Drinking Again

[Bs1524]

Hi

I haven't posted in a while my husband was diagnosed in May 2019 with decompensated liver disease. Went for transplant assessment but too high risk. He had also gained a huge amount of weight which with him needing two knee replacements meant he was in a wheelchair.

Long story short it was looking good when a new consultant took him off the anti-nausea meds and he started to become his old self, brain fog cleared. Had first knee replacement that ended with an infected wound.

Anyway two years ago I discovered he had started drinking again. Wine in Fanta bottles once discovered he drank openly not as much as before but...

I don't really know how much he is drinking but any amount is too much. The thing is he became amazingly well never a bad day, going out fishing, knocking some golf balls about.

He lost the excess weight then kept losing weight he had no appetite all his trousers too big then in a few weeks all trousers too tight. He has fluid in his tummy consultant prescribed an extra diuretic which he hasn't been taking as prescribed. My son said when he took him to the pub that someone commented on his tummy asking who ate all the pies.

This is not looking good is it?

[RugbyMama]

Please call the BLT Helpline. The nurses are amazing.

The swelling around his belly doesn't sound great and suggests his liver is struggling to perform all its' functions. What type of consultant is he seeing? Is he being honest with them about his alcohol consumption?

It's tough, but maybe an open and honest conversation with your husband?

[Bs1524 in reply to RugbyMama]

it is impossible to talk to him and I don't believe he has been honest about his drinking either. it is a liver consultant he is seeing he was the one that realised the anti nausea meds were effecting him. once he became compensated and felt well he has deluded himself that it had all gone away.

[Dogbot]

Hi I’m so sorry to hear this about your husband but I’m afraid the truth is that he’s drinking too much. I know you know this but the trouble is that it’s only him that can come to terms with this and as an alcoholic myself (not drunk for 21 years in September) remember not excepting to come to terms with it until my liver stopped working and hospitalised. The problem is making the decision do you facilitate by not saying anything and have a happy family or say something and maybe save his life. My wife tried a bit of both and we had horrible arguments because I was working paying off the mortgage feeding my family, only just and I was earning good money and running a very thin line in keeping my job. But then the liver went and in hospital and to ill to work so ended up retiring at 49 but luckily got ill health retirement pension. So I was lucky I don’t know your husband position but it won’t last. I wish you all the best for the future good luck with your husband from the wife and I 💕💕

Stay safe All

Dogbot 🐶🌈Dave

[Bs1524 in reply to Dogbot]

Thank you so much, When I discovered the secret drinking I tried and tried but he verbally attacked me then refused to even speak to me. He is so self deluded his latest drink is Bailys he ran out, said he couldn't drink wine as it had made him poorly I pointe out that wasn't wine it was alcohol any alcohol. You know what he did, he drank wine. Even the swollen tummy isn't scaring him.

[Dogbot in reply to Bs1524]

Yes I’m not pleased to say my way was a big argument then straight to the nearest pub. I’m sorry to say what you know already he is an alcoholic and you must remember it is an illness many call it a disease and I agree it is. The mood swings are something I remember with with sadness, the sulking is so intense then the flare ups, I look back and just feel bad about what I put my family through , but he doesn’t really know what he is doing it’s the alcohol running him and it’s a very rough transition back. I’m going to have to go for a while because my grandchildren have turned up but if you want to text carry on and I will get back as soon as I can good luck.

Dave

[Bs1524 in reply to Dogbot]

Thank you for your wise word Dave.

I have resigned myself to how he is and will stick around to help if I can. The latest blow has meant him threatening divorce so we will see.

He truly believes he is ok and none of his drinking buddies know about his liver problem.

[Dogbot in reply to Bs1524]

Hi the trouble lays in he sees his drinking buddy’s drinking the same as him and says there’s nothing wrong with them, but maybe they don’t drink when they’re not with him so they give there liver time to do it’s healings where as he drinks alone. I had the same issue and drinkers always find each other, and of course they are the best friends ever. That of course is because they find the same things funny and he laughs a lot with them and anybody else looks on thinks it’s really boring because they laugh at the same thing all the time, this of course is when I had given up drinking and still went to the club to watch football and drinking non alcoholic drinks. Then comes the real hardcore problem breaking the habit of going to the club/ pub/bar wherever he drinks, I found that a very tough thing to do because it means that it’s a change of friends and losing friends that he has had fun with that I found very difficult. One good friend out of all of them stayed in contact, he was the one that took me to hospital and when I came out the first time after being in for a month my belly swelled up and my wife called the same friend ( which she never liked) to tell me off and get me back into hospital. So a very long way round to say is there a friend in the group that might talk to him??.

[Bs1524 in reply to Dogbot]

No they are relatively new friends we moved here a year ago I use term friends lightly but he takes pride in people not being able to tell him what to do. A bit of a mess really

[Dogbot in reply to Bs1524]

I think you have a real ordeal in front of you and I wish you all the best luck possible, if ever you need to talk just post or message me I’m always happy to chat or listen.

Good luck from the wife and I 💕💕

[Bs1524 in reply to Dogbot]

Thank you everyone has been so kind. He is seeing the consultant next month he wanted to see him in three months not six as usual so we will see what happens then.

