! I hated it before, but love it now. It makes me wanna quit even more so. I pretty much have it licked ... I think.

Where is the support group on here? Oh man, do I want to smoke!!! I need all the support I can get.

I am happy to hear you quit, and that you feel so much better. I'm still sleeping 12 hrs. and depressed, and afraid about this. I know I need to get my behind up and do something, but like I tell my hubby..."I don't feel like it." Period. So...Phyllis stays in bed and all is gloom and doom for me.

I hate my life right now!! (tears).

God bless you,

Phyllis

[frissykat]

Hey Phyllis..many of us have walked in your shoes including losing children. However I'm not going to say get with it..I'm going to say feel sorry for yourself for as long as you have to because you will walk in those shoes occasionally also but enjoy what you have now as well when you can. I have serious issues but there are so many people that are worse off. I think the saddest story I read here was the woman who lived alone & none of her kids would help her very often, she had to fight through every day by herself. If you want to email me it's [e-mail]

[Sandra1944]

yes, I think we all understand it is a terrible thing this COPD but like you said we did it to our self. My Dr.s warmed me and I went on smoking. It is hard but having a husband will help you make it thru. I do have God is the only reason I am still here. Any time You need to dump you can dump on me.