Feeling low today. Not to for any great reason, but there is a big sum of little ones...
A while ago, one of lumps burst. Since then I've been in a huge amount of pain. I can't sleep. To appreciate what its like, put a tennis ball under your neck, then try sleeping .... Good luck to ya.
To no-one's great surprise, sleep doesn't come. I am bushed. I am drained. I am sleep deprived, and in the hot weather, I'm grumpier than Emu with Rod Hull up its bum.
I've done something recently, which is a departure for me. I am now having to consider surgery. I have an appointment booked. The alternative if the last 2 or so weeks is anything to go by is a just hell.
I am feeling guilty as I am intending to sign myself off work next week with "stress". I dislike this intensely. It feels like lying.
But the truth is I need time to sort my head out. I need to sort out my sleep hygiene, get some proper rest. I need to eat. Somewhere in being so tired, I stopped eating.
No of this is good. None of it is healthy. Its me at my worst.
Stress is not what I would call this. But it may be what it is. Please tell me what you think. I'd be interested. Its why I ask.
One issue I know I am going to have is a stupid idiotic sick leave policy "that rewards covid with time off" (Get a cough, get 10 days off!) but expects me to get a diagnosis from my doctor for "stress".
Excuse me, but I don't need a flipping doctor to tell me I'm stressed by sleeping on a tennis ball. I need a surgeon to remove it.
Which pee's me off. And because I try to observe integrity in everything, it just leaves me more stressed........
Perhaps I need to .... cough cough, be less honest ....
Sorry to hear you are having such problems to sleep. I'd do whatever is necessary to solve them because that goes first. Without sleep, we can barely work properly, defenses go down and everything else worse. So hopefully you can get the solution as soon as possible despite the surgery, and without "having" a cough, I wish!
Just an update.
Had another truly awful night's sleep. Not rested at all.
But there is nice news today!
When we came back from our holiday at the safari park a few weeks back, we knew we would want to go back .....
Didn't take us long. We've booked. And we're going.
So though I still don't feel particularly human right now, I can say we've given ourselves an up to help us with our mood. We were going to anyway, at some point. Its just that "at some point" has turned out to be sooner than we thought!
Just the 450 plus days to go! Oh well.....
We could, I suppose, have waited. But then, life can be tough. There have been some good posts about taking the good with the bad, the rough with the smooth.
We've had to make a "smooth" for ourselves, but I'll take it.
Life is so short and precious, any time spent not living it and looking forward to something you love is wasted.
So while I am tired, I am still bushed, still in pain, and in need of rest, I have at least replaced the grumpy me with one which is happier!
Best wishes to all.
Update 2. Improving.
Well.
I didn't phone in sick. I didn't dare. I felt ridiculous calling in with "stress" for issues with sleep and my lump.
So, I muddled through the day, feeling only barely human, performing at times badly. Not a fraction of me at my best.
I am going to say it here, now, and out loud.
I was a complete moron to do that. I was so wrong .......
I did feel somewhat better today and mailed our HR about this. Explaining the stresses, etc. I explained the issues I face, and in detail. And I said, yes, at some time point, I may be off with stress.......
The reply came back.
"Yes this makes sense!!"
Had I called in sick and explained, they actually would have understood better than I had assumed.
I cannot now believe I was stupid enough not to.
So here is my learning from this. Sometimes, you do need to trust people. Its difficult or even really hard when the majority of people we deal with are thoughtless, mindless, idiotic clowns I would dearly love to give short shrift too .... or worse!
But in a good team, your friends and colleagues won't let you down.
I should have trusted them more. I'm sorry that I didn't.
So thats what i learned today. Oh and my wife kicked my butt about this too .... and called me some surprisingly rude words!
Hi Hidden . I'm sorry things sound so difficult for you at the minute. There doesn't always have to be a reason for feeling like this but it does sound like there are lots of challenges in your life right now. Either way your feelings are valid.
Unfortunately there seems to be a stigma around having time off for mental health, making it difficult to have permission or making you feel guilty for doing so. But I don't see anything wrong with taking some time off. If anything it is actually essential. You must do what is best for you and put yourself first for a while. Self-care is not selfish or a luxury; it is a necessity! I know it is difficult though because I have been in a similar position before.
I really hope things improve for you soon. I'm here if you need to talk. Remember this time will pass and there will be better days in the future. For now, take care and try to do little things that make you happy. The safari trip sounds like an amazing thing to look forward to!
Yes, you're right. There is an associated stigma with anything than might be a little bit in the area of "mental health".
Which is just plan silly. You don't have to be ill to worry about your mental health either!
Just wanting to look after it if you are feeling below par should be encouraged. I'm not sure we do enough of that.
I think I'd noticed last week lots of little stresses. They'd managed to combine forces in a way, and instead of being lots of little stresses they had become bigger ones. Fewer of them, but bigger.
Have made a couple of changes. One of which was my "to-do" list. Absurdly, my to-do list meant I had about 20 or 30 things on it. Holy Moly. I never saw the bottom of it!
I've now simplified that list to just my top 10 things that I want to get done. That means successfully knocking things of that list is more noticeable. And so I feel more like I make progress with!
I definitely want to keep on with having "anti-stresses". Giving myself things to look forward too. Like putting children on both sides of the see-saw, some stress is needed, but some reward is needed to to keep things in check. It can be hard to remember that.
And that is why you are right about self care. It can restore the see-saw when it is out of order!
I totally agree! Couldn't have said it better myself
It's so important to be in tune with our mental health even when we're not feeling unwell. And you're right, we really don't do it enough. Without doing this it is so easy to let lots of little things build up over time and create a bigger problem. But if we try and stay aware of the little things we could possibly deal with them earlier.
That's a great idea! I'm always writing lists. It helps things feel more manageable. And it lifts your mood a little when you get to tick things off too. I'm glad you're doing a bit better now. Keep at it! Take care😊
Just another update.
I'm still not sleeping particularly well, but thankfully the weather is cooler now, and that helps.
I am getting some very vivid dreams (not every night thankfully!), which i know is a sign (again) of stress. and despite two days off work (vacation!) I'm dreading the return of work and the ridiculous questions from clients.
I did know I was overloaded, and I never really did enough about it back then.
I am therefore taking the step to look for other work. Not that I want to leave my current job, I don't. I love the company and especially the people. But I know the way we work is not healthy. All thanks to a sign I know is of stress (vivid dreaming in this case).
So as a tip. Know what your signs of stress are. What happens to you if you stressed? It may be different for you. Blood pressure is one. Headaches are another. Vivid dreaming is one for me. And if you get those signs, please don't ignore it. It's important!
And this comes from me, who is famously terrible at it.... but I do see that I need to.
Hi again Hidden , sorry to hear you're still not sleeping well. I hope things improve a bit more for you soon. I'm glad you're listening to your body though and acknowledging these signs of stress. Just keep doing what is best for you and taking care of yourself. I'm always here if you want to chat🙂
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