It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.
Okay... So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, midgets, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...
Oh shit! Wrong group!
Please ignore all of the above...
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Have a great week everyone.
Love,
Brett
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Brett11
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You are a noo naah - but a funny noo naah. Love it!!
You of course are not allowed to leave this forum and you know that!
We need more of this fun stuff to lighten up this forum at present!
By the way isn’t the big Bertha op on Friday? If so the very best of luck Bobbo 👍👍!! Don’t forget to take those knickers of your head before you go into the theatre. You’re not playing the pantomime dame this time....
Looks like we are safe and sound in “that group”...for now. I really thought the nutter with the headband on his head had made it for sure.
Thank God for that cactus hedge 🌵🌵🌵I’m yet to see the one who thinks about it in their bid to escape. He still finds the odd spines in the softer parts of his body😂 😇
I was shocked to discover that what I had initially thought was a headband was in fact a pair of ladies knickers!! My word!! I examined it from all angles and I still don’t understand where what goes.
I did wear gloves 🧐😤. Anyway it’s being kept in my office it as evidence from the scene of a crime 🤬🤨😇. Its protocol. Do you really think I even want to touch it?🤬
Duct tape sounds like an answer to Saturday Sportsday Live too... I think you got something there, but I have to call you out for giving a woman's name to your hernia. You are so asking for it...
Loved your post! Made me smile - as you often do- and needed it. Hubby in for lung cancer surgery on Thursday, but followed by maybe 6 rounds of chemo mainly because of size, at least his liver is doing well enough that he can have the surgery & chemo. When his liver failed the tumor was seen on the MRI in 2015, but misdiagnosed <sigh> so no one was tracking it - some days you just want to stand somewhere and scream at the universe. I've had a poo pouch since July due to a bowel blockage and recently saw the surgeon who said it can be reconnected - scheduling said well yes but not early Oct - the docs can get together for you the day before Thanksgiving.
Now I need to plan what to clean up while hubby is in the hospital to give him a nice homecoming - he is a very grumpy patient.
Oh, do I know what you mean! Nothing worse than coming home to a messy house when you've been incarcerated in a physical therapy institution post-surgery. Grant does his best, I imagine. I have no one... Big hugs to you.
Ha ha, I'm giggling so much my little poodle dog nearly fell off my lap!!! Brett, you are a joy!! If people think this is inappropriate for the forum, some of us need a good laugh!!! Illness is mainly horrid and depressing, Brett is the total opposite of that!! Good luck with Bertha - ectomy!! I really hope it works, and you feel much better after.
Too funny Brett. I thought you were being serious for one second. You can’t leave the group when you cheer up so many people. Good luck with Big Bertha 😂😂
But think of the end result Bob. In the long run you know it will have been worth it! And you can puff out your chest proudly without that blurry bulge spoiling the image 😁👍.
Are you sure you haven’t just escaped from a maximum security submarine converted to house “special people” like you?
I can just picture you with 2 hollowed out cucumbers 🥒 struck in each nostril 👃 as you paddle your legs 🦵🦵 and feet 🦶🏻 furiously just beneath the water 😂🤣😂
Breaking the surface every few minutes to make sure you’re not going in circles. Of course you made it to a secluded beach 🏖 and nicked a ladies dress 👗 & shoes 🥿🥿
Apparently you thoroughly enjoyed the ventilation system of the dress so much that decided you decided; they were your thing. The rest as they say is history....... but (in this case, it’s obviously self explanatory)
Wherever you are and whatever you’re up to or not, I wish you a pain free and lovely day. Nothing lasts forever. Not even pain🧐
If you promise not to tell a soul🤫; I will let you into a very well guarded secret.
“The two of us actually work undercover on the platform. Our real jobs are stand up comedians called (Big Pee & Li’l Bee)
We work in the bars and pubs at night
We do have a regular slot on TV 📺 but I’m not sure any of you subscribe to that channel 😉..... It’s rather expensive 🤭 and our program is aired late in the night; most likely way past your bedtime.
If you keep this this to yourself and I never hear anyone calling me Big Pee, I will send you a clip of yesterday’s programme. Deal?🧐 Wonderful!!
Yeah so are we... what does one do when you’ve been on the toilet 🚽 for almost 8 hours!! You need a Brett of fresh air🤭
My bowels refused to work after the ileostomy was reversed and the plumbing reconnected. I have to move them (do or die - cheers Boris Johnson) a minimum of 3 times a week.
