Alcohol. It certainly knows how not to let go..

[Chris7746]

Hi. I’m Chris. I’m stupid. Don’t be like me.

My journey started back in 2018. From memory, it was either gallstones or acute pancreatitis. Was diagnosed with fatty liver and raised liver function. Drank way too much and ate too much garbage.

Scared me to death. Quit drinking and ate a strict diet. In 6 months I lost 3 stone. Continued to eat healthy but I did have a drink. Was causing no issues. I felt great.

Then…..Covid hit. Although a key worker, my work was customer based so was completely restricted to what I could do. More often than not, I was home for 10 - 11am. If you remember, it was a glorious summer. I sat out in the garden just drinking. Come the evening, it was bbq time.

2021 I changed jobs. Still with the same company but a completely different role. I was then an engineer so fairly active. Now, I’m more management so desk bound or driving hundreds of miles.

The weight was piling back on but in myself I was happy. I’d found a new partner so all was rosy in the garden.

Leap forwards 3 years (June 23) and I’m back at the doctors. Had the pains back. Had bloods again and an ultrasound. The usual fatty liver again and elevated liver function was the outcome.

We’re now in May 24 and I’m 1.5 stone heavier than I was at my heaviest in 2018. I do not look after myself and I’m again scared to death. I’ve had my bloods done again today as my blood pressure has been slightly high and my bloods will come back abnormal. I know they will.

I’ve asked the NHS for help and all they did was refer me to a health coach who just challenged me not to drink on certain days. This isn’t what I need. I have a problem when it comes to the weekends. I binge on every.

Last year I was drinking most of the week but now Monday - Thursday I don’t touch a drop. I work hard and I am so so tired come the weekend all I look forward to is a beer and a wine. Sad eh!!

My mental health is plummeting because I just cannot find the motivation to do anything and I know my physical health is getting serious.

I know I have to wait for my results but the outcome worries me. I feel so at peace when I have a glass of white in the sun and I feel so relaxed from the past week.

In 2018 I was scared. Now, because I’ve been on the journey, the damage I’m causing no longer scares me. This in itself worries me.

What will be, will be. I picture me dying. I picture myself with cancer. I’m 47 and I’m thinking like this and all because of the dreaded alcohol that at the moment, is destroying me bit by bit.

Certainly not looking for sympathy as I don’t really deserve it but I’m looking for light at the end of the tunnel.

Is there anyone who thought as dark as me that came out the other end??

[Aotea2012]

I did…but sadly I left it too long and got diagnosed with cirrhosis. I had a hospital admission for a deep rooted infection back in March 21. I nearly died as it had developed into sepsis and tipped my liver into acute on chronic liver failure. Luckily for me…with a LOT of amazing NHS care, I survived. They diagnosed cirrhosis and I have been subsequently followed up by a consultant every six months. I’m still getting amazing NHS care which has helped keep me well. I’ve also knocked alcohol into touch…not had a drink since my admission to hospital in March 21, eaten in line with dietician advice and exercise regularly. The best thing I’ve done for both my physical and mental health is to stop drinking. I like you used to have a glass of wine and at the same time worry myself to death about my health. The more I worried the more I drank to stop the worry. I had a very stressful job that didn’t help and I found drinking wine helped me relax after a difficult day. I convinced myself that I deserved the glass as a reward…and on particularly difficult days that developed into several glasses of wine and it wasn’t long before it was a bottle or two every night - just to help with the worry and as a reward for completing a difficult day! Alcohol is really dangerous because it messes up our judgement and we end up convincing ourselves that it’s good for us in the end. It really isn’t…and whilst I still have cirrhosis, if you met me you’d have no idea. My bloods are normal, I have no symptoms and with the care I’m finally taking of my health I feel better than I have done for years. I do a demanding job and my desire for a glass of wine at the end of a busy day has completely gone. I’ve found other ways to relax and my rewards these days at the end of a difficult day are a nice long soak in my bath with expensive bath oils, a punnet of strawberries and the finest sparkling orange! If you’d told me that 5 years ago I’d have laughed in disbelief…but I’m honestly so much happier and more content as a result. It is possible to turn the tide…but the first thing is to really want to. I NEVER want to be like I was in hospital again…unable to care for myself and as yellow as Homer Simpson. It scared me. That was my trigger to get well and kick the booze and I’ve not looked back.

