My husband has cirrhosis (I don’t know how bad it is). He initially stopped drinking, but has since postponed two appointments with the specialist and has started drinking again. I feel he is in denial because he says he has his drinking under control (it is less than before, but I know it’s a dangerous, slippery slope). I’m desperate for him to stop….any advice please?
I’m also scared as I don’t know how bad the cirrhosis or how much his current drinking will affect/reduce his life. I don’t know how to help anymore…..
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Hello and welcome to the forum, it's very sad to hear of partners who are trying desperately to help a loved one who is very much in denial about his health. The fact he has returned to drinking and cancelled appointments with specialists shows that he is totally in denial and is trying to avoid dealing with it. Sadly, there is little you can do until he realises how poorly he is / or how poorly he's going to end up. We have many, many forum members who have been through or who are going through the same with their partner in a slow self destruct.
Cirrhosis is termed end stage liver disease as it is the last stage of liver fibrosis and by this point only complete cessation of alcohol will enable any sort of liver repair. A cirrhosis patient who continues to drink is throwing petrol on a bonfire and it will inevitably lead to further damage and gradually more and more symptoms. Unless he acknowledges this and does something about it he will never get any better, will probably get very, very poorly and will be denied the opportunity to have a life saving liver transplant - since total and proven sobriety is a must if patients are even to be considered for transplant assessment.
You can read more about cirrhosis on the British Liver Trust page at:- britishlivertrust.org.uk/in... Page has a list of the different symptoms associated with advanced liver disease and certainly for yourself you need to be aware of the 'red flag' symptoms which can signal a significant deterioration or even life threatening issue.
You can also get support from Al-anon which supports people who are affected by a loved ones drinking. al-anonuk.org.uk/
You need to look after yourself in all this because if he is going untreated with cirrhosis and continuing to assault his liver it may become quite horrid to witness. I have just supported my dear hubby through 12 years of liver illness, culminating in a (fingers crossed) successful transplant in June. Alcohol played no role in his ill health but the symptoms of advancing cirrhosis where horrific to witness and deal with so you need to look after yourself.
Thank you Katie. I’m sorry to hear your husband suffers with cirrhosis and I wish you both all the best for his surgery and recovery.
Thank you for your honest advice - deep down I know there’s probably nothing I can do until he makes that step….it just feels so desperate sitting and watching it unfold.
Thank you and all the best for your husband’s recovery
The advice I can give hopefully, is to say to your husband how you feel and if there are any other family members you can get onboard. It has to be made in a strong positive way what he is doing to himself and you are not ready to let him slip away. Get other family members to tell him this. He must give up the alcohol and attend his appointments, this is the best help he will get from your local Liver Team.
I won’t give up on him, but there are limited family to help (we are only children, and their are problems with parents). We try to be open and talk (supporting and no blame), but his barrier has gone up at the moment and he’s becoming very defensive. I will keep trying…..but it’s so so hard.
You have already had excellent advice from the members. Would Hubby read the posts on here? If he sees it in black and white it may help him to realise what a slippery slope he’s on.
Thanks Oscar, that’s good advice and I am tempted to do so…..he’s in quite a strong denial phase at the moment so I will do it, I’m just worried about timing.
I was diagnosed with cirrhosis over 12 years ago through excessive alcohol. I am proof that if you cease the poison, you can still live a relatively good life. Not an easy life, but life is life
Never mind the timing, he is playing a dangerous game and if he continues with the drinking, the end result will be horrendous. Alcohol is addictive and only he can cease this. Theres loads of support out there. I was lucky that I was able to take on board what the Drs were telling me and I managed to stop by myself.
In addition to replies from other forum members, we facilitate a range of virtual support groups for people living with a liver condition (and their families and carers).
If you [are in the UK and] would find it helpful to speak to others with shared experience, you can register to join a group here
It's a fine balancing act, and sometimes deep rooted problems are common with folk who drink, and I suppose there's different types of drinkers, I'm not the biggest fan of using the word "alcoholic " it's attaches a stigma, and many people who drink to excess become addicted you can get your steady drinker who will consume alcohol over a regular period or you get your binge drinkers who will go hell for leather at it, I was the heavy drinker who would hit the drink pretty hard, and often ended up rattling because I had done my money in, and this is an extremely dangerous situation, the delirium tremors are bad, and the withdrawal symptoms are not to be underestimated , normally medication is required.