[lonmallin50]

Sorry to hear what your going through drink when its got hold of you its takes over your life, what your husband is saying to you he does not mean anything, its just anger inside wanting to give up but cant. I to found it hard at first to give up i just did not believe i was that ill i felt alright never for one minute did i think i was going to die like they told me and my wife i read a bit more about the illness and how damaged my liver really was on here I quit there at that moment i had not had a drink for 2 weeks before that because i was in hospital and my mind was a bit clear. But it must be so hard for wives of husbands watching them. My wife told me the same just feeling helpless nothing she could do about it. I still needed a transplant i left it to late I suffered for about 3 half years before i got my transplant could not get dressed just about walking my brain was not thinking straight through HE it was a terrible time if your husband carries on he will have to go through all this for years and then your not guaranteed a transplant after all that. My last post i wrote about it you feel alright but your not i was so close to death by only months i only realise that now after transplant. Get your husband to read a couple of posts of people who have just about survived the disease. it just might get him to think that if he carries on the future is not good. I dont believe any one really wants to die but the sad thing is they dont thing they will. all the best Lon

[Bs1524 in reply to lonmallin50]

I noticed he was snappier but his 90 year father has been a worry and I have been caring for him. I caught a bug and was very poorly for a couple of weeks and he had to go over and he didn't like it. He is not talking to me this time due to him going out Sunday he said not for long and 4 hours later he appears with three drinking buddies to play pool in our cabin. When I query what was happening what I was doing with dinner they said they would go. I said no need just wanted a plan of action please have a game of pool they trooped off to the cabin when hubby came in for cheese and biscuits they left by side gate. Anyhoo it is all my fault I won't tell you the names I have been called but he hasn't spoken to me since 6pm Sunday and he wants a divorce and I am not going to get anything out of him. So there we are. He has slipped back into not sleeping then sleeping until midday and he has been having a tea or coffee then going out or staying in and starting drinking. Honestly I am starting to think divorce might be better than this. I just find it hard to believe when he got so well he would throw it away. Now his tummy is full of fluid it is all starting again isn't?

[lonmallin50]

Its no good then, he's not seeing sense there nothing you can do really I imagine you done your best its so hard to watch the downfall of someone with drink i have many times myself. but there is nothing you can do hopefully something will click in his brain or he be that ill he have to stop. look after yourself Lon

[Cb1963]

You must feel extremely disappointed, angry and upset, I'll bet he's planked drink in secret hiding places, I'm an ex drinker 12 +'years sober,and trust me I've done all the sneaky tricks.This journey he's leading will possibly end up being a disaster, I've forgotten or never listened to the doctors when drinkingandc become a lifestyle , if that's the right word to use, alcoholics are complex individuals especially when drunk, and obviously quite devious when it comes to having a secret drink.

Alcoholics don't have a set pattern I drank at any time of the day, I had massive ptsd issues and that why I used drink as a " crutch " but the addiction side soon takes over, drinking is like a jekyll and Hyde character, and I suppose we all react to alcohol in different ways, and you are dealing with this issues again , unfortunately your conversation is falling onto deaf ears, you have my deepest empathy regarding your husband and I hope you can hold things together and seek some help when he settles down.

[Bs1524 in reply to Cb1963]

I was horrified when I discovered the secret drinking pop bottles filled with wine hidden in coat pockets he accused me of snooping didn’t talk to e for weeks but then slowly started to drink openly and it has co to Jed from there. That was two Christmases ago and I don’t know how long he had been doing it before I found out. His liver has been amazing and he was so well but the last three scans first showed a little fluid around the liver, the. A little fluid I. Pelvis to now with a very large tummy. So progressively getting worse.

[Cb1963 in reply to Bs1524]

It's going to be a struggle, and obviously people react in different ways when caught, it can drag the marriage into a very difficult situation and probably causing more arguments, obviously I presume you're sticking by your husband, but remember your own mental health and wellbeing.I try to be careful with wording i use and i hear what you're sayin, its such a difficult situation i used to hide quarter bottles of vodka in the toilet cistern 😬🙄on don't know if your husband has undiagnosed mental health problems, from years gone by.

Mu own journey was filled with trauma/ ptsd and I have the painful legacy of neuropathy, nerve damage in my legs feet and now hands, trust me, I know all about the road ahead and its going to be tough, I'm not that clued up on the medical jargon, because o didn't really care, even after spending time in hospital (again) I was told to come back to the hospital as my discharge papers weren't ready, so I walked out of the gates,from the hospital ground, and bingo there's a pub waiting for me, yes shameful behaviour from me, and started another session on the drink, it was awkward collecting my paper work and medication

Alcoholics are a different breed when drink is involved, I've missed so much of my life including my children , I was an absent parent and my particular problems are a taboo subject (suicide) which doesn't reflect the real person I am today , there's numerous layers to alcoholics and trying getting to the core problems with always remain, drinking effects emotions, if you still need to chat I'll try my best for both of you, kind regards Chris .

