A worried newbie

[Caro57]

Hello all - I am new here, my spouse, early 70’s, has been pacemaker dependent for AF for a decade and now has moderate heart failure. I am struggling with a person who is in denial, has a physically demanding self-employed job more and more of which is landing at my feet, is spending increasing amounts of time sitting / sleeping and refuses to discuss any changes to our lifestyle - anyone with a similar situation who could offer suggestions of what I can do - thanks

[sassy59]

I’d just like to welcome you to the forum Carol57. This is a very friendly, caring place to chat and get help and advice.

If your husband is not able to do his job without it impacting such a lot on you then he needs to face up to changing his life. Unfortunately denial is very powerful.

Is there anyone else who can talk to him? Maybe he would find that easier.

Wishing you and your husband well. Take care xxxx

[Caro57]

Thanks Sassy

[bantam12]

You might find it useful to post your question over on the AFassociation forum, lots of people with good advice on there.

[Caro57 in reply to bantam12]

Thanks - mostly it’s the attitude rather than conditions that is the problem! But I’ll try

[Hidden]

Hi Carol57 and welcome to the Care community. I see that sassy59, our lovely ambassador has already offered you her warm welcome.

Denial is such a difficult thing to deal with. It's very hard to change a point of view that's rooted in fear and dislike of change, which is largely what denial is all about.

I have recently had some experience of this with my sister whose husband was displaying clear signs of dementia. I pointed it out to her, but she continued to make excuses until she too was worried enough herself to help him get a diagnosis.

She's having to cope with it now, as of course its course has continued, but she will still refer to his as a 'slight case' of dementia and make light of some of the really serious things that are happening with him. The pity of this is that even her own grown-up kids believe things aren't as bad as they are. So that's what you are really dealing with.

I think sassy59's suggestion to bring in a third party to talk to him might help a little. Especially if that person could be a medical professional who will lay out the problem unemotionally on the table but can also offer further advice on a change in lifestyle.

In the end his slowly failing heart will force the change upon him, but it's a pity if he ends up much more ill than he needs to be, in a shorter space of time.

So, all in all I can't give you a definite answer. It's complex. The bottom line is that it is his life that's at risk and so long as he truly understands the risks he's facing by not changing, there isn't so much you can do.

But please do let us know how you both get on with this. By continuing to point out the dangers yourself you may get that 'drip feed' result where it will slowly dawning on him that he needs to slow down and make changes in life. Take care both of you! 🙏

[Caro57 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, I will pursue this. I think I would like acknowledgement sooner rather than later.........I need to change my expectations!!