I'm sober for 12+ years but ended up with the painful legacy of neuropathy, nerve damage in my feet and legs and even my hands, obviously it's difficult trying to understand everything all at once, and sometimes you'll find other problems on the horizon especially with there health that appears, also personal hygiene is forgotten, money issues, and of course symptoms that arise from drinking, and you feel pretty helpless trying to get your head around everything, it's a roller coaster of a ride, and yes the liver is a forgiving organ and can take a hammering, but other problems can arise.
You will feel alone and whilst there's help available unfortunately your husband has to engage with the various professionals to get him moving forward, even their diet goes out of the window, and of course you don't know if he's happy or sad, drinking causes depression and it's a complex situation trying to understand what's going on in their heads, and I suppose he thinks you're nagging him, everything can seem like an overload of information , and trying to find a solution can be difficult, I hope things improve and read every reply that may help your cause, best of luck Chris!
Thank you Chris, your being sober for 12 years is inspiring.
I recognise some of the things you mention in your message and you’re right about the nagging….I try not to, but I do understand it must feel like having someone telling you what to do (even if it is for their benefit)…..it’s a balance between suffering in silence or risking uncomfortable conversations.
I'm saddened by your news. In my experience I would say that your husband is doing little more than a bit of PR 'Spin' to throw you off the scent whilst at the same time, trying to fool himself.
The one person you can never fool is yourself,m though, so for him to go to the effort of creating a distraction means that he actually is aware that he's got a major problem. Not just the act of drinking, but measurable health problems. Quite simply, there's no good cirrhosis.
What you have in your armoury is your absolute right to say that you deserve better and that you aren't going to continue living like this. If he values his relationship with you, with his children if you have them, then he owes you all the respect to act and make changes. But first he has to respect himself.
I have found in the past that you can make a big difference by making your own demands. Right now his failure to act is just selfish.
I would encourage you to also respect yourself first too, and make it clear what you expect rather than him measure life by what you will tolerate.
I am a bit like a pendulum where I do state what I can tolerate (that’s when we started with the doctor, specialist journey), but then other times (perhaps motivated by fear, exhaustion from it all or just simply wanting a peaceful life) that I try to ignore it…….but that’s increasingly becoming a shaky veneer! And I loathe the thought that in those moments I am perhaps an enabler…..but it’s near impossible to get someone to stop.
Thank you for your comments….I will take them onboard.
He will need to seek help and support to stop drinking. Usually people need to hit rock bottom ( mine was nearly dying from cirrhosis ) and then hopefully get help to stop. He is damaging himself further with every drop.
Anything else is just denial. Very hard for you - try Alanon or support group for yourself to cope.
He sadly refuses all ‘therapy’ type help (Though I think it would be invaluable for him)….he does talk to me, but has recently clammed up since cancelling specialist appointments and drinking again…..so I’m finding it hard to reach him.
Yesterday was my first day calling for help for me…..spoke to a wonderful nurse who told me about this group. I’ve felt so along in the past being the brave one and putting on a smiley face, it’s a source of comfort to not feel so alone, yet very bitter sweet given the pain people are in.
I feel your pain and in exactly the same situation. I am concentrating on myself and our son whilst trying to support my partner. I think deep.down they know what they're doing but addiction is so strong. My partner is a secretive drinker and will deny at all costs. It's terribly sad. Always here for a chat x
Hello, I understand how you feel. Its so very hard to watch a loved one fall a part. Sadly it's a decision he has to make on his own. I found no amount of nagging and shouting (my poor neighbours) or talking and reasoning made any difference. My husband has AIH (now seems to be in remission) and he was a covert alcoholic. Every bottle I found after he said he'd stopped broke my heart. His illness, barriers and denial made him angry and a completely different person, he was scared and anxious about his illness and climbed inside a drink to deal with it. The penny eventually dropped and 2 years 7 months ago he stopped. He was so very poorly but now doing really well. Nearly 2 years after he stopped his consultant said he'd die with cirrhosis not from it! There is hope. His bloods (LFT) fall in the normal range. It's exhausting as a carer but all you can do to help is make sure he has regular healthy meals. Also give yourself some time out. Take care of you too. X
Thank you. Your words resonated when you said your heart broke when finding bottles. I had a similar experience and, if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve recovered properly from the shock of finding hidden bottles……the worst part is, I still find myself searching for hidden ones (not exactly sure what I would do if I found them!)
I have to admit that it took me along time to stop checking his hidding places, I don't think I'll ever forget. I did warn him that I couldn't go through it all again. He has changed so much and is so open about things now, he says he's feeling so well, better than he has in over 10 years that he will never be tempted again. He did need support to stop but he had to be ready to ask for help. I hope that time comes soon for you too. I attended all his appointments so I knew what I could do to help him too. X
I’m glad to know I’m not going mad by checking…..it’s feels grubby and untrusting, yet helplessly validating if something is found; a horrid mixed bag of emotions!