Enema, laxatives or the dreaded irrigation with the killer balloon 🎈. I’m sure I’m housing Bertha’s whole extended family. So I say thank you for the music ..........
Oh, my dear Lady Penelope! I've been in that "position" several times. In RETROspect, HAHAHA, I do have to wonder why I had to spend hours screaming bloody murder to have a BM. HASN'T ANYONE EVER HEARD OF LACTULOSE? Sheesh, I would have drunk a quart of it.
Frequent BMs are such a relief. Lactose and lactulose are not the same thing. please consume lots of fiber. Drink water. Wishing you the best Lady Penelope.
If I drink anymore water I would easily float to my next holiday destination; suitcases of (Betthacides -B killers), irrigation kits nebuliser and God knows what else; on top of me to shade me from the rain and sun. I’ve just warned myself from 6L a day to 3 and a bit more 😁
It’s awfully kind of you to ask. My bowels are unemployed; haven’t worked since 2011 when I lost my rectum and some of my colon. Even though we fought hard, the lazy buggers absolutely refused to move.
If I don’t do a laxative to move, I literally get full and can’t eat anymore or I’ll just throw up. The stump of my rectum that is left is hypersensitive so even the irrigation is becoming too painful.
I’m currently relying on Picolax or Citrafleet for what they describe on the leaflet inside of the box as “frequent explosive 🧨 diarrhoea” and you’re told to; “make sure you’re close to a toilet 🚽 🧻 at all times. “
Who am I to argue with such straightforward instructions? Twice a week with these WMD is more than going twice a day
au natural 😂😂😂. It’s like a closing down sale. Everything must go 💩💩💩💩💩💩🚽
Crikes Penny How do you manage to make such lightheartedness from your situation....?!
Very glad that you have sorted out a solution of sorts even though the effects are somewhat dramatic 😑😑. I’ve heard of buy one free get one free but......
You’re spot on. I’m having 2.35 rich tea biscuits to sustain me as I waddle and take my usual rightful place on my throne. It’s 14 hours of labour......
Anytime you feel your pain is too much to cope with or you simply get fed up, remember me on my throne after 14hrs of Labour etc etc ...:🚽🧻🧨 and I promise you, life will suddenly feel much better.
I’m thinking of inventing a hosepipe that can safely be connected and left in the toilet so I never have to bother with getting up.
Better shoot off before Admin gives me a kick in the bum; no pun intended. Take care Miles,
Your story reminded me of a song I haven’t heard since around 1976 by Donovan called the Intergalactic Laxative. For some reason I can’t paste the link in here (odd - maybe my iPad ☹️) but it’s easy to Google - if you can be ars... bothered - oops sorry, nearly was rude there and very inappropriate rudeness too!
Anyway here are a few lines from it. Maybe you can see why your sorry situation somehow - amazingly for me - dragged up this memory. Here are a couple of extracts from the song. I have put the asterisks in!
“If sh*tting is your problem
When you’re out there in the stars
Oh the intergalactic laxative will get you from here to Mars”
But it is this particular line that sort of matches what you said and made me think of this song!!
“A pipe is led from pen*s head to a unit in the room”
I’d better stop now or I may be told off as well...
I’m laughing like an idiot in my room. I had surgery yesterday and I absolutely refuse to budge. If they hear such sounds from the room, I may be transferred to another kind of hospital to finish my recovery. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😅☺️😊😇✌🏻💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
The song shall be found and purchased as background to my nocturnal 💩💩 activities.
I wonder if I can ask Alexa to play it😁
The adventures I’ve had with that rude girl. She met Siri and fell in love when I was asleep. The next day, I was woken by loud foolish music 🎶 and she refused to listen to me.
She claimed she didn’t know me!! 😧😲. How did she think she got to my house! Siri said he knew nothing about nothing. I have stories for you.... that little harlot. I’ve put her in the convent.
I’m still around. My stomach is slowly getting better. I’ve been looking after the five puppies so I’m bending down to pick up poo all the time. We’ve sold three now so we’ve got two left. I hope they sell soon. It’s a bit stressful trying to sell them and wanting to keep them at the same time 😂
Didn’t you receive the text? It’s called Bertha oil. You can also have it in a cream or a tablet to dissolve in a shot of water. Oh dear!
You need to come out of hibernation
every once in a while. Do contact Brett for the Berthas. He’s also got a puppy 🐶 for sale. He can provide the family tree 🌳 of the pups to 1836 when they used to have wings. It’s true... ask the poodle. He was there.
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New to group need help I'm so Scared
Don’t leave it too late 
My view from my exercise bike 😂
