CLL Support Association
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The end is in sight but I'm a blubbering wreck!

The end is in sight but I'm a blubbering wreck!

Hi guys!

I am now a week away from round 6 FCR. It's been a journey and I have a great sense of wanting to be home now and in my own life again. However I keep breaking down and crying for no reason ... I think it's the relief that it's nearly done... That I've done it.. I've weathered the storm .

I went to the hospital yesterday for bloods... Still neutropenic (0.67) and they have a bell to ring at the end of a cycle... I saw it..looked and thought, " that's me next week!" No elation but just tears.. The nurse was fab.. hugs, motivational chat.. humour...

I'm finding it difficult to verbalise but .. wow... I'm surviving... I'm on the road towards better health and .. normal living. Actually it's overwhelming. I want a medal or certificate !!

To HU and my friends I have not yet met..@Bella bee especially . . All the volunteers... aussi Neil I love ya!... Thank you for journeying with me. xxx

To make you laugh . my husband thinks I am batting for the other team and that BellaBee10 and I are having an affair... via Hu / WhatsApp. She makes me laugh so much!

Watch this space . .You might all be invited to a wedding!

24 Replies
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Hi Bethan

You've nearly made it. Well done. Good luck with the last round.

Sue

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Thanks Sue x

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I love you too sweet cheeks. Your poor hubby! 😂

We've had similar ups, downs and tears but luckily at different weeks.

We've had trouble with our front and back bottoms and I have wept laughing at the smashed messages you sent after infusion/pre-med day.

See you in the new year!

Not long now!!!

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Hi Bethan and so good to hear your immensely human response to all this. In terms of stressful life events this one must be up there with the worst of them! The constant state of emotion, the rollercoaster of anticipation accompanied with nausea and total normal life disturbance wondering if we'll ever emerge again to fight another day.

I'm just relieved to see you thankfully but tentatively approaching the finishing line until that bell is rung in honour of your bravery and renewal. Of course you're tearful. I bet your emotions don't know if they're at the park or the pictures!

So glad you've made a really good chum along the way in the witty BellaBee. It's the one wonderful benefit that comes out of all this wretchness :-)

Let the tears flow be they for sadness, happiness or just total confusion. We need them to flush away the madness of all this business!

Warm best wishes,

Newdawn

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Need a love button...Thank you.. crying again x

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Wishing Bethan and Bellabee a very long remission.

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Thank you so much x

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Congratulations Bethan49, that it fantastic news, and next week when you ring that bell you will have even more to celebrate. The breaking down and crying is very understandable; it has been a daunting journey for you and now you can see the light and look forward to the future with renewed vigour and optimism. We all really do have a lot to thank for the folk on this forum; they make this journey so much more bearable and comforting.

Take care and wishing you all the best for the future.

Kevin – Essex, UK 

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Thanks for your encouragement .. its so good to know that I'm normal !!!

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Nearly there Bethan, I was just looking at your post of a year ago, so look hon how far you have come, last little hurdle and you are really over the worse. The treatment takes it out of you, sometimes after I finished my chemo I felt like a rag doll who had lost half her stuffing.

Out of the blue that feeling would come over me and the tears would flow, and like you I was not sure why. Let them run, eventually you recover from the emotional roller coaster, and I'm sure others will take heart from your mail and know they are not alone.

Big cyber hugs

Bubnjay1

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Thank you...its hard being strong all the time .. just need yo know that this responseis ok ... x

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Sure it is, I got up some mornings and was just so upset for no reason at all. I like you consider I am a very strong person too. Heck it's a bit of a shock to find we are human after all. Let it all out and then go have your favourite cuppa and you will find that you can smile again. You can do it all again tomorrow then one day it just fades away.

I like you found a couple of lovely friends on this site that helped me through it.

With all you have been through just consider the tears as your release valve.

Still hugging you

Bubnjay1

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Xxxx

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I can understand your feelings. When my FCR finished after cycle 5 I felt abandoned. All that care and new relationships gone because I was well. No more treatment weeks with a lot of routine. Freedom to get on with life.

Freedom was hard to accept.Took a good month to snap out of it and now there is a new life on watch and wait. I hope you regain your energy like me. Feel 20 years younger and enjoying life.

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So encouraging .. part of me was hoping to not do round 6 ... but hey ho. wow! It's great to hear how well you feel . long may it continue x

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Hi Bethan

Your making me blubber reading your post! You have done so well.

Good luck on your last round.

Have a lovely weekend

Maria xx

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We all need to get together and cry! x

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Bethan

Go for it the last round is in sight!

Just a quick note to say it is not uncommon for those on or finished chemo to have elation and depression including bouts of crying. The research shows that the initial relief after finishing chemo can turn into both elation and a bout of depression up to 12 months after chemo is finished.

I mention this just so you are aware you are not alone!

Even I had a week of depression but was soon pulled out of it by my granddaughter lol.

It's great news that you are on the last leg and I wish you a long lasting remission once you have confirmation you can join us in the club.

Geoff

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Great that you are so close Bethan. I would imagine that the emotional roller coaster is completely normal, you've been through such a lot in a relatively short time.

The end is in sight!😀

Peggy

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Hi Bethan

I now exactly what you mean! I start my final FCR cycle tomorrow and I'm wobbling!!!

It has been a mission, but will be worth it.

All the best

Lucy x

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Wishing you all the very best .. praying all goes well and for a super long remission xxx

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Finishing treatment brings out emotions that we don't expect. It's not just the relief that we have made it, but also the fact that we suddenly are more on our own dealing with things. No more constant monitoring - not needed anymore, but it can feel very scary at first to go back to a regular watch and wait again schedule. Your big day is almost here. Ring that bell hard whether you are smiling or tearful. It's all good!

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Good luck today lovely! Last one and you did it. Xx

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Hope they ring the bell loudly, be tears I'm sure but you have done it. Yeah!

Bubnjay1

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