[Starlight79 in reply to Aotea2012]

Reading your post is like reading my own story! I’m only a year sober and love it and I never ever thought I’d say that. My reward after work, day of looking after my daughter, because it’s Friday etc etc was the wine reward, not much of a reward is it with a gift that nearly kills you! I just wanted to say well done on your journey and I wish you a lovely, happy and healthy future x

[Chris7746 in reply to Aotea2012]

Hi. Thanks for your reply. Did you know deep down you had cirrhosis or was it a bad supply? I’ve had my bloods back but as usual I have no idea what they mean!

Serum gamma-glutamyl transferase level is 124

ALT is 63.

Both are elevated. No diabetes and full blood count normal.

I hope you’re on the mend. I hope to be where you are at some point.

[Aotea2012 in reply to Chris7746]

I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t cross my mind…but until I had symptoms when I became ill initially because of the infection, I managed to convince myself I was one of the lucky ones where cirrhosis hadn’t developed.

[Roy1955]

Hi Chris

Click on this link.

changegrowlive.org/advice-i....

7 years ago they saved this drinkers life.

[Ruby1960]

hi

I feel your pain. I was diagnosed with cirrhosis in 2020. Mine was primarily due to Hep C caught from a blood transfusion. It was completely out of the blue, no symptoms apart from abnormal LFT,s. I was told to stop drinking as it would make my condition worse. I didn’t drink during the week but enjoyed a few at the weekend. Even though I know it’s stupid I dont seem to be able to stop. I have a scan every 6 months and every time they just say my liver is stable, no changes. I have not been prescribed any medication. I keep telling myself that nothing has changed in 4 years and I’ve still enjoyed a few glasses of wine but deep down I know I’m playing with fire. This shows the power of the demon drink. Take care and good luck.

[Chris7746 in reply to Ruby1960]

hi. Thanks for the reply. I know what you’re saying. You have a drink. It makes you feel great but with every sip, you know you are playing Russian roulette! You can’t see it. You can’t necessarily feel it but you know you are potentially killing yourself. I do this week after week. I didn’t think I was a masochist and I don’t want to be but I have very little respect for this situation until I hit rock bottom. I remember how much 2018 scared me. Day after day, week after week I was living with this ‘thing’ (liver) that wasn’t well. It was like a new born baby to me (without the love) and by that I mean, this ‘thing’ was in my head, incredibly fragile and I had to look after it without compromise. I did that after 6 months of hard graft but this time around I don’t seem to have the fear in me so I just ignore it. I’m massively disappointed in myself as I’m back here yet again. This time though, I don’t know the outcome.

[Grassroots112]

You can’t take a chance with your health. March 2023 I was hospitalised with jaundice and ascites through my alcoholism with likely decompensated cirrhosis. Fast forward over a year now completely sober, healthy diet and regular exercise and now it’s likely moderate fibrosis. Alcohol almost killed me and has damaged my body and my liver. Although I’m now recovering and doing really well, I know if I drink again I won’t come out of it quite so well this time. You e done amazingly well throughout your own journey to recognise your drinking and looking to make lifestyle changes so you can do it again. You don’t want it to get to the point where you damage your liver to the point of no return. Good luck and take care.

[Chris7746 in reply to Grassroots112]

Well done you. I’ve heard a few stories similar to yours. How does it make you feel though looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing that under your skin is a ticking time bomb?

[Grassroots112 in reply to Chris7746]

I don’t see it as a ticking time bomb, in effect the minute we are born we are dying, and will die, so in reality we are all ticking time bombs. We can get all manner of diseases and life threatening health issues either through genetics or life style choices.

I see what I went through as a positive in my life as it finally woke me up and I truly believe in order to become your best self sometimes you have to live your worst self and face that person face to face at some point and decide who do you want to be.

I never wanted to be an alcoholic and I most certainly didn’t want to be dead, but I was and it was killing me. It was me who was the ticking time bomb and always will be, not my now damaged liver or alcohol.

