Lost in thought and loss

[secrets22]

Anyone else get paranoid of going out,it is an irrational fear due to circumstances & i cant face losing any more loved ones such as the fairly recent loss of my devoted much loved husband David,and now my much loved pet Eddie,and several associates ,it has brought me to the brink of despair,and each day i hear of more sadness.

I cannot change the way i am,nor should I,I am a sensitive,and an empath ,but it comes at a price.

One looks back and think,could i have been nicer,could i have done more,and yet i know i did everything i could have done,but still there is an element of guilt.

We are here but for a short time but the pain we go through is never ending.

I once had the belief that we will meet our loved ones again,but doubt now eclipses all that i held dear.

When one thinks of the millions that have gone before us,is it in the realms of reality that it is possible.

Most of my life has been trying for acceptance but we do live in a cruel world,where any form of caring is looked on as a weakness,non more so than with some family members.

To say i wish i had never been born is my truth,apart from meeting my David,it was my only respite from pain.

[sassy59]

So sorry to hear that you’re feeling despondent and depressed Roddy. I think losing someone close who was deeply loved is one of the worse things any human being has to go through. Then to lose your wonderful Eddie too, it’s just all too much. I think the pandemic has caused untold grief, upset and mental health issues for many and it’s been abysmal with no real sign of ending anytime soon. We just seem to get through each day somehow.

We are all here for you so please remember that. You’re very much cared about. Xxx💜

[Hidden in reply to sassy59]

Yes I have had many episodes during the pandemic when I have felt low as well and been upset and crying and I feel that being fed up isn't a bad thing as its telling you you aren't getting what you need so I have a think about what is it I need and go from there say I have been fed up over job hunting so decided on a break this week and taking things easy.

[sassy59 in reply to Hidden]

Good idea to give yourself a break from job hunting Catgirl. You have to be kind to you. Hope you’re having a good week. Xxx💜😘

[Hidden in reply to sassy59]

Yes its been nice and quiet so far.

I'm looking forward to Halloween weekend though!

[sassy59 in reply to Hidden]

Have fun! Xxx🧛🏻🧟‍♀️🎃

[Hidden]

Hi Roddy, Yes, the pandemic has changed me too, and I now find it much less enjoyable to go out a lot of the time. It's not fear of covid19 now, troublesome though that remains, but something within seems to have changed and made me less confident. But I strive always. Only today I made myself go out and about when, frankly, I'd have felt happier staying home.But generally speaking, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so horribly low in mood. It's not really a surprise. When we lose those people we deeply loved or beloved pets, or even sometimes things which we loved and treasured, it turns us upside down and inside out.

I think we can only live with whatever we feel in the current moment. There's no going back except in memory, and we have no certainty of tomorrow, so as far as you can, the safest and realest place to be is right here, right now, whatever you happen to be feeling. As the title of a Ray LaMontagne song goes, 'Be Here Now'. Try not to long for the future or the past because all of life will contain both joys and sorrows. And to add yet another adage, (one of my mother's this, which I grew up with and can still hear ringing in my ears), "You'll stay in so long that you won't want to go out", and perhaps I should have heeded her warning more seriously.

I also have this fanciful notion that we are each born with a stretchy string bag alongside us, and every week and every year, we add our accumulating troubles and sorrows to this. Sometimes it fills up too quickly and overflows, and that's when we start to feel really down. We need to know that we don't have to carry that bag around with us. We can decide to put it down and walk off and leave it behind us, at least for a while. It's kinder to ourselves to decide to do this!

I do want to urge that if you reach a point where you feel even lower, then please make urgent contact with an organisation which can listen and help, such as the Samaritans.

Call them free of charge on 116 123, anytime, day or night. Their motto is: 'We're Here to Listen', and they do and will.

Thinking of you and sending loving wishes for you to feel a little better about things very soon. As sassy59 has already said, you are very much cared about. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I wrote to the Samaritan's back in 2019 and found them very good when I had problems and they don't give advice they listen to you and let you decide for yourself what you want to do.

I went out on Saturday to the busy city centre which I hadn't done for a long time and had met up with my friends at a bar I hadn't visited since just before everything shut down back in March 2020 and I just cried and everyone was very kind saying how crying does you good.

Today I went out to the shop for some bread and had a walk there and back which I found helped and finished off some future learn courses which I enjoyed and put on some old episodes of coronation st from 1990.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I too have reached out to the Samaritans in the past and they were really marvellous. I'm glad you had a good Saturday even though it brought on tears. They can in fact be very healing and I'm very fond of a good cry! You do very well in keeping busy and staying positive but everyone has their moments I find, myself included! 👍🌈🙏

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

This week I decided I will have to myself and take things easy as its been hectic recently with interviews so when I go back to them a week tomorrow I will be nice and refreshed as its been a worry to me so a break seemed like the best option.

I am looking forward to Halloween weekend and we are staying in and having a movie marathon and Baby will be kept in under lock and key!

