Mum admitted to a nursing home

[Northwesternercas]

Just thought I would update everyone on my mother’s situation. My mum is now 90 and had a stroke and a bowel resection 18 months ago. She can no longer swallow, is fed (over 10 hrs each day) by PEg straight into her stomach, has a stoma, memory issues and is unsteady on her feet. She has now been back in hospital 10 times since her original discharge in April 18. Through all of this I was the main carer (between 8 am and 2:30 when I have to go to fetch my g’dtrs from school) with support from district nurses twice a day and a care agency 3 times a day.

I am sure many of you know that this goes much further than simply caring for Mum - you get the whole responsibility for everything: prescriptions, cleaning, shopping, gardening, hosp appointments, finance and even when not with my mum being constantly on standby for that terrifying call when something goes wrong. And then there’s the guilt because whatever you do, it is never enough.

The issue that finally broke me was the repeated bowel blockages that poor mum has had to suffer. She has been in hospital 10 times since her original discharge. Each time she was dealt with by a different team, each time the advice was either non-existent or in direct contrast to that given previously. All she really needed was a different, more flexible prescription to keep her bowels loose and moving and more fluid (fluid prescribed to the ml by the dieticians who control the PEG intake).

There came the night when she was discharged from hospital to a cold and empty house, still in pain, bowel still blocked and still vomiting. She was readmitted the next day. I cannot find the words to describe the stress and anger I felt at that point. Thank goodness for the district nurses who came and supported me. That was the night a hit a black brick wall and knew we couldn’t go on like that.

All that led to the decision to have mum go into a nursing home in the hope that they would be able to do a better job than me and keep her out of hospital. We are self funding but had fantastic support from Warrington council social services who supported and advised us.

We found a lovely home and mum has settled in amazingly well and now says she wouldn’t go home, even if she could. She is safe and well cared for.

But...although I don’t object to paying for her care (not as if we have a choice) but what really winds me up is knowing that we are paying @£400 a week more than council funded residents for exactly the same everything. I know this isn’t an original complaint but it’s just so unfair. We get the nursing element paid but don’t qualify for CHC.

So, mum is safe, I am less stressed and life is generally easier. So why do I feel so guilty?

[sassy59]

Hello, I’m so sorry to read about the problems your dear mum is having. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I truly believe you have done your very best and your mum seems happy where she is.

Your guilt is understandable because it’s your mum but rest assured you’ve done the right thing.

Wishing you well and hoping things improve for your dear mum.

Take care xxxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Northwesternercas,

Thanks for coming back to let us know how things have been going. And it was in a very challenging way for you, from all you've said. You made absolutely the right decision to have your mum placed into a nursing home. There's an end of tether for everyone at some point, and it sounds as if you really had reached yours.

I'm not at all surprised your reaction was extreme anger to find your mum discharged from hospital at a point where she was simply 'patched up' and not in any condition to be summarily sent home. It's yet another demonstration of how broken the care system now is in UK.

Try not to feel guilty about having placed your mum in what sounds like a really good nursing home. No-one outside your situation is in any position to judge you for any action you need to take with regard to your mum's safety, comfort and nursing care. You did all that you possibly could before she went into a home, and the only thing you could when it was time to make that decision.

Very best wishes to you both and again, thanks for updating us.

[Hidden]

My mother's nursing home is around £1200 a week and she has been there for six years. The money from the sale of her house ran out ages ago. She is 102 and is likely to live a while longer. It is so unfair!