But I’ve learned I can control all of that and today I’m the strongest I’ve ever been mentally and while physically I’m not, I’m still alive and in a far better place now having had the experiences I’ve had and as much as I loved a whiskey and will always crave one no doubt, I now no longer want a drink even if I sometimes feel I need one and that for me is how to break that addiction, you don’t need a drink, you want a drink. We don’t need the various junk food we put in our bodies, we want that junk food. We can switch that mindset off, but it takes will power and a sense of perspective that for me come from me needing alcohol to the point it almost killed me.

My liver is now scarred which is what fibrosis is but it’s compensated, normal size, isn’t cirrhotic and my bloods are all good. Having had alcohol hepatitis though I’m at a bigger risk should I drink again even moderately that my liver will become cirrhotic and quickly.

I can’t tell you not to drink again and you may not need to stop drinking for eternity, and just in moderation, but all I know is when we humans do anything to excess by poisoning our bodies and minds, we are speeding up that process that starts the day we are born; dying.

I have a wife and two young kids and a great family and set of friends and it’s not that I need to live for as long as I can, it’s I want to live for as long as I can. So I’ve flipped that want and need thing.

Today I don’t consider myself an alcoholic because I’m not, I used to be, but I don’t drink any more and will never touch another drop again.

I now want to never drink again, never mind the fact I need to never drink again because of my liver. I’m done, over it, I don’t need it and I don’t want it.

Good luck on your journey and take care.

[BritishLiverTrust3 Administrator British Liver Trust]

Dear Chris7746,

If you are in the UK and would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)

Best wishes

British Liver Trust

[Chris7746 in reply to BritishLiverTrust3]

Thank you for reaching out. I may well do this. I need to speak to someone about things.

[teletonetapper]

Good morning Chyris7746. From reading your post I understand you are certainly not looking for sympathy. I have no easy answers for you but would it be worth prior to soaking up the sun in your garden, going for a drive with your Partner elsewhere to enjoy other beautiful scenery close by. I can quite believe you have a stressful job being an Engineer but "drink" will never solve the problems in a person's life - albeit they will have more. Our daughter has had numerous "ups and downs" relating to the demon drink but, hopefully she will not return to being an Alcoholic. She has lost two husbands and children through drinking. Please help yourself as you come across as a very intelligent guy and, may be you require someone to talk to more. Please, please take care as life goes so quickly and you must value it.

[Chris7746 in reply to teletonetapper]

Thank you very much for your kind words. I do hope your daughter is recovering ok.

I really feel for those that it has truly got hold of. It’s trying to grab my ankles as I climb the wall but it doesn’t have the shackles on as yet. If I lose weight, I think I can overcome this. When I was at a healthy weight, I could drink and enjoy it but my body seemingly can’t do drink and a bad diet both at the same time.

My results came back today but have no idea what they mean. They’re just ‘out of reference range’

[x007jcp]

oh yes … thought I was actually dying in hospital summer 2018 age 50. No way of knowing if it was real considering god knows what was in my system. In that state I knew I could choose to die. Considered the impact on those I love and didn’t want to upset anyone unnecessarily. Still struggling like hell with drinking. It’s psycho but it’s associated with both the good times and death. I try to remember that the bottle doesn’t open itself. Booze is not some sentient living thing to avoid. You and me are in control. No way are you alone. Maybe join a group??

[Chris7746 in reply to x007jcp]

Hi. I feel your pain. Fortunately, I’ve not experienced near death but I know it’s a possibility if I don’t get my backside in to gear. Do you recommend any groups?

[x007jcp in reply to Chris7746]

Hi Chris - you could try AA but for me my problems aren’t for public airing! Your GP should know about addiction services inside and outside the NHS near you. This forum, its moderators and participants really are a massive support. Beating this is part physical addiction and part self psychology. You have a partner?? Talk, cry, find objectives.

[Chris7746 in reply to x007jcp]

I gave thought about AA to be honest. I don’t want this to be public knowledge to my family though as I’m unsure yet as to whether is an issue that needs to be a problem. Until I try looking after myself, I don’t know if I’ll struggle or whether it will be a breeze.