One of my friends who is 71 said to me how the way things were taken away back then was hard to take as it was so sudden and how it always seems worse when you are young thinking 45 is young!

To me 20 is young and I said I was glad this didn't happen when I was 20 and just starting out and they said how what happened is hard to take at any age!

At the viva Brazil restaurant it was nice to be remembered by the staff there as the last time we were there was just before everything shut down back in March 2020!

Many years ago I was in town on a Saturday with my parents and it had been busy there and we had gone down st Mary's street where the clubs and bars are and it had been busy and noisy there and my father hadn't liked it there as it was too busy and noisy down there like it was last Saturday when we were there but the thing is I feel strongly that life is too short and I can't hide away forever.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I agree that it's been hard to take at any age Catgirl1976. Your friend's right!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue as always your replies are so wise and mindfull, yes so true our baggage from past can wow us down and the here and now is what it's all about I realised this as was so stressed lately with house stuff and thought me mam pixie are alive that's all that's matters worrying about past n future us waisting the present re the past is history the future a mystery and the present a gift is what I need to treasure mam may be dead tomorror and here's me fretting over stupid kitchen design issues although I have been living like as said to my builder a squatter in a house with toaster and kettle upstairs, he's helping me this weekend and big shock also my mam's great granddaughter her fav has COVId bit my niece said she's ok my builders children had it last week thank god he told us as it stopped mam having Emmie for tea Friday ,oh pixie bit me bad my arm went red but been putting Germaline on repeateldly poor cat his feet were muddy at his Nana's so I tried to wash bit he was washing 🙄he can wash his own dirty feet in future 😭🐯

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That was naughty of Pixie to bite the hand that feeds him!

Sorry to hear that mams great granddaughter can't come for tea this Friday as I know how much Mam looks forward to her Friday afternoon teas!

I feel its important to live for today myself.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi thanks cat good job my builder told us about COVId as she never came for tea last Friday either mam was going to go down to see them yesterday to take Halloween treats but we got delayed as mam helped me make a Flat pack unit up, I told my builder when he dropped the plaster off I feel like selling the house as a going concern a project for someone, he said Wel get it sorted weekend get my water back on and electrics downstairs he went out to see how much stuff needed to go to tip, and said it's so nice out here, it will break my heart to leave my garden and risking not getting one with park at back, he said they wouldn't move his bus stop so im not holding my breath it never sold before because no front parking I could be here ages yet if I get through winter I'll enjoy another summer here and just have to sell it cheap glad you and baby are well, pixies lovely but does have a wild temper, no swimming this week, I'm going to use the COVId tester kit as I stupidly forgot to wash my phone after showing my builder a photo of a kitchen layout, hope you have good day 🤗🐯

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That's the thing with pedigree cats is they can be spiteful!

Today I have had a morning on future learn doing literature and language course which I have enjoyed and listened to music and had a lunchtime walk out in the fresh air which was nice and refreshing and had beans and sausage on toast for today's lunch for a change from sandwiches.

The couple who lived upstairs from us have only just completed a house sale and it has taken them ages from having their offer accepted back in January and finally completed and moved a few weeks ago so sadly selling will take ages as the legal system isn't very efficient.

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

thankyou my dear friend for your wise words and comfort.x

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

Hello Hidden my friend, and thank you, you are an inspiration and full of so much needed good advice.

[Hidden]

You have been through a lot lately and it's bound to have affected you and you feel how you feel and whatever it is it's fine.

I have found crying has done me good and have a sit down and have a think about what you need and go from there.

How's the other 2 dogs coping after losing their friend Eddie?

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, my 2 little dogs, Yonnie and Diva are the reason i get up every day, they really are lifesavers, they feel our moods and rally to make us better again.

[Hidden]

Oh Roddy your post brought me to tears I often feel like that, and now COVId in my family mam's great granddaughter whome she revolves her life around such a worry, Roddy I totally get you and wish I could curl up in ball and sleep forever like a cat or at least for winter, I so wish we lived close and at least could meet up and have fish n chips by the sea every day and at least wed die happy and be out our misery but unfortunetely life isn't that simple as you know we have to go on for our pets and friends I think your doing really well after Eddie's death, I had to look away when saw doom n gloom.about children in a state on incubators I also think I'm too sensitive for this world, but I go on anxiety site and there's worst than us, you once said to me in support Mandy were blessed we have lot more than others I know it's not easy to count our blessings when we're grieving and stressed and after going on the liver and heart site it does help and as always heath unlocked made me aware of conditions I didn't know existed and I'm thankful I don't have them,bi am trying to be health and still battling with binge drinking as I know it could kill me suddenly or cause long term effects 🤗xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I suspect our family all had covid before it was officially christened back in 2019 but it had passed itself off as heavy colds.

Baby is fine and enjoyed her haggis yesterday.

