Sorry for all of the questions at the moment, but I need more of your help and advice please?
So when hubby gives up alcohol how does it work day to day? I am planning on helping hubby by giving up drinking at home as well. My drinking consists of a bottle of wine over a weekend or I drink wine if I go out socially. When at home I have to pour the wine myself or hubby will fill my glass to the very top.
So my question is that we have always been a party household, especially around birthdays and other celebrations. So does that mean that we can never have any type of alcohol in the house ever again? Hubby is already complaining about his own birthday is going to be naff in April 2021, as for the first time in about 40yrs he will not be able to have a drink to celebrate his own birthday? Our family come to us for Sunday lunches too? Our girls drink very little, I guess that is because they have seen what it has done to their dad, but their other halves enjoy a pint or two.
How do I make this as easy for hubby as possible, but still feel able to invite family around? We have a family wedding to attend in May 2021, if we are out of lockdown by then. This is with Tom's family and Tom would normally drink a lot at these sorts of occasions? I have a funny feeling that hubby may say that he does not want to go now that he cannot drink? We have a cruise that was tfr from 2020 to 2021. Hubby spends most of his day on a cruise sat in the bar?
Obviously I know that hubby is not there yet and this is all on me thinking/hoping that hubby will be able to beat this and give up drinking. Any suggestions or advice please?
thanks Lisa
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I would imagine this is where the counselling services and whatever sobriety support he accesses kicks in, they no doubt provide coping strategies. Such challenges are going to arise day in, day out for the rest of his life.Have you by any chance accessed support for yourself with all this, the charity Al-Anon supports the families and loved ones of people with an alcohol issue and they might help you as you go forward. al-anonuk.org.uk/
First off, I find your husband’s comment that his birthday in April will be naff to be very disturbing. He’s not at all well, and he’s supposed to have quit by then. He can’t quit and have a day off in April. He does need to understand that the March deadline means no more alcohol ever.
I’m going to be honest. I’d never have quit whilst there was still alcohol in the house. If you really want him to quit, you might have to do so yourself or become a very occasional drinker. As for inviting friends round, they can bring their own booze.
Giving up drinking is a lifestyle change. It’s not a small thing. From what you’ve just written, there needs to be a lot more changes I’m afraid ☹️
And give the May wedding a miss or stay for a short while. The risk of having “just the one” is too high and could be the difference between quitting or not.
I often write reams of stuff on Alcohol-related liver disease, but before I do, can I ask a simple straight forward question, please? Does your hubby want to give up alcohol?
The reason for asking this question is that if a life of total sobriety has any chance of succeeding then it has to be because he wants it to happen. If he tries to do it for any other reason, then it will be doomed to fail.
He has to want to do this for himself, not because the doctors have told him he has to, not because you have told him. No other reason than him wanting to do this and being prepared to commit to a life of total abstinence for this to succeed.
He has to have that determination to make this happen. It is his life, his body and his choice. He has to be positive and focused on achieving this goal.
Total recovery is a long road, and many people who have been down this road as a couple have come out the other end with their marriage even stronger. They are after all both sharing in this journey and this brings them even closer together.
There may be some tough times ahead, but the effort is well worth it.
So before I write a whole lot more, could you kindly tell me what your hubby wants to do?
Ok so I just asked hubby, his response was "I am only stopping because the dr told me that I have to. I enjoy sitting in front of the tv with a pint or having a pint with my mate in the garden" 😪 oh dear, not the answer I was hoping for
I didn’t want to give up. I liked the taste of alcohol, but I gave up because it was starting to affect my health. Not sure what Dr Google is on about.
It is going to be far easier on hubby if all drinking around him stops and he can see that people can still actually enjoy themselves. There is a far happier life to be lived without it he just doesn' t know that yet because its the only life he has ever known. Laura xx
This is a family disease. There can be no alcohol in the house. None, never. I would even get rid of “alcohol paraphernalia “. Glasses that are only used for alcohol, wine openers, clothes that alcohol related. All of it! Sobriety comes first.