I’m working on that….
I’m very happy your husband is healing.
I’ve literally just asked mine about rescheduling his appointments with the specialist and he’s flat out refused…..so going to go for a walk and clear my head in the interim.
I understand how you feel. Enjoy your walk... we have a dog so when things got bad the poor dog got dragged out regardless of the weather!! Sending you hugs xx
Firstly I really commend people like yourself who genuinely are being understanding and patient during a difficult time when there partner is struggling with a dependency.
My experience was very different! I didn’t even get to the diagnosis stage. My addiction was weaponised in a pretty sick way. So it says a lot about you trying to help and being patient after diagnosis. Most reasonable people would think a cirrhosis diagnosis is enough to stop the pattern of behaviour. But it’s not that simple.
I also like others don’t like the term alcoholic. It doesn’t define me now. It’s not a part of my life. I’ve been sober since diagnosis ( 16 months now).
In all probability your partner is showing you the top of the ice berg. Just to pacify you. I was a master at it! Only he will know how bad it is.
The exact words used to me was stop no or your dead in 6 months! Then sent on my way. The boredom or should I say the spare time which I filled with drinking was difficult.
The fact your husband has been told he has Cirrhosis and is justifying drinking in anyway is a serious situation. His condition regardless how far along can be life threatening and he will not be considered for transplant. Should he get to this point.
My diagnosis came out the blue, I had bloods done 4 months before diagnosis. They showed nothing. Then decompensated cirrhosis!! It happened that quick. By continuing to drink anything he can literally fall of a cliff in the blink of an eye.
There is a sense of hopelessness, my experience was one of looking into the abyss. No cure, no hope, a mountain to climb in life. Lost my job, car license, marriage, homeless, stopped seeing my kids. The temptation to say “ to hell with it” was appealing. To cope with difficulties my go to was what landed me in hospital.
Your partner might be in a similar position, looking to heal his head. The unknown is hard to deal with, when alcohol is the cause, I found a great deal of self anger and shame. Especially where my kids are concerned.
The only thing that pulled me together was the determination not to allow myself to go this way to save them of embarrassment. I live in a small village where everyone knows your business.
I would suggest AA if your husband has not tried this. It could help. If he’s been drinking regular he may need meds to come off. The withdrawl is horrific. I tried to cut down, I could not self reduce intake though. I would end up continuing and then back to square one.
Your husband needs to make a choice. If he continues he won’t be around long. It’s in his hands to change it though.
You’re right! Part of me of did hope that being diagnosed with cirrhosis would mean an end to drinking….and it worked for a while (which was so lovely)…..and I do struggle to fully understand why a person would drink when they know it can kill them or causes their loved ones pain (it’s hard to get my head around that and that’s one of the reasons I can’t talk to family because they think it is that simple and cut and dry……if only!).
I’ve tried to learn about addiction and, like you say, am very mindful of the word “alcoholic” (it sounds judgemental to me, despite it having some accuracy)……there are deep rooted issues that contribute to his drinking, but he also says he “loves the taste”…….that can feel like a slap in the face.
Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience…..it does help me reading through…..take good care yourself and please don’t let any small-village judgement ever throw you off your path.
Hello, when I read your post I could see an awful lot of me in what your husband is doing.
You have done exactly the right thing by reaching out.
One of my biggest regrets is lying to my doctor and not taking his advice. The thing is that when alcohol gets a grip of you it won’t let go until you shake it off yourself.
In the advocacy work I do I always say I don’t want anyone or their family to go through what I did or what my family did. It’s absolutely vital that your husband accepts the help that he needs otherwise the alternative is not going to be very pleasant. I ended up extremely poorly and at that point I knew I had to shake alcohol off me, but it shouldn’t have got that far.I’m sorry to put it that way but it’s the truth. I’m nearly 5 years sober now and I have to accept and I do accept the cards I was dealt with but as I said I don’t want anyone else to I include your husband in this.
My world is so different without alcohol and never thought it would be. The life for my family is so different to.Of course there are bad days which you would expect but the good far outweigh the bad and that can be the same for you and your husband.
I wish you both well and will do all I can to help you.