[Bs1524 in reply to Cb1963]

Thank you Chris you are right it is complicated. Him getting so well has muddied the waters but there is no doubt his liver is not so happy any more but he doesn’t see it or is refusing to look

[Cb1963 in reply to Bs1524]

Yes its called stubborn man syndrome, the liver will only stand so much abuse and other complications will come down the road very quickly, like I said you also need to think of your own well-being, you are on a roller coaster of a ride and don't know when it's going to stop, you need to throw the kitchen sink at this problem, once again take care and I'm normally available for chatting, thanks Chris

[Nerico in reply to Cb1963]

Hi Cb,Just wanted to echo what you said about "the crutch". My drinking became a problem after 20 years of living with severe clinical depression and crippling anxiety, I had every treatment going and was out of options. Alcohol was the only thing that eased anxiety when it was really bad; of course the next attack was worse as a result, so drink more! I've been dry since October and having been told in Jan this year I needed a transplant, I don't now.

Bs, even at the worst you can imagine (they told my partner in the hospital to prepare for me not surviving the night) you can come back, but you've got to want to and mean it, and it's the hardest thing your hubby will ever do. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if he is unwilling to try then you need to think about you. Can you stand by him and watch him die, because it sounds like he'll be lucky to see another year out.

Sorry to have to put that so bluntly, but that's the way it is, and if he won't change he has to come to terms with that and it is a horrific, painful and dignity-stripping end. Please take care of yourself, take some time out when it all gets too much. I wish you both the very best, there are always great people to talk here if you need to.

[Bs1524 in reply to Nerico]

Thank you Nerico

It is all very confusing he was so bad they gave him 18 months then off the anti nausea meds the confusion went then he got better and better they took him off his meds well left him on beta blocker and one diuretic but he didn't take them. He believes it has all gone away but obviously it hasn't or he wouldn't have ascites would he. He isn't drinking as much as before but then any amount it too much. I don't know what to do to help him as he doesn't need it he is fine and I am anti alcohol so I would say that wouldn't I.

Will he get gradually worse so there is some warning or will his liver just fail as it already has damage.

[Nerico]

It depends very much on individual cases. I got an unrelated severe bowel infection which put pressure on my liver, which was very poorly but asymptomatic and i went from fine to death's door in a matter of hours.Do you think he might read the comments on here, it may help him to understand what a bad way he is in? The biggest thing he has to accept is that he is accelerating his demise with every drink. Subconsciously I'm sure he realises that but he has to accept it consciously or nothing will change.

I feel rather helpless that I can't offer much of a ray of light, but there is one. If he addresses his drinking (not another drop, ever) and makes some positive lifestyle changes, he could live a long life and finally die with liver disease, not because of it.

[Bs1524 in reply to Nerico]

You are so right. He isn't talking to me not a word so no way I can bring up the subject. When I did approach him on Tuesday he just said F@ck Off without even looking at me. To be honest he has beeb so cold and well vicious this time I don't want to go near him.

[Cb1963 in reply to Bs1524]

I'll jump in here, boy you've got a very difficult period of time ahead of you, Nerico has passed over some great advice and also the real possibility of ending up with numerous health problems,your husband is in his own world, and is totally oblivious to what can happen, you must be at your wits end, my story was documented by a short film and is available online, it's a brief insight on how my journey into alcohol affected my whole life, its not the whole story, but just a snippet of what happened, its quite interesting.Until your husband accepts his drinking you'll be banging your head against the wall, and I'm afraid to say that the unsavoury language will continue , and perhaps this sort of behaviour will probably continue during this drinking period, I think possibly the fear of going into the unknown is holding your husband back and probably can't see a future without a drink, this combines a inner thought and the mindset thinking I can't deal without ever drinking again, certain walls have been put up, it's going to be a long slog, and perhaps he doesn't want to join the elusive club of be sober.

I totally understand everything you've said and I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation, you are someone who's trying to help but its being thrown back in your face, your walking on eggshells and you've got my full support here, this place (forum) will continue to try and support you, remember your not alone here, and everyone will try their best for you, kind regards Chris 💖

[Bs1524 in reply to Cb1963]

Thank you for your support this situation is incredibly lonely. The daft thing is he stopped drinking for four years but began drinking bottles of zero alcohol wine. He doesn’t have a problem I do. Where can I watch your video?

[Cb1963 in reply to Bs1524]

Yes I'll send you a message with the details on a private message I'll follow you that way and then you will get the details ,

[Bs1524 in reply to Cb1963]

Thanks

[Mandrake]

Hi, your situation sounds desperately hard. In the same way as there are programs to help alcoholics who want to stop drinking (AA being the best known). There are also meetings (loads of them online and offline) for families of alcoholics ( called AlAnon) these can’t teach you how to stop someone from drinking, but they can help you with your own feelings, behaviours and coping. You will meet others who have faced similar diffficulties and can draw strength and hope from them. Google AlAnon. I’ve seen it help many people including myself.

[Bs1524 in reply to Mandrake]

I tried Alnon but in my area it is online and I could not speak freely as he would hear me. I was hoping for in person meetings but none available here

[Mandrake]

that’s tricky to navigate, but should an opportunity arise for you to join a meeting safely, I recommend them. Best wishes to you both x