Hi I've been wanting to tell my story about myself for some time to the community, but It's difficult to put into words. I was born with a birth defect because of a difficult birth, forceps were used and this resulted in cranial deformation, caused by the skull fissures fusing too early. So I have a misshapen and a asymmetrical appearance to my face, head and ears. I was told by my mother that when she was heavily pregant, my abusive father had hit her in the stomach and this probably led to the difficult birth, also as a baby, I fell from a chair onto a concrete floor hitting my head. Later in life I struggled with mild learning difficulties, meaning I was always last in tests at schooll, and was always exempted from playing football because I struggled with coordination and concentration. It didn't help by being bullied constantly at school because of my birth defect, but when you get bullied you rely on your parents for comfort and help, but my father was a covert narcissist and unfortunately this behavior effected my mother, so I grew up in an abusive family, so I was bullied at home. If you don't know what a covert narcissist is, it is a truly terrifying experience, the constant shaming and blaming. By the time I got to my mid teens, I was a nervous wreck, had no self esteem and no confidence to face the world, and I failed academically when I left school, because I hated school so much and had no support from my parents, and also it was impossible to have any relationship (courting) at all that, usually part of growing up at that age. Because I had no qualifications, I struggled to find work and I tried my best, working in manual jobs, but I was always bullied at work and it was very difficult to hold down work, eventually after 20 years I had a total nervous breakdown because of bullying and not feeling valued as a person, yearsof feeling not wanted, and a word some people on here might be familiar with, feeling ostracized. I have been on long term sick because my past, I was diagnosed with PTSD, paranoid personality disorder, depression and acute anxiety, so I am unable to work and have to rely on benefits at this present time, which is something I don't relish. Over the last ten years has been a rollercoaster, with the familiar diatribe daily nasty comments when I have to go into the wider world, some are quite hurtful, such as freak and weirdo and all the other negative puts downs and shaming, then sometimes this triggers suicidal thoughts and on occasions, self harm, but I try to turn it around by doing things that I like, with hobbies, watching old movies and on good advice, doing meditation, which can help with mental problems and stress, also it helps to avoid negative and toxic people, because I had my fair share of fair weather friends in the past, peolpe who turned out exactly like my father, so I try to socialise with positive people, because every little helps and this keeps me going.
Kind regards
Rapture4u
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