5 years sober is an incredible achievement. It’s positive news like that that keeps me hoping. My husband was doing so well at first……but alcohol is everywhere (my daughter and I have noticed nearly all birthday cards reference it!)….I hope to find the right time to show him these messages
One of the things they tell you at Al Anon is that you didn't cause it and you can't cure it or change it. They talk about your recovery as the family, they have groups for teens too. I would suggest after interventions haven't worked, read about boundaries. You could even say no drinking or being drunk in the house, although if he breaks this then you have to leave as its your boundary so speaks to your behaviour. Sometimes trial separations prompt a change. If you don't want to go this route then you need support for yourself to detach from the behaviour. It is very hard to accept I know when a loved one is doing such damage to themselves, I'm so sorry he isn't stopping. There are groups on Facebook that can also provide information, although they vary very much.
Thank you. I’ve found reaching out to this group a source of help….so much support. Actually reading people’s experience and advice knowing they understand is comforting.
I’m not ready for a trial separation, but am going to try detachment or at least try looking after my feelings a bit after reading everyone’s comments.
Yes you definitely need to put yourself and daughter first. My councillor says you can't pour from an empty cup. I try to.support my partner and I've stopped searching for clues as that was destroying me.I took my son on holiday this year (my partner isn't well enough) I felt.so guilty but we needed a break
It certainly is a roller coaster but I can't leave him as I think he would drink more and I couldn't live with that
I imagine you had a lovely time with your son (and him with you). I understand your “guilt” though….I have started taking my daughter away and it’s been so so good for us…..doesn’t fix anything, but the respite and escape helps.
I can’t leave my husband either….
I will hold your “empty cup” analogy close. I hope you and your son are taking care too.
Such a sad story as I witnessed my mother live in denial and sadly both myself and my sister have non alcoholic chiroses and I'm now 61 I don't drink I don't eat fried food or dairy but have had the hardest 20 months so far due to other complications. I have gallstones and my bial ducts have some sort of infection and sadly due to my chronic liver disease they can't risk removing my gallbladder. I've been in hospital for the past 9 days and now have bowel problems and other symptoms that are very uncomfortable but I've been with the liver specialist for 37 years and living is all we want to do when you feel life slipping away. I prey for you and your husband and hope he takes you into consideration when making his life changing choices. Small changes make a big difference its never too late. Stay strong and best wishes. X
Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry for your health troubles….I hope your treatment is successful and that you yourself are surrounded by the support you have freely offered to a stranger in a forum. Take care.
Hi, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and it does sound like he is in denial. He is probably frightened to stop, because although you think you can stop, what will you do without it. You don’t think you are addicted, and it is difficult to accept that you need help. It is so very hard asking for help, however he does need to attend his appointment. There are many ways that if he needs to detox that he can be helped to do this rather than just stopping. I have never found any of the specialists to be judgemental, just supportive and realistic. I do hope he can accept that he needs help and that with the right support it is possible to get well and live well without alcohol. Please also take some time for yourself, you need to think about yourself too. Lesley
Thank you for your kind and measured response. I do see a lot of judgement when it comes to alcohol and I’m conscious this is a hurdle he is trying to avoid at the moment (in that he thinks he’s being judged). I hate how alcohol is just ingrained in life and everywhere you turn…..there’s no escape from it (even birthday cards mention it!) …..I wish I could take him to da deserted island.
Its a peculiar disease, the whole world knows that a person is suffering from this affliction but the individual alone doesn't believe that. I was in that stage about 18 years ago. I walked into the rooms of AA based on the suggestion by my shrink. As part of my recovery I have tried to hand out CDs (of talks of AA veterans) and have taken meetings into a correction facility but its far and few that the individul who walks in or at the correction facility ever takes on recovery seriously. I can suggest, if your husband is open to reading the book alcoholics anonymous read couple of chapters (they are online, he doesnt even have to go to an AA meeting) and see if he can relate to the concepts presented in the book. The book suggests you talk to these people when they come out of a spree. That is the time they are filled with remorse and may incline to suggestions.
""If you have a drinking problem, we hope you may pause in reading one of the forty-two personal stories and think: "Yes that happened to me" or more important. "Yes, I have felt like that" or most important, "Yes, I believe this program can work for me too".One of the best stories is the story of the co-founder Bill W. Here is the link to the story:aa.org/sites/default/files/....
You may visit the sister fellowship al-anon, its for family and friends of alcoholics. You may benefit from accessing some emotional support from people who are going through or gone through this experience in the past. They may help you handle this situation more appropriately with their experience.
I found it very interesting that you said it’s best to talk after they have come out of a spree…..I’ve noticed that timing of conversations is very important. I will read the links myself and try to time it right and ask that he reads them too
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Hubby says he wants to stop drinking today??
Newbie here - supporting my dad through Cirrhosis