[Goldenanny]

Good morning everyone 😃I was really moved by all these comments today and the caring thoughts and advice given. My husband and I had our booster jabs yesterday and we are minding our two young grandsons today so we’ve planned our day! We have something happy to look forward to. 😃😃

I fully understand how you feel secrets22 about meeting our loved ones after they have passed away as I often ask myself this question and it is difficult to sort out in our minds. As you say millions of people?? When my mother died of cancer in 2005 I had a breakdown and felt my heart had been ripped out but it took a few years to come to terms with it. We did receive signs that she was still with us but nothing now except our lovely memories. You are not alone secrets22 with your deep feelings and I sympathise with you. 🙏🙏

I had a few young friends and relatives who took their own lives but they still had their whole futures to experience. Nobody knows what is around the next corner! I didn’t think my youngest daughter would have any children as she waited 8 years and now we live each day cheered up by baby Jacob who makes us laugh so much and has helped us through Covid.

You are not alone secrets22 and the fact that you can share your feelings is a good thing. Please take the expert advice from Callendersgal and others on healthunlocked as there is always a solution to be found. 🥰🥰

[secrets22 in reply to Goldenanny]

thankyou so much for your most comforting comments,it means a lot.

[Hidden in reply to Goldenanny]

At a previous job a lad there who was only in his 30s took his own life and when we were all told we were shocked but I wasn't surprised but still it was shocking though hearing that.

Hows baby Jacob getting on?

My dad died back in April and I wasn't surprised but still it was a shock though when I was told he had died and I was just so angry that I would lash out over any little thing not that I was being deliberately malicious but because I was in pain and I have found crying has helped and talking to supportive friends who had said that under the anger and lashing out there was pain rather than deliberate malice.

Back in September I got accused of being supposedly bitter which had upset me and perhaps my attitude was bitter towards that particular situation but I'm not always bitter though and my friends said that when that was said to me about being bitter it wasnt to help no it was malicious and intended to upset and hurt and how people like that are unhappy in themselves so had taken things out on me by accusing me of being bitter and that they have nothing better to do than sit there and criticise just to hurt to feel better about themselves.

[Goldenanny in reply to Hidden]

I know you are still hurt by someone with nothing better to do than gossip vindictively. We can only ignore these people Catgirl1976 and sympathise that they have nothing better to do with their valuable time. Your true friends will support you 👍👍

Jacob is thriving at eight months and cheers everyone up with his little character. He can say Mamma and Babba so daddy is patiently waiting. He crawls and rolls like a commando 😁😁he is a beautiful gift 💝

[Hidden in reply to Goldenanny]

One of my cousins had a baby a couple of weeks back and called him Charlie.

We have Baby the cat an elderly ginger tabby who is spoilt!

My real friends have been very kind telling me to take things at my own pace and said how 6 months isn't very long at all after something like that has happened and have been very kind even when I have had episodes of irrational anger and I said that when they have difficulties and need anything my door is always open for them.

[lell1]

Hey secrets22! How’s things with u these days?

[secrets22 in reply to lell1]

Hello lell1,,,,,,well ,life is variable, some difficult days and some not so difficult days, i seem to go from one stressful day to another, and mostly due to false people, mainly family, who i now keep at arm's length.

[lell1 in reply to secrets22]

Family are pretty certain they know best eh? But if they’re saying u ‘should, shouldn’t’ it kinda makes everything conditional huh? Just b true to yourself secrets22, that is the only truth. Do you work?

[secrets22 in reply to lell1]

Yes i do work, but i work from home with my two dogs for company,

[lell1]

problem with working from home is that u don’t really get away from things for a while huh? Two years down the line and I still feel guilty if I forget to say morning/good night to Alfie’s picture! I’ve recently started working n at least it gets me out for a while. Decided that if I didn’t start working I would just keep spiralling into the abyss…but I needed to wait til it felt ok for me.

What kind of dogs have u got?

[secrets22 in reply to lell1]

that is very true, i dont get away from work, i am surrounded with it. All my dogs over the years have been rescue, and now i just have Yonnie and Diva, Yonnie was found on the streets of Cairo, so she is well traveled but she is the sweetest dog imaginable, breed unknown.😂 and Diva is a sweet wee Papillon, they are both around 10 now and i'm considering getting a Chihuahua, they are tiny and can fit in places where big dogs aren't allowed. I never was a big dog lover until a close friend committed suicide, and i was asked if i would take Billy & Benji,( that was about 23 years ago and both were Chihuahua) of course i said yes but had no idea what to do, but within a few weeks i got the hang of it, sadly Benji didn't last to long, he was a poorly little chap, but Billy was my wonderful companion for 12 long years, and i still miss him terribly. He used to actually sing in the car with me, and although I've adored all my dogs since, not one has come near to how little Billy was. He was unique.

[lell1]

better travelled than a lot of people! That’s spooky, I never liked cats and now have 2! Always had dogs…last one was a Great Dane so not so easy to find hiding places! Such a softie!