Responding to nasty comments

[Biffy3662]

Hi there, I’m looking for advice on responding to nasty comments from other children.

my 5yr old daughter has Ichthyosis which means her skin is incredibly dry. Very noticeably. She was at a birthday party yesterday and 2 girls told her she couldn’t play on the bouncy castle because her skin is horrible. She just walked away and came to me upset.

I spoke to one of the girls and said that it’s unkind to say things like that, just because her skin is different to hers, but I feel like I could’ve handled it so much better and I need ways to build my daughter up to respond in the best way possible.

I’m always telling her how kind, clever and funny she is and I said that she doesn’t need girls like that in her life because they aren’t very nice anyway. But I’m so worried that even though I’m doing my best, the rest of the world is still very much focussed on appearance.

she was so hurt by it and went really quiet for the rest of the day. It was heartbreaking

thank you in advance for any tips

[EvaChangingFaces Partner]

Hello Biffy3662 and Welcome to the Changing Faces community. Thank you for sharing this about your daughter, I’m sorry that she had to experience feeling excluded by her peers because of her visible difference and that she was hurt by their comments.

I'm sure there are other parents/carers here that might be going through similar situations and would find it helpful reading about your experience. It sounds like you are doing a great job thinking about how to best prepare your daughter to be able to deal with other people's reactions as well as building her own internal resources and self-belief going into the world. She is lucky to have you in her life to guide and support her.

It sounds like you care deeply for your daughter and you’re aiming to offer her the best support possible which I believe it will make all the difference to her experience.

You may be interested, also, in reading our self-help guides for parents and children - you can find these here: changingfaces.org.uk/advice...

Take care,

Eva - ChangingFaces

[rmeranda]

Hi Biffy,

Really sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. Our daughter was born with Crouzon Syndrome which affects the shape of her face and skull. She's now 7. We've had all sorts of nasty comments in playgrounds, cafes from children etc. on top of all the stares and pitiful forced smiles from adults. When we're there to advocate for her we've found Changing Faces' advice of "Explain, reassure, divert" really helpful on many occasions, and have ended up with meaningful interactions as a result of it. In the situation you described it sounds like you've absolutely done the right thing, some cases are a lost cause and the best you can do is to support your child through it (and then get support for yourself as it's sooo exhausting!).

There are good days and bad days, and everything in between. On bad days, when my daughter was too little to understand what's going on, I would sometimes snap at staring parents saying "have you had a good enough look yet or do you need a better angle???" (not recommended!). Now that my daughter's older, I just stare back with a fake smile and that usually does it. On good days I genuinely don't mind the stares and just have a nice time with my daughter.

Our daughter is really shy so she's never able to talk her way out of a nasty interaction with another child. The thing we've found the most helpful is giving her a sense that she's not alone in this world. We go to yearly meet ups of other families with similar conditions and even though none of them live close by, we try to keep in touch with them via whatsapp through out the year occasionally sharing fun photos, so the kids can see each other doing fun stuff. We've also met up with an adult with her condition which has helped. And we made friends with families in our area with other disabilities/conditions (down's syndrome, dwarfism, etc). It's helped to give our daughter give a sense that even though often she's the only one with a 'difference', there are others out there. Books and tv programmes that feature kids with differences really help as well. (Little Big Sister about a girl with dwarfism, We're Going to Find the Monster which has a girl with vitiligo as the main character, and Jojo and Grangran that features real kids with conditions at times, are ones that pop to my mind).

Like you said, your daughter doesn't need girls like that in her life, and I'm sure she's got other friends who are kinder. We feel that focusing on kind friendships and familiar settings is really important so she always knows that despite the nastiness of some, there are enough kids who really don't seem to mind what she looks like. The nastiness is not our kids' fault, it's someone else's shortcoming.

Hope you find some of this helpful. And I really hope you've got enough support around you to help you support your daughter. It's a tough journey but also very rewarding when you get to connect with others who understand our struggles.

[RebeccaChangingFaces Partner in reply to rmeranda]

Hi rmeranda - we're so glad you've found your way to the forum, we hope you find it a welcoming community.

Really great ideas, and always lovely to hear examples of E-R-D being used in the wild!

If anyone is interested in the technique, there is a set of short videos on the website: changingfaces.org.uk/advice...

Rebecca ~ Changing Faces 🦋