Thanks for the response

[flugel1]

I did my first, new to this, and so nice to hear from every one.

Like I said, new to cll, haven't even seen the blood doc yet. Not till next Thursday.

I'm not sure if I'm in denial or really upset. I seem to be playing the "no big deal" game.

I am 78 (hard to believe) and have had much loving loss to cancer, my beautiful wife at 48 amost others. It is beound normal understanding, no answer to Why? But we can't seem to avoid the "why", I don't bother with "why me", I could make a list of things. The hardest thing for me is the lonelyness and this seems to amplify it. I never thought I would be the only living thing that doesn't die. As Woody Allen said, "I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens." The best I can do is accept life as it comes and be thankful for what I have. WOW did I just say that?

Good to communicate with you, Stephen

[Newdawn Administrator]

I sense from your posts that you don’t quite know what to make of this CLL business yet Stephen but have weathered loss from seemingly ‘worse’ cancers in loved and lost ones so are not over-reacting too much. I also have a sense that you’re trying to convince yourself that all will be ok but are perhaps more concerned about not having the support around you at this time. You’ve mentioned loneliness a few times and it’s most certainly one of the most cruel afflictions of all. I hope that you have people close to you to share this with because even if it doesn’t take a physical toll, it can play harshly with our minds.

The one thing I’ve learned is that there’s absolutely no fairness in the health lottery and you of all people know that in losing your wife at 48. You sound kind of resigned but a little unsure as to what if anything this will mean to you. In honesty, if you’re at an early stage, it may mean very little and CLL will merely mean regular check ups and more blood tests than you’d like.

You have friends on here who understand both the health and the social issues. Once you’ve seen the haematologist and have a greater understanding of your particular brand of CLL, feed back to the community. We don’t want anyone to feel that they’re experiencing this alone even though many of us feel like it’s a solitary condition even when we are surrounded by people.

Keep being creative and finding pleasure in the little things. They matter.

Best wishes,

Newdawn

[flugel1 in reply to Newdawn]

Thanks so much for your understanding and compassion, I'm so glad I found this group. Stephen

[Bubnojay]

Hi Stephen

Life is certainly a bit of a bi-ch sometimes, I often wonder who rolls the dice to determine who goes who stays, why some lovely people suffer so much while the foul ones stay healthy. But that's life isn't it, as you know more than most.

This is a lovely community and you may, like some of us, find friends on here to help you feel not so alone. I hope you do.

Meanwhile try to stay as well as you can and if you need advice, remembering we are not medical people, just others on the CLL trail with you then ask away.

Let us know how you get on Thursday.

Wishing you well

Bubnjay1

[W00dfin]

Stephen

I'm a semi newcomer having found this community shortly after starting Imbruvica 3 months ago. I felt like I had little to offer at first but then I ran across a post related to my situation. And I began participating.

W00dfin

[Hidden]

Good to hear you Stephen. "no big deal" works for me a good deal of the time but then interrupted with cll maintainance of some sort. I've almost stopped freaking out at every unexplained physical manifestation...almost. Please keep us posted, always good to read your post. be well-bill