[DaveQ67]

Hi Chris,

You will already know you are not alone in your story and situation. I think I’m right in saying you have not been diagnosed with Cirrhosis?

What I’ve realised is try not to worry about what will be or might be. All you can do is your part and be responsible for your own actions and what you do to give your health the best chance.

I was diagnosed decompensated cirrhosis out the blue with no warning. I drank heavily and paid the price. I had a lot of personal issues but I can tell you having cirrhosis hasn’t helped them by hitting the drink.

Where you might be fortunate is you have realised where you will be if changes aren’t made. Look after yourself and the make the changes now.

Hopefully you have caught any potential damage early. But I wouldn’t waste time worrying. Your actions regardless of diagnosis will change your life for the better.

[Chris7746 in reply to DaveQ67]

Hi there. You may well be right. I’m hoping I’m early with the situation as I’ve had my results back today. Some are elevated but no idea what the numbers mean or how high they actually are. There’s a serious amount to get a grip with and it’s really tricky knowing what to do first. I need to sort my weight. If that comes down then it will help other things. I’ve gone from drinking heavily 7 days a week to 3-4. I think about the summer every single day and how I’m going to get through that well deserved beer in the sun after work. Now that’s bad!

[DaveQ67 in reply to Chris7746]

I won’t lie, it’s not easy., I have been 1 year sober next week.

The first few months I was toiling. The sooner you realise alcohol = dead is the reality! it’s not so hard or an option anymore.

I’m 43 and didn’t think I had got to that point yet. Set achievable goals.

Do you or have you been to AA? I found it helped but tbh finding out I had put myself into a position through my choices ( regardless why) I decided to get myself out of it, are at least as best I could.

If you have received news that your drinking has affected your health and if not stopped will get worse. You know the answer to what the outcome will be.

Your at a crossroads, use it as an opportunity to affect positive change into your life.

All the best !!!

[Confused-one in reply to Chris7746]

HI Chris

The weight cannot come down without stopping drinking since it is what is causing it in large part. If you drink heavily, you are taking in thousands of extra calories per week. You can't metabolise alcohol for energy, it goes all to fat immediately. How do I know? I'm that guy.

I can see in your posts a fair bit of that final struggle when we don't want to quite realise that we are done. This is because you haven't really understood just how bad things are. As others have told you here, something like decompensated liver can arrive without warning. You might have had hangovers and not looked your best, but there's no pain and no obvious warnings. But once it happens, there's no cure. You can't ask a doctor to cure it. There is no cure.

You've got many years, probably decades of drinking behind you. It's all cumulative. Many of us have been at this point and many of us are now dead because we didn't make the choice. It's time to wise up bud. You're long, long past the phase where you can kid yourself on that a few more times getting drunk and having beers in summer is a good idea or "nice". This really is the last bell ringing.

I worked hard and "rewarded" myself by drinking hard. Now I am sober i still reward myself, just not with booze. Now that I've given up booze, my life is far easier and my stress is much lowered and my need to reward myself much less. This idea that only booze can do that is the addiction talking, sorry.

If you go to AA you don't have to talk. But you will meet many other people in your situation and importantly way more people who are far far happier without drinking. There are no happy drunks at this stage. The stress and misery is huge and the "relief" of getting drunk is no more than bashing your head with a mallet so you can forget it and about as effective. You have an option left. It's time to take it now. Good luck.

[Dogbot]

As you can read Chris there is a lot of people who went on your journey I’m no exception my story goes back a bit. I went to work and felt really bad when I was sent on a meal brake I decided to go to the nurse after a good friend of mine told me I look like Homer, the nurse immediately sent me to my doctor with a phone call from her to the surgery. The doctor said I will call an ambulance or you get someone to take you to the hospital, so the doctor plugged me into some drips and came back in the morning. His first words were well your still here I thought I was going to be writing your death certificate last night. So with a lot of fantastic care on NHS one nurse came to me and said, I can go and buy a bottle of vodka or pack up drinking and live in see my grandchildren. Ok well 5 grandchildren 21 year without booze and last year a transplant I’m still alive and so enjoying life. The wife and I are now for the first time for many years having holidays next month Lanzarote and a week after we come back off to the USA to see my son and grandson. All of this came from getting it in my head that I was not going to drink again, when you think about it clearly an easy decision. Good luck to you on your decision try to make a good one 👍👍. It’s hard work but so worth it. Sorry about the long text but I didn’t go into all the details of dying three times getting sepsis three times having a period of HE and months in hospital but you don’t want to hear about that.