Low success rate, especially if he just tries to go dry and do it alone. Tell him not to be afraid to reach out. AA, al anon for you both, etc.
what you could do now is start listening to podcasts.
Recovery Elevator is great. A lot of the earlier episodes are geared to “the family” and how to be supportive.
Another good one is shair podcast
Stock up on other beverages (healthy) like sparkling water.
Tell him to try not to get hung up on the “giving something up”. It’s poison. Hopefully he will see that he will actually gain so much.
I’m new to sobriety as well and it’s hard but gets easier day by day. I’m learning to distract myself physically and pay closer attention to triggers. Triggers that I never even realized were there before.
I love recovery elevator so I’m glad that u mentioned it.
Awesome job! It is hard, roller coaster! This is new for me also. Just getting on board. I have been doing shair podcast lately. (I went through all the Paul RE) ones. I love that they are right there, right at our fingertips
Nice job on your sobriety. Sobriety is a beautiful thing.
It’s been 1 year since my hubby was diagnosed with cirrhosis. He quit alcohol on the spot. He insisted that I still enjoy a glass of wine if I wanted. For about 4 months I didn’t. Mid summer, out by the pool, I’d have a glass or two on weekends and when the kids came over they’d have the odd beer or glass of wine. All of our family and friends totally respect that he cannot drink, so they always ask if we would prefer no alcohol be served. Everyone has really cut back which is a good thing. Hubby says his motivation is staying healthy and alive for all of us!
Your hubby sounds very similar to mine. He quit drinking as soon as he was diagnosed and said he doesn't want people around him to moderate their drinking for him. I buy the small bottles of wine, just have one or two a week. If people come round they can have a glass of wine & hubby is fine. I think his drinking was a habit rather than a dependency though, if people are completely dependent it must be so much harder. We also have two young kids and when he was diagnosed he was told he needed to give up to see them grow up which is a pretty big motivator!
Agreed. Our alcohol consumption was a bad habit we’d fallen into. Especially with a pool, it was the place to be with a drink in hand! This has been a real eye opener for our family and friends, as many drink so much more than we ever did. Even our family doctor was shocked at how sick hubbys liver was. He always prided himself on eating healthy and being active.
It sounds like your husband will need a lot of support from his medical team and alcohol services to remain abstinent.
He does have to really want it, if it is to work. Keep us posted and do call if you need to. Look after yourself too....
My partner was diagnosed with alcohol-related decompensated cirrhosis in October 2017 after having been rushed to A&E, vomiting blood and not being able to breathe due to severe ascites. The emergency doctor was so concerned about his prognosis that she asked that I contact his daughters to come to the hospital urgently. Three years later, his cirrhosis is decompensated and you wouldn't know anything had been wrong with him.
He was in hospital for nearly a week, so went "cold turkey" without a choice. I guess if it had caused him any problems, he was in the right place.
I worried like you about about the "normal" lifestyle that we had - drinking every day and I made the decision while he was in hospital to completely give up myself to support him when he came home.
I worried about how we would ever be able to go on holiday, or to family events and everything else where drinking plays a big part. He went from "I can never go in a pub again" to being able to go out the next summer and enjoy a pint of blackcurrant and soda with no problem. Sometimes it's easy to create problems that in the end, will sort themselves out.
Sadly, you are dealing with his life and there is no way around it. You may want to try a zero-alcohol wine and use this. Drinking for a Liver disease patient will only put him on the fast track to a grave. many will say one drink won't harm you that sadly is a lie. If he wants to be around while then zero alcohol is a goal. I have seen some drink and die horrible diseases with unbelievably bad side effects. Tell him you would like to have him around if possible and let it go.
It’s difficult to grasp. It took me long enough. If you take a person who’s successfully lost weight, they can have a chocolate bar now and then. No problem. You’d therefore think a former heavy drinker can have the odd drink, but it’s definitely not so. No exceptions, and it’s very arrogant and foolish to try and test that theory. Alcohol had me by the balls. It won. If I drink at all again, I’ll be a heavy drinker again within weeks.
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