Best wishes

Stay safe All

Dogbot 🐶🌈Dave

[juneblue]

I most certainly did. I have rule out cirrhosis. I could go through my battle with alcohol, mine and every story I here are similar. Self pity, regret, baggage, leads you back to drinking, so you don’t have to feel that way. ( my story). Alcoholism ultimately leads to death. Abstinence is the only cure. I don’t know about your faith but about 1.5 years ago I ask God to take all that trash, regret, shame, remorse etc from me And He Did! Haven’t drink since. Feel better than I have in years. Gastroenterologist is extremely impressed. I had been on my death bed twice before.

Good luck brother it’s your choice ; Do you want to live or Die. I’ll pray for you.

[Chris7746]

Hi Dave. Wow!! That’s a story. And chapeau for turning things around. To have the doctor tell you that must have been terrifying! I look in the mirror every day looking for jaundice and thinking I’m just around the corner from it. I may well be far from it . I don’t know. I had my bloods come back but don’t understand the readings. They’re elevated. That’s all I know. So glad you’re doing well. Chris.

[2022minks]

Sorry to write this but if you don't change your life habits you will journey towards an early death. You have an amazing chance to turn your livers health around.Every single drop of alcohol poisons your liver. There are so many great weight loss clubs join something like slimming world where you will meet others and get encouragement all the way. Ask for counselling. You can only change you yourself.

All I can say is I have been a full time carer for my mum who lost her life to liver disease who had no early warnings and no way to repairing her liver. Dieing from this disease is horrendous so please don't put off changing your habits. Many people don't get the opportunity to escape an early death so please love yourself and make changes. Sending you big love ❤

[Chris7746 in reply to 2022minks]

Thank you for your kind words. I will get through this. Somehow. I’m planning eating healthier as we speak. I’ve looked at my NHS app and my doctor has already planned me in for periodic LFT’s so they are keeping an eye on me. No matter what anyone does, you can’t see it so it’s good they are being proactive.

Really sorry to hear about your mum. That must have been a living nightmare that I can only imagine. I hope you’re getting through it yourself somehow.

[2022minks in reply to Chris7746]

I know it's probably hard to get your head around when it's blood tests you might not take things as seriously but when more serious side effects arise they are always unexpected. By your doctors high lighting liver disease you have the chance to turn your life around and improve your livers health especially by cutting out alcohol and improving what you eat. I hope all our posts help to encourage you to get as much help as you can xx

[juneblue]

I certainly did. To be honest with you Chris your dying from alcoholism never mind your liver. The alcohol will kill you one way or the other. Only cure is abstinence. I almost died twice from the physical effects not to mention the multitude of stupid close calls caused by alcohol. I don’t know about your faith but without the Lord taking all my trash, guilt, shame, self pity etc , from me , after a serious prayer. I wouldn’t be texting you right now. You have to break the loop. Quit looking back. My liver has healed enough to be compensated. Bloods are good and am able to back off of diuretics a bit. God forgives you and you need to forgive yourself for the damage you have caused yourself and loved ones. You can choose to live or Die. Sorry to be so harsh but it’s the truth. Stop trying to justify the cause of your demise. The alcohol will win if you let it!

With that said ,I’m happier than I have been in my entire life. Good luck brother. I’ll pray for you.

[juneblue]

Sorry to post twice. I got it erupted on the first one. Didn’t know it was sent. God must have wanted you to here mine again. Lol. I add that I looked like death when I was fighting to get my health back. Some times I considered it a win when I just made it to the gym without exercising. Getting there was my workout. I can walk about twenty miles a week now and lift weights. The endorphins are way better than alcohol ever was. You